A woman walked up to me at lunch an asked if I have ever heard of Jesus.

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If not for the work thing, you could ask, “Are you talking about the commie, pinko, lefty, liberal, long-haired hippie-freak Jesus? Or are you talking about Republican Jesus riding into town on a T-rex with an AK-47 over each shoulder and ammo belts across his chest? Or, perhaps you mean gay Jesus who ran around with 12 other dudes in togas and sandals turning water into wine and running a traveling gay bar?”


One of the things that shuts them down really quick: Just ask them where they live and if you can go home with them! Bonus points if it’s girl and you are a guy! If they start weaseling at that, just say that a stranger asking about a personal relationship with Jesus/Buddha/Tom Cruise/whatever is the same as a stranger you never met hanging asking to hang at your house! I mean, you don’t know me or give two shits about me! I mean, if i am not good enough to hang with you, why should you care about my “salvation”? Can I hang with you? Can we be great friends? Shuts them down. One time when i lived in New Orleans, I was approached by this girl while I was trying to relax and read in Jackson Square. Cute girl, but delusional as hell. She was brought over on one of these “convert the sinner” tours from some big church rip off Bible College in East Texas. When I brought that up to her, I think I had the poor girl questioning why she was going into the ministry. She left quickly and I was able to finish off a chapter in the book I was reading over a cold beer.


“Jesus? The one that said that if I don’t believe in him I’ll go to hell? Are you threatening me with eternal damnation if I don’t believe what you believe? Because that sounds like a threat. Are you threatening me?”


Cheez-its? Yes, they’re my favorite cracker.


I actually love playing dumb… “what’s ..Geeee-suus.. am I saying that right?”