It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.
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The main character*
Holy shit. I’ve never heard this joke. Literally the first time for me on this sub.
Got me.
You got me
Hahaha. Which character?
Jokes
I asked my parents if I was adopted.
They said, “Hell no, why would we pick you?”
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I asked mine the same question. They said “For the last time, no!” and sent me back to the orphanage.
F
Not yet. But we still hope.
Creative. Me like
No. We couldn’t find anyone that wants you
Tinder is for rookies
Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It’ll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.
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Oh. My. Gosh. A true genius walks among us.
This was ripped off another post from r/all today?
Reduce current dress size by 3 to get to wedding dress size. Also check dress for recent wine and Haagen Daaz stains.
This should be on r/LifeProTips
I like it when the joke can also be posted on r/UnethicalLifeProTips
Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet?
Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.
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And a negative review from Pluto after it got kicked out
Stupid alpha centauri with its fancy 3 stars
Keanu was on holiday that day.
I thought it was because on a fly by two aliens were sitting in their spaceship and one said: “Hey I think the 3rd planet from the star has intelligent species on it!” The other said: “I’m not so sure about that…” “But they have developed the technology to launch satellites into orbit!” Said the first. The second replied: “Yea but those satellites have nuclear missiles pointed back at the planet…” The first thought for moment and said “You know what, maybe they’re not so intelligent after all, let’s just continue on.”
Hey. Don’t talk shit about our solar system! Love it or leave it!
Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
“Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!” The woman
said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-
she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times
richer than
you. ”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s
his is mine.”
So, KAZAM- she’s the richest woman in the world!
The
frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like to have a
mild heart attack.”
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And this her husband had a heart attack ten times as mild as hers.
The version I heard was that the other would get double. The final wish was to be beaten half to death.
But, if he had a heart attack 10x stronger, he’d die, making your other 2 wishes…..oh, I see what you did there
At least you put some effort into changing the original joke. Good on you for not copying and pasting it word for word.
Haha spouse bad
True story: My wife told me after our first kid
“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”
Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”
She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.
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Classic dad joke
The day after my wedding we had a casual brunch get together at our house and opened wedding gifts. Someone made a passive aggressive swipe at the aging dishwasher loudly grinding away in my kitchen and I made lovey dovey eyes at my bride and said “It’s okay, I just got a new dishwasher”
2.8 kg in non freedom units
I’m a lady with kids and I think this is funny.
I don’t get it, why would she be mad?
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.
Until she checked the freezer.
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Man this joke is cold.
r/TwoSentenceHorror
The joke was dark until she opened the freezer.
You had an iced iced baby
The fact this joke with slight tweaks gets so many upvotes is something else.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,
The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”. In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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Ok! An original (at least to me), intelligent and funny joke on r/jokes.
Jeez I didn’t see r/jokes and thought this was news for a second
Good up until the end of the third last sentence — “…ezi TU understand ech oza.”
I thought the letter ‘C’ had been abandoned by this stage? Also, I would expect the desire to shorten words would have had more of an effect on the word “understand”.
Sorry, I know it’s a joke. I’m a stickler for the suggested rules within the joke to be adhered to.
I think the end result looks more Dutch than German.
You put in the work, take my upvote
A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.
They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:
“I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a small social experiment we are having.”
“Sure, what is the experiment?” all three of them answer unanimously.
“Come with me.”
Ans they are led through the village to a hut on the other side. Once in front of the Hut the leader speaks again:
“All you need to do is go in the hut and interact with the things you will find inside. You must interact with all of them, anyway you see fit and in any order you like. You have one hour.”
“Doesn’t sound hard, I will go first.” says the German and opens the door. Inside he finds a beautiful naked woman, a big tasty sandwich and some clothes waiting to be ironed next to an old iron. He irons the clothes and once he is done eats the sandwich and then touches the woman’s breast. Once he exits the hut he is asked by the leader:
“Please explain your logic.”
“Simple, in Germany we work first, then we eat and if there is time we have fun.”
“Alright, I am next.” says the Italian and opens the door.
He immediately goes for the woman and makes love to her for some time. Once they are both satisfied he goes for the sandwich. In the end he just folds the clothes without ironing them and exits the hut.
“Please, explain.”
“In Italy, we have fun, then we eat and if there is time we work.”
Lastly the Greek enters the hut. Once everyone looks from the window they see him making love to the woman from behind, eating the sandwich while she is ironing the clothes. Once he is done he opens the door and steps out.
The leader is shocked but still manages to ask him to explain.
“It’s simple. In Greece if you don’t screw the employee you don’t get to eat.”
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I must be Italian, my boss Greek, and my wife German.
Would like to apologize for the length of the joke.
I’m dumb I don’t get it
The last part is shockingly accurate.
A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.
The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who’s pastor husband had died the day before.
When the widow checked her email, she let out a shriek and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her children came running to see what the matter was, and saw this on the screen:
“Dearest wife,
Just checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. See you soon.
Your loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here!”
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Nice
Fake. No married man would ever call their wife ‘dearest’
Happy cake day!!! That’s a funny joke. The it’s hot down here really sells it!!!
heard this joke before, but its still a good one
That’s good. That’s good.