Humor

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom” (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes "Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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I can see this happening. Take my upvote.

stliceman

An SMBC comic had a similar joke, but with happiness. "You may take either pill. If you take the green one, you will know happiness. If you take the blue one, you will have all the knowledge in the universe." "I'll take the blue one. Ha! Now that I know everything, I can know how to be happy! *Take the green pill.* Dammit."

MidnightDoesThings

Would becoming the most handsome man in the world change my apperance, or would it just change everyones elses perspective on "handsomeness"? Because I don't want my mom to not recognize me.

NorthernSpectre

With enough money, you can even buy Greenland.

rangertommyoliver

If he has infinite wisdom, he should be able to use it towards some kind of revolutionary project which would make him rich. Thus, he would be wise and rich.

NoSpywareHere




My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes She said she just can't take it any longer.

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Tell her to come back, now you both can blow your life savings.. Edit: holy wtf, this is what I get for wasting time at work not checking reddit from work.. Usually I see so many inbox messages I'm afraid to look, a happy surprise for me.

predictingzepast

OP thought long and hard about this one.

wicker_warrior

Take your upvote you witty bastard

Ravenveil

You'll be fine, as long as things dont get out of hand.

tkdesperado

Her love wasn't deep enough

CrediblyHandsome




A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes ‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ‘ are-my-tests-re-sults-back?’

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A clean dirty joke, love it, thanks

Dudeinminnetonka

Well now they’re blue.

postedUpOnTheBlock

More action than I've gotten in years.

PurdueJohn

I thought the nurse was holding the penis on the man and the separated testicles on the other hand with arms wide open Edit: fixed weird wording

TimesX

What if the guy himself was black?

CaptainKhan4131




Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes They like to beat the crowds. Edit: WTF is wrong with you people? I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong. Edit 2: Add edit to first comment. Also head over to awardspeechedits. They really hate me over there. Thanks for all the awards. Happy Saturday (Sunday over in OZ/NZ )everyone.

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Not tonight though. They are out clubbing.

xerods

I give three shrimps. Ha Ha Ha!

GoodestLogic

I am redacting 10 social credit points. You are now banned from the mainland comrade

Sk-yline1

Give it week, then unfortunately r/darkjokes

ARealLifeGuy

Protesters in Hong Kong get attacked by cops US: Wow they're so brave for resisting the brutal tryanny they face every day. Send them money. Protestors in US get attacked by cops US: They deserve it, they're all terrorists.

Voodoosoviet




Two Chinese dudes break into a distillery. One says to the other “is this Whiskey?” (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes The other says “yes but not as Whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

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This is not racial hate or NSFW... user reports: 12: It's rude, vulgar or offensive 2: Threatening, harassing, or inciting violence 2: Mark NSFW and NSFL comments. 1: this is not only racist but also doesnt make sense. 1: Jesus fucking christ are we even trying to be funny anymore? 1: garbage and racist 1: Meh 1: a bit racist 1: It's targeted harassment at someone else 1: Its racist

carmabound

Rhotacism humor.

Buck_Thorn

Chinese? More like Elmer Fudd.

nineznuff

Is this the hunter from looney tunes?

rull1an

Chinese people can still pronounce r's....

GodBlessSushi




If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes UB40 now

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Alright you did it, on your way.

BarzTheOrange

I think you'd have to have been four years old. It was released in '83.

buggerknife

Nah man, you be 52. Neil Diamond forever son.

col-fancypants

No, you'd be 60. The song was released in 1967. Your joke is 20 years too late. Even if you were talking about the UB40 cover version, you'd be 44. Maybe you should stop dredging up reposts that involve specific dates, or at least bother to update them properly.

Philip_J_Frylock

It's a good joke but actually false. Red Red Wine is actually a neil diamond song released in 1967. The UB40 song is a (obviously more successful) cover. And it was released 36 years ago not 32 years ago. So even that joke doesn't make sense.

spartan6222




I think it’s funny that “forgive me father, for I have sinned” and “sorry Daddy, I’ve been naughty” don’t mean the same thing at all (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes But somehow both lead to sex

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I thought the title was the entire joke already and then I clicked.

burnSMACKER

Similar to butt dial and booty call, but they don’t both lead to sex.. usually.

IRadiateNothing

And stop it father and stop it daddy are also said during sex

lonik007

Wait is this OC?

