A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

“You’ve tested positive for opiates.” The doctor said. The man quickly replied: “Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier.” “Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine.” “…It was an everything bagel.”

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I scored high on my drug test.


We were federally mandated to drug test all employees, the CEO on down had no idea when a testing team was going to appear, of course, we also had a pre-employment drug test. My favorite dumbass was the guy who called HR the day after he took the test, he wanted to know if he passed, if you have to ask, the answer is “no”. BTW, when we got the results, he flunked by a mile.


“Consistently able to deliver positive results” – on your CV


Last drug test I took they found a small trace of urine.


I knew I was going to have to take a drug test for work so I studied all night. OD’d three times, almost died and I still failed!