Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?”

I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

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So I threw the book at him hard enough to leave a mark.

shoziku

Probably doesn’t help that you keep telling him, “Hello hungry, I’m dad.”

saifdavinci

Oh hi mark

alphadeeto

Just the Most Upvoted r/dadjokes of all time btw.

Kaiser_Fiffi

You could have a boof mark

AcidBathVampire

“I don’t understand you,” cried my girlfriend. “One minute you’re really offensive to me and the next you’re really polite.”

“Bitch, please,” I said.

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My girlfriend said I suffer from delusions of grandeur. I was so shocked I nearly fell off of my throne.

Malcolmpargin

you said, “biiitch?”

not_a_droid

One minute my girlfriend is asking me to stop cross dressing, and when I argue about it she tells me to put myself in her shoes.

fuglytofunky

Did you really take a minute between the two words?

gebertirim

I guess those tacos weren’t good enough for you.

postedUpOnTheBlock

What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?

For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.

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Dammit, I’m mad !

ChadworthPuffington

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

ulteriormotive33

Huh?

xmk23x

Upvote cuz I learned and chuckled

ceaandk

**What’s the similarity between a syndrome, an aerodrome and a palindrome?**

a man, a plan, a canalpanama

a syndrome hurts a man, an aerodrome needs a plan, and ..

111248

Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.”

The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him.

The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed.

The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”

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This joke has been on reddit before reddit ever existed

burekmemish

Dude, this joke is older than the Internet. I couldn’t even speak English yet when I learned it.

Lolmyasslily

r/constantlyreposted

BuisnessAsUsual123

I’ve seen this joke numerous times before but here is an upvote

YonyTerrorri

This joke is older than cannibalism.

Pyrotron2016

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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A single piranha? Must be a very small child.

klendathu22

So this is really interesting, and I’m not sure where I read it/ heard it, but piranhas don’t really attack anything that falls into the water. So, when Teddy Roosevelt was travelling the Amazon, his guides supposedly cordoned off a portion of the river, so that the piranhas there would starve for days. Then when they brought him there, they chucked a horse carcass in, and they devoured it in minutes, and they told him, “Yep, classic piranhas, eating giant mammals in minutes and whatnot” so he believed them and wrote about it in his journal and this was passed on as fact. His guides just wanted to trick the American into believing something insane.

If you were to really stick your finger into a tank of piranhas, you’d be fine. They wouldn’t bother you. Penn and Teller did a bit with Teller was dropped into a tank, strapped in a straightjacket, and had to get out. He took a good while, but managed to get out, wriggling around quite a bit, maybe even accidentally nudging a few piranhas with his foot, but he got out completely safe, without even slightly disturbing the fish

Metallidoge

You lost the job at the aquarium? Did you do something fishy?

dkrypt29

I guess, it sleeps with the fishes now.

pulpwario

Biting satire here.

r_politics_is_shills

So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy.

The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.”

So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly.

“Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy.

The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”

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I was about to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Guess I’ll starve.

Blue_Torro

Some shit you just can’t unsee….have an upvote

destroyingangl

After high school I shared an apartment with 3 friends. One night we’re having a party with several friends over and the cops get called for the noise. They come in and make everyone give them ID’s (some under age drinkers). So they knock on my roommates door and he comes out a few minutes later with blood on his face and smudged hands. Not drenched like a murderer but smudged just enough to notice. His gf had started and she didn’t realize it until the lights were turned on and she saw his face. To this day we bring it up every Halloween “You going to dress as a vampire again?” Cops had a good laugh too but still made us shut the party down due to a couple MIPs

Smtxom

Jokes like this make me feel better about being a virgin…

Alpha_pro2019

Holy shit

dukeexperience

I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

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Took two reads, but I got it.
The upvote is really just for me.
🙂

Ken_Meredith

Ohhhh i have one, so i went up to Jesus and i asked him why he carries around an olive branch, and he said it’s because olive you.

Shadowyne

I was told this by a very short carpenter, made me a little cross.

Brokensaint1

I still prefer the joke from The Crow:

Jesus walks into a hotel with three nails and says “can you put me up for the night?”

TigerOnTheProwl

“Cross references”

mbf8910

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

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Sounds like a video for Tom Scott’s great great grandson.

DennisNedrey

Nice ripoff from Twitter. Braaaavo

Pm__me__your_secrets

Stolen from Twitter, you fucking asshole.

Gnarfledarf

I clicked on this thinking it was a writing prompt….

TheWalkinFrood

The twittershpere and the redditsphere begin their spiral dance as the gravitational pull of each galaxy draws them toward the final cataclysmic descent into becoming a massive black hole from which nothing, not even light, can escape.

treditor13