GodzCooldude

First part is what you tell father O'Hanahan in confession... Second part is what father O'Hanahan hears.

5eeb5




Do you know what DNA stands for? (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes National Dyslexic Association

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Can't spell dyslexia without "sexy"

cxr303

Am ashamed I had to twice it read.

mikechi4809

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

modsquad20

This was a fnnuy jkoe

Arghurys2838

Deoxyribonucleic acid r/iamverysmart

Tikaani89




How does every racist joke start? (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes With a look over your shoulder.

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I'm not racist but....

skipyeahbuddy

When does a [member of an ethnicity] become a [insert ethnic slur]? When he leaves the room.

fd1Jeff

I think it's kinda racist that white people can't be black.

TrustworthyTip

What do you call a black guy flying a plane??? A pilot you fucking racist.

Whitealroker1

It's kinda funny telling this joke in person to someone. So many times after exaggerating a look over each shoulder they just gaze at you expectantly as if saying: "Go on... the coast is clear!"

Nogster




Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

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A recent study showed that marriage is the leading cause of divorce!

jnelsoninjax

A recent statistic concluded that every 1 in 3 people make up a third of the population.

RoversTigers

My dad told me that 9 out of 10 inmates actually prefer a gang rape.

Raze625

Statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian roulette

borazine

In a recent clinical trial of a vaccine on rabbits, 33% lived, 33% died and one ran away.

DimwitEggheadIII




A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.95 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a shot of Tequila,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $20.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.” Awesome says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” “That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man. The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?” The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Show Top Comments

If a genie ever gives me a wish, that's what I'll ask for - money in my pocket to pay for what I want

HumphryClinker

The real joke is that two orders of steak and tequila only come out to $20.

Torvite

Lol I first heard this joke from a priest, he left out the part where the chick agrees with everything, I was wondering why the ostrich always ordered the same thing.

DaaaahWhoosh

Allegedly

freddylamar

When I first read this joke on reddit a decade ago, there was also a cat involved that shouted "I'm not paying" with every order. The bloke had asked for a chick with long legs that agreed with everything he saidf and a tight pussy.

ginosanti




What do tofu and dildos have in common? (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes They’re both meat substitutes

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They both taste like whatever you put them in Edit: thanks for the medal y’all, first time here

cannibalbitch

I love tofu and dildos love to f u

addit96

This is something I didn't expect.

trimlimdim

I asked my boyfriend this question.. he says.. “They are both gross when they are soft.” I think, we need to unpack this.

ashinypennyforthough

I like my dildos like I like my tofu, extra firm

Trruuueeee




What do you call a Bee hive with no exits? (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes Unbelievable.

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I would’ve called it a risky water balloon but ok

Chef_Boyardee_thicc

YES!! I've been looking for a third bee joke to complement the other two in my arsenal. 1. What's the best way to get a bee to go away? Stare directly at it, cuz seeing is bee leaving. 2. If I have a bee in my hand, what do I have in my eye? Beauty, it's in the eye of the bee holder.

B4DL4RRY

Un-bee-leave-able. I think I got it.

SpenceLoverBoy

I will allow this one

redditporean

Going straight into my repertoire. +1

tigerjuice888




A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

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#Mawage Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.

haemaker

Variant: King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover. "But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin. "Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!" The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chastity belt with a hole cut through the fabric over the vagina. In the hole of the fabric was an invisible, razor-sharp spring-loaded blade. Merlin grabbed a nearby candle, stuck it into the hole, and SPROING! The blade shot out and chopped the candle clean in half. "Splendid!!!" said Arthur. Arthur went out on his quest, returned a month later, and lined up all his knights in a row. "Alright, men," he said, "Show me what you've got. Take off your breeches." Ashamed, they all took off their breeches and, to Arthur's astonishment, *every single one of his knights* was now a eunuch. Gawain, Tristan, Percival -- all just had stubs now. All except Galahad. Galahad's cock remained full and intact. With tears of gratitude, Arthur approached the young knight. "Ah, Galahad!!! Galahad the Pure!!! Let it be known that you are now the heir to my entire kingdom, to Excalibur, and to all that I have! Tell me, oh brave spirit, how were you able to resist temptation where all others had failed?" Galahad cleared his throat and said, "Well, it wathn't eathy..."

