[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts. The bartender asked the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy replied, “Yeah, he does that all the time. He’s always hungry. I’ll pay for the peanuts”, and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks a couple of pennies as change onto the counter, which the monkey promptly grabs and swallows. The guy said, “Oh he eats random things all the time”. As if on cue, the monkey jumps onto the pool table and stuffs the cue ball down his throat. Sighing, the man brings out his wallet. The next week, the man and his monkey go back to the bar. This time, the monkey sees cherries on the counter. He grabs one, rams it up his buttcrack, removes it and eats it. Disgusted, the bartender asks the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “Yeah, ever since he had to shit out that cue ball he ate last time, he’ll be darned if he doesn’t measure everything first”.

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Two weeks later the guy returns with the monkey. This time the monkey passed everything through water, and then put it in his butt, before eating it. The bartender is amazed and asks the guy about this uncanny behavior. The guy replies that last time the monkey had put a lit cigarette up his ass.


It’s funny but I’ll never tell anyone this one


A guy goes into a bar, and a monkey hops up onto the stool next to him. A few minutes later, the guy gets his drink, and the monkey jumps onto the bar and pees into the glass. Irate, the man asks the bartender to whom the monkey belongs, and is informed that he belongs to the pianist. He storms up to the pianist and says, “do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?” “No,” the pianist replies, “but if you hum a few bars I can probably pick it up.”


I always visualise things when reading them.Ddi not go so well hre.


Quikc maths.