You’ve been kidnapped by aliens, the aliens tell you that if you can explain the history of your world in a quick summarized version, they will bring you back. What do you tell them?

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I pull out my phone, and show them The History of the World I Guess, by Bill Wurtz.


nothing, i want to goto their planet


‘The story so far: In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.’ – Douglas Adams, Restaurant at the End of the Universe


Fuck, kill, repeat.


so one day all the animals were just chilling killing each other with totally balanced weapons like teeth and claws and any change in the meta happened very slowly so animals could evolve and adapt. ​ then a naked ape figured out how to throw a fucking rock and before you know it we have people who evolved to live on African plains hunting and foraging for food trying to live together in massive cities and constantly arguing about politics and blowing each other up.