HarambeCantMeltSteel

ok, actually never heard this one before. nice.

rooletwastaken

ha ha he sucked on her boobies. I'm 5. 😐

hashtag_lives_matter

Reminds me of Reverend Spooner, for whom Spoonerisms were named (transposing initial letters of words). 'The Lord is a shoving leopard...'

Zappawench




“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?” (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

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What a short tempered person. Maybe it's the men you pause.

Oltarus

"Not the men you have sex with.. I said the menu please!" *another slap*

eyekwah2

A man is ordering at a restaurant and he asks the waitress for a quickie. She slaps him hard across the face. "I'm sorry but I really want a quickie!" She slaps him again. As the man is about to repeat his order, a stranger sitting behind him whispers, "Sir, I believe that's pronounced *quiche*."

piece_of_laundromat

Sounds like it may be an original. If so, brace yourself to be served in hot!

csgonemes1s

And that's just for starters! The mains thing is he got his just desserts.

markste4321




How do boomers change a lightbulb (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

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They screw it up.

Ranger0202

They are fine with changing the lightbulb themselves, but then they smash the other 3 in the package so on one else can have light later.

bungchung

So I shared this with my dad (65) and he says he would have said, have the kids change it when they move back home.

dropofkim

I thought they changed it but never stopped complaining about it not being as good as the old in any way

newmans11

I thought they got millennials to change it and then charged them rent.

WhiteWhenWrong




Me: I’m terrified of random letters (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes Therapist: You are? Me: *SCREAMS* Therapist: Oh I see Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES* Edit: Its my first time to post something in reddit since I've tried to be part of the community and I appreciate very much for the gold award, really. And this joke is around for so long before and just remember it so why not to post it. Thanks guys!

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I imagine Homer-screaming sounds.

DproUKno

T H E R A P I S T

smallteam

"My name is Michael with a B, and I've been afraid of insects my whole life." "Stop, stop, stop. Where?" "Hmm?" "Where's the B?" "*There's a bee?!*"

j0sie95

Every time I see the word *therapist*, I always read it as *the rapist*.

prankerjoker

C'mon, you can do better. Therapist : Gee. Why? Me: *collapses catatonic* Therapist's Mexican Assistant: Es el bien?

FreakyCheeseMan




A Holocaust survivor passed away, went to heaven, and told God a Holocaust joke (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes God: Holocaust jokes aren’t funny Holocaust Survivor: I guess you had to be there

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This is almost word for word a joke from Ricky Gervais

mattyondubs

God: it’s not funny when you’ve heard it 6 million times.

Klaus0225

You saw this on comedians in cars getting coffee, admit it.

sharinglungs

Neil Armstrong used to make really unfunny jokes about the moon and when people wouldn't laugh he would say "I guess you just had to be there" and that's another reason why astronauts are amazing.

PonyoNoodles

Among survivors of the Shoah there are some who debate whether God was there, in their suffering. Why did he not stop it. A good joke but a sad one.

JamesJoyce365




I live under a 4 million dollar roof. (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes Bridges sure are expensive.

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$4 million for a bridge is nothing. In fact that's a bridge I would not want to live under, peasant.

cuddle_enthusiast

Fine. Take your toll, troll.

Consensus_Builder

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner...

Leftygoleft999

At least you have a roof above your head.

shawnlys

oof

Michael--Jackson




My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It’s not even YOUR money… (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes Anymore.

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Jesus take the roulette wheel

MyUsualName

Religion tag on point religion is all about money

RugBurnDogDick

Ok that was pretty funny lol

xlxmassxlx

The unrelated religion tag makes this funnier!

prankored

nice one!

julesdesmit11




A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

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Caught me off guard. Love it, have an upvote

Foxiestofstoats

*woman

WreckNRepeat

They had us in the first half, not gonna lie.

CoDFan935115

Can I please have a penny or something everytime I hear this joke? Lol I'd be rich

functionchen

Ahh, #172839. Good one

EpikUserzz




What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes Found in your cell, unresponsive.

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With broken bones in your neck.

Upsideinsideout

Beat me to it!

barcelona36

Binold Crapton. Oh... it was rhetorical.

RedundantPhilosopher

NEW Conspiracy theory: Epstien isn't dead. He's in witness protection. They faked his death protect him from assassins so he could help the authorities take down some SUPER high profile targets.

