What’s the most bullshit excuse you ever heard someone say?

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***”That’s the first I heard of it”*** …when you had sent them an email about it …and they replied to the email …and they were in the meeting where it was discussed …and their inaction caused more work on you


At my warehouse we have a “sweeping schedule”. Everyone is required to pick a day and a time (A.M. or P.M.) to sweep the floors, and nobody is excluded. 64 year old boss man himself goes out there and sweeps every Monday and has for 20 years. New employee shows up for training. Tell him about the sweep schedule. He says, “Oh I’m not doing that shit. That’s emasculating and I ain’t no bitch. Don’t we have some women or some foreigners for that?” Boss man overhears. “Listen son, if you can’t push a broom, you can’t do jack shit.” Then he points at a sign above the exit.. the sign reads: “If you can’t do jack shit, get the fuck out”


So me and my now ex’s best friend planned a surprise party for her at my place and I asked her if she wanted to come by and hang out with me, text conversation went like this: Me: Hey babe, wanna hang out at my place tonight? Her: Sorry babe, I’m currently with (her best friend), and we’re about to go see a movie Her best friend saw that, and she called her from my phone asking what she was actually doing, and we could hear the guy she was with saying, “Yeah, I should probably go” Needless to say, there was no party


“I wasn’t driving dangerously, I was swerving to the music” – fucking moron who we fired for having numerous driving complaints. It’s not often that I want to punch someone in the face because they’re just that stupid, but that boy sure fit the bill.


I’m just a [astrological sign] I can’t help it