My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

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This is good

markste4321

3 hours in and no one has said they have heard it ….Nice!

keeperof-the-flame

Sounds like you had a lot of issues.

XianCopSOPASponsor

Pshhh. Every comic book reader knows that you would tear out the first page of the subsequent issue to remove the conclusion.

pain_in_the_dupa

Finally a original joke!

annoyingsab

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out.

He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.

So, he gets in the first cab.

“How much is it to the airport?” he asks.

The driver says, “$15.”

“Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?”

The cab driver says, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”

So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.

“How much to airport?”

“$15.”

“Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?”

And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.

He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.

He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.

He asks, “Hey how much to the airport?”

Driver responds, “$15.”

The guy hands him $15 and says, “Great let’s go!”

And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

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Plot twist: The first driver in the line replies “I’ll give you $10.”

vartha

Get revenge? On the cab driver who wouldn’t give him a free lift? I’ll say it, this guy is a cunt.

BenUFOs_Mum

Plot twist. He takes Uber. Gets raped.

IlikeYuengling

Why get revenge on a cab driver who didn’t want to give a free ride? I’m not hating the cab driver enough to want the man to get revenge.

Warrensk

This is great, but I think I enjoyed it a bit more the last 4 billion times it was posted here

Confuse–Ious

A mother is concerned that her son isn’t making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living

And he says he won’t have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn’t fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away.

So he would buy a new car on loan and intentionally not make the payments. When the repossession company would come, he would let them take it, and then threaten to sue them in court. He would rough himself up a little bit, and the company would settle outside of court; they would pay for the car to avoid getting a negative reputation.

“That’s smart son, but what makes you think you’ll be successful here?”

“That’s easy. Repo sting for car, ma!”

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The ways of a Redditor. Good.

RayInRed

> Reposting for karma

If you’re slow like me.

WhiteSpock

Adding this to my list of signs of aging;

1. Not knowing what the current popular music is and not caring.
2. Having no idea what the latest memes are and not caring.
3. Having to think and re-think about jokes to get puns.

treetown1

This. This is the best pun of 2019

netwoodle21

Booooo

fall3nmartyr

A guy walks into a store with his dog.

The manager sees him and says, “Hey, you can’t have your dog here, you have to leave!”

The guy replies, “Oh, don’t worry, this is a talking dog, watch. Hey Rusty, how does sandpaper feel?” The dog says, “ruff!”. Still, the owner kicks them out.

On the walk back, the dog says, “Fuck, I should’ve said ‘like sand’.”

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I’ve heard a longer version of this joke:

‘What does sandpaper feel like?’

‘Ruff’

‘What covers a house?’

‘Roof’

‘Who was the greatest baseball player?’

‘Ruth’

Dog and owner get kicked out, dog says ‘Should I have said Gehrig?’

Bumbaguette

nice

funkmaster322

I hate sand.

RayInRed

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

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Good one! Take it r/dadjokes. They’ll love it over there.

ApeThyme

Well, the density of water is 8.345 lbs/gal and the density of butane is about 4.82 lbs/gal, so OP is in fact correct. Well done.

AspectRatio149

Heeey! That was smooth af.

jazzbuh

Heres one for the Americans:
Which is heavier?
A kilogram of steel
Or
A kilogram of feathers?

Beardlodger

This is Greta Thunberg’s favorite subreddit.

She’s very appreciative of our commitment to recycling jokes.

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*sees all comments getting downvoted into oblivion*

Me to me: choose your words very carefully my guy

Me: TOP TEN N WORDS

Me to me: close enough

ElfboyLucky

How dare you!

LordBrandon

I am teenage who actively working on getting your joke.

grayrhinos

She’s always looks at the biggest joke in the world, tweaks it slightly, and gets all the karma.

(Trumps Twitter)

waldo06

But is she really autistic?

Walt_G

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup.”

“What if you miss?”

He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”

“Okay, well I’ve got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”

“Let’s go,” the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.

“Hold on a minute,” said the assassin, “I think I can save you 10K”.

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I expected: “If I shoot now I’d only get 10k”

TangoCharly43

Assassin knows how to get the 5* reviews. Save the client money and save bullets as well.

Win-win

Exploding_Owlbear

Boom, headshot.

lonelyzombi3

I can’t be the only one who saw a blowjob headshot coming a mile away

SmolKeanuReeves

Okay, I call shenanigans. Way to unrealistic for me to suspend disbelief. You don’t get into the assassin business to be charitable. If he could get $20k, he would.

the_honest_liar

Floppy Disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

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I was going to say “because they’re old and have holes in them”

Unlucky_Clover

Holy shit. Have an upvote

pokey_bum_wannk

They are both old fashioned answers to problems that no longer exist.

Navaro27

But unlike Jesus, it’s very difficult to resurrect them.

​

(several years ago my boss handed me a box of around 400 1.44 inch floppy disks – and asked me to check to make sure there was “anything important that needed saving” on them.

Edit (keeping in original to show my stupidity) – 1.44MB, 3.5 inch

GrumpyOik

Amazing. I use my floppy disk as drink coasters now.

YungBokChoy

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.

**EDIT** Since I’ve got your attention, does anybody know a site or app where I can play Monopoly online against other people?

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My family can’t play monopoly together. My parents ended up not talking to each other for a week over it.

bananaboi_

Collect 200 karma

donkey_OT

My mom+wine+Monopoly=her turning into a communist

ethanrodriguez3763

I hope that one day we will finally start jailing people for reposting this joke.

krakken232

I piss everyone off when I play Monopoly with them because I make crazy deals when they are most vulnerable. They call it “unfair”, I call it “good business”.

WickedBedSheet