Satolah

Ahh sorry I “fell asleep for 3 hours”

KNizzzz




What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common? (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes "I miss Vine."

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The broken English for the Tarzan version is what makes this perfect.

RetroArchitect

I was ready to come in here being annoyed af about another "millenials are killing _______" And I was super wrong and you deserve all the upvotes

mysticesca

Everything went bad with the death of a gorilla. EDIT: Jesus my first silver. Thanks kind stranger.

Bradforddimes

Millennials are old people and old people never used Vine.

swng

Neither can afford a house?

JoeFas




A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

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> A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. He's just enjoying the view.

BeardedWax

Frick you take my upvote.

TheOneGamer290

Been a while since this was reposted and I was trying to find this one to show my friends. Thanks for posting it!

strike396

I used to tell this joke to mock my friends. Instead of a maso I would say my friend's name.

fibonacci161

A masochist walks up to a sadist, and says "Beat me." The sadist, says "No!"

PyroJester187




Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.” But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering “Dave, you’re a veterinarian…”

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Was it an ostrich? I heard it would take two people

DrPewpew

Have your filthy upvote dave

cLIntTheBearded

Could be worse, at least he's not a pediatrician.

CMDR_Gungoose

At least he wasn't the Medical Examiner.

Scrubbing_Bubbles_

...invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering “Dave, you’re a Coroner…” ...I'll just show myself out.

SonOfThunderBunny




Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

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"Celebrating the five year anniversary of you asking me this question!" -Mitch Hedberg

sharrrper

Interviewer: I didn’t ask your biggest weakness me: I know in five years I see myself listening to others better I want to approve on my weeknesses

sezjzes

“90 days sober.”

yellowstonekelly

"Ideally, suspended with pay."

star_bury

Don't say "doing your wife"

uUpSpEeRrNcAaMsEe




My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers! (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

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From a hand I’m guessing

bobahazza

Just looked at your other posts, man you’re a funny guy. Thanks for the laughs

Internal_Storm

r/Twosentencehorror

aiutoja1

Mom, why are you hiding your left hand?

Slendy58

She was friends with the shigaraki family

NightBlaz




My wife: You didn’t hear a word I said, did you? (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.

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What I did hear though was the sound of this joke being posted 100 times prior to this

RyuShev

But... This *is* how it really goes...

MLXIII

Husband: Listening. I'd say listening is my greatest weakness.

Ivanwah

Turns out she wanted a divorce

PotatoeAndGravy

Wait! I will put hearing aids in. What did you say?

fozzal




A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car. (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

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Well, *3rd times the charm eh?*

Draxoli

I have a hard time pulling in to parking spots

Jstang232

Spoiler alert: The baby was driving.

martron3000

Hahahaha

AnonymousLoser123

Have your car sprayed in neutral.

meeyeam




If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion… (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes They would call it crucifact.

Show Top Comments

*Vatican City wants to know your location*

TooCoolToSocialize

That would be much more thorough. As they say, you gotta dot your I's and cross your messiahs.

Awaythrewn

you nailed it

right_angled_circle

...lord have mercy.

Chemicultured

If Jesus was real he'd use his super powers to stop Thanos and return the Iron Throne to Gandalf before the Klingons get there first.

cedricthe




Astronaut 1: “I can’t find any milk for my coffee.” (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes Astronaut:"In space no one can. Here, use cream."

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Man that’s awful have a vote

DarthKittens

I feel like I’m missing out on a really funny joke because I don’t understand this at all.

MoneyOverValues

Take my upvote

EnderDracon

Now i cant wait for reposters to start milking the joke for upvotes.

Pontlfication

Why is the first guy "Astronaut 1" but the second guy is just "Astronaut"

Androbo7




why don’t libraries have books about suicide? (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes They don’t get returned.

Show Top Comments

Welcome to the library, sir. Can I help you? I'd like to check out. Check out what? ...

FlamDukke

That’s a pretty good one.

ibuildcommunities

Was not expecting that. Take my damn upvote

Not_a_Homo_Sapien

Guy walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide. Librarian: ‘Fuck off, you won’t bring it back!’

Stardrive450

That was actually pretty good and I've never heard it

fowaddaud




Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

Show Top Comments

Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis? Something inside me says yes.

parshuram__

Two Eastern girls offered me a threesome. They were willing to Dubai.

kitjen

you were caught between a cock and a hard place

juicearefood

"I met this lady in Hollywood >>She had green hair but damn she looked good. >>I took her to my house because she was fine. >>But she whipped out a dick that was bigger than mine!"

paulfromatlanta

Thai girls can be a real pain in the ass sometimes :-/

Storm46




I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes I call it my trail mix.

Show Top Comments

God dammit. I’m so mad.

QirthGuake

same, but mine also has a couple songs from the california raisins

Frazier47

Are you forgetting the Marshmello?

fungalfeet

Add some KoЯn, Peaches and Herb, and, as u/Frazier47 suggested, California Raisins. Now we're talkin some sustenance.

2KilAMoknbrd

Take your upvote and get the fuck out of here.

chaosperfect




My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.… (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes That sentence was way too long.

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And you still haven't finished it.

Percival_Weshy

Heck you and have my upvote

SuperTaakot

Well *I* appreciate it.

Wombat1892

Was so long it put me in a comma

mweinberg58

So long it needed four periods.

RubyBlye




Harvard Streamlines Admission Process By Directly Growing New Students From DNA Of Top Donors (8/13/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

Show Top Comments

GAAAAARRRRRRY

Pun_meister1

Holy shit I thought this was r/nottheonion for a minute

nocontroll

“Invasion of the 1%.”

Sanlear

genius.

makha1ra

Except Asians.

redditisaleftistutop




Personally, I don’t believe in hoes before bros or bros before hoes. (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes There must be balance you see. A homie-hoe-stasis if you will

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The real tragedy of those who suffer from homie-hoe-phobia is that they fail to realize they can treat themselves! Using natural herbs and minerals to encourage the body to heal itself, a form of alternative medicine called homie-hoe-pathy, we can all find exactly the balance the OP mentioned.

iamkuato

Just a friendly little FYI: A hoe is a tool used to excavate; "Ho" is the term you're looking for when talking about females.

hashtag_lives_matter

I understand the jokes-taposition in this post

cbckley11

Unless you’re gay, then it’s bros before hose.

Static_Frog

I laughed, fuck all the haters, reposted shit is fine if it's been like 4 years come on.

Necrotitis




Damning Investigation Finds Jeffrey Epstein Left Unsupervised For Decades Prior To Suicide (8/14/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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> Barr then vowed to follow proper Department of Justice protocol by continuing this investigation until his team found out exactly who they could lay all the responsibility on for the negligence. I thought The Onion was supposed to be satire.

1stDegreeBoo-Urns

Those incompetent fucks left him unsupervised for billions of years before that

baranxlr

Replace “decades” with “hours” and this honestly sounds very believable.

Nobozarb




Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think “Baby it’s cold outside” is really weird, and we’re gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes You see, it used to get cold outside

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This has been reposted so many times it hurts

lena166

Bold of you to assume we’ll be around for 20 more years

amazingmandan

You see, people used to go outside.

Gil-Gandel

That's nonsense it'll still get cold outside. "Kids, everybody bundle up. It's a numbing 62 degrees out there."

AtheistBibleScholar

Nah, the melting polar ice caps will disrupt the ocean currents bringing warm water from the equator t the poles and stabilizing them. This will have the effect of launching a new ice age.

AlphaTangoFoxtrt




Devastating Disappointment: This Grandma Just Joined Facebook But Weirdly Seems To Know What She’s Doing So It’s Not Funny In The Least (8/12/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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And /r/oldpeoplefacebook wept, for there were no posts for karma

heavyLobster

Thank you, The Onion, very cool!

neptunesbutthole

What a surprise, a clickhole article that isn’t funny

Frankalicious47




An elderly man walked into a waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?” “There’s something wrong with my fucking dick”, he replied. (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.” The man replied, “You shouldn’t bloody hell ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?” “There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?” “I can’t fucking piss out of it,” he replied.

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I carve wood, the stuff that grows in trees kind. Once I got a 5 cm chisel slip and land across my wrist. I was wearing a sweater and when I lifted the chisel I didn’t see any blood seeping through so I thought I was alright. I pulled up my sleeve to count my blessings to be greeted by a hole showing the inner workings of my arm and happy squirts of blood jumping into the air. Stunned just as much by the gaping hole in my arm and the lack there of in my sweater, I quickly pressed the veins close and told my then wife to drive me to the ER. I got to the ER and went to the desk to report my