What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

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These beauty pageant moms are crazy. This past year, one mom was injecting her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants, so the got arrested and she lost custody. The little girl didn’t look surprised.

MEforgotUSERNAME

If this joke was any darker the cops would have arrested it by now

Prossdog

Man this dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it

SlenDman402

That is awful & I’m a worse person for reading that joke. But take my upvote!

CatherinePiedi

LOL these jokes never get old

Dark_Reaper115

I found my wife’s G-spot

It is in her sister

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Bet it really gets her screamin’

Maybe_Im_Not_Black

You might’ve been making Whoopi, but she faked it… it was a Sister Act.

G3NGO

*I couldn’t say where she’s coming’ from*

*But I just met a lady named dinah-moe*

*She stroll on over, say look here, bum*

*I got a forty dollar bill say you can’t make me cum*

Mindhost

You’re such a good guy for finding it, you should keep it a secret for as long as possible. Because when you have pussy, and you get more pussy, you usually end up with no pussy.

SEK2410

Terrible repost aside, that’d make a hilariously fucked up porno/sitcom situation for there to be a spot on one woman that would make a different woman cum if you rubbed it.

theRailisGone

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

He turns to her and says,

“What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating,” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”

“That’s great,” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I switched cocks,” he replies.

“What a coincidence,” she said.

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She hears she is pregnant and her first thught is to go drinking.

rhazfan

I need coffee… Read as chicken goes into a bar. Took me too long for my brain to catch up.

shimonu

Seriously thought the fact that she’s drinking despite being pregnant was part of the joke.

AmazingSparkman

Nice gesture for evryone who missed this joke last week.

SinglyPass77

The old switch-a-roo

doggeddreamer

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

He turns to her and says,

“What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating,” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”

“That’s great,” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I switched cocks,” he replies.

“What a coincidence,” she said.

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She hears she is pregnant and her first thught is to go drinking.

rhazfan

I need coffee… Read as chicken goes into a bar. Took me too long for my brain to catch up.

shimonu

Seriously thought the fact that she’s drinking despite being pregnant was part of the joke.

AmazingSparkman

Nice gesture for evryone who missed this joke last week.

SinglyPass77

The old switch-a-roo

doggeddreamer

I’m sick and tired of this “everybody wins” mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

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So many people apparently don’t know what atrophy is.

twohedwlf

Im not sure if these commenters don’t realize this is r/jokes, or if they just legitimately don’t get the joke. It’s pretty damn good actually.

WowThatsRelevant

There are two types of people commenting on this. Those who think it’s great to win “atrophy” and the rest who would rather not waste away. Hilariously, only one group is aware the other exists.

mahck

There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary…

poinsy

Kids these days are so mal-adjusted. Maybe they should go see a therapist or an analyst or a hybrid of the two: the analrapist. Thank you, *Arrested Developement*

El-cid-98

Mt favorite naval joke!

**Americans**: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

**Canadians**: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

**Americans**: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

**Canadians**: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

**Americans**: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States’ Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that’s one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

**Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.**

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My favorite naval joke:

“Nice to meet you, I’m a naval surgeon.”

“Oh, I hadn’t realized medicine is so specialized today.”

MasterFubar

QM-mayday mayday this is the queen mary

GCG-hello Queen Mary this is the German Coast Guard what’s your problem

QM- thank god, we are sinking

GCG-what are you sinking about

urmomaisjabbathehutt

Reminds me of an old one too, far from naval but with a captain.

An airplane is descending for landing.

**Captain:** Tower, what’s the local time?

**Tower:** What’s your airline?

**Captain:** What’s the difference, Tower?

**Tower:** Well, if you are Lufthansa the answer is 14:24:36. For Swiss, it’s 14:25. For AirFrance, it’s a beautiful afternoon, just about time to have some wine. And if you are Aeroflot, today is Tuesday.

mmikhailidi

Sailboat rental manager over megaphone – “Sailboat 81 your rental time is over, return to the dock immediately.”

Manager’s assistant – “Sir, we only have 20 boats.”

Manager – “Sailboat 18, do you require assistance?”

bezelbubba

So no more lighthouse

Kitchen-Wasabi-2059

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying “Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick told the farmer “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”
Muldoon said “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick replied “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic.”

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The papal church accepts PayPal

edlee98765

I giggled!!

fromhelley

Bitt coin is next.

SeasideJilly

Just curious: does Ireland use USD? What’s their currency? Euro and maybe pound? (I know it’s a joke I’m asking out of curiosity)

james-liu

A teenage girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents

Her parents are disgusted by the boyfriend’s crazy haircut, excessive tattoos and piercings.

After dinner, the girl’s mom tells her, “Honey, he doesn’t seem to be a nice boy. Are you sure about this?”

“Oh please mom.” the girl begged. “If he wasn’t a nice person why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?

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His parole office will vouch for him

TheAres1999

“If he wasn’t a nice person why would he be doing me 500 ways from Sunday?

Redditmasterofnone1

Soooooo…
The joke is the boyfriend?

REDDIT_SUB_ADMIN

is she blonde?

blackgoldlink

The real joke here is prejudice

rarature

A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

“Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something.”

“Yes, sweety?”

“I, uh, I’m gay.”

“Gay?” His heart stopped. “Does that mean you put men’s things in your mouth?”

“Grandma!!!!”

“Well??”

Mortified, he muttered sheepishly, “I, uh, yeah?”

Whack! The wooden spoon found its mark. “Don’t you EVER,” she sternly replied, “complain about my cooking again.”

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I was waiting for:

Grandma: “Well I guess Grandma is a little gay too then”

sticks1130

I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandpa’s dick last night…

I dont know why it wasn’t cremated with the rest of him?

ES_FTrader

Not original, but I’ve no idea where or when I heard it before.

kamuelak

Apparently grandpa didn’t wash his dick.

MurderousMaraca

I laughed.

Thanks!

Iarwain_ben_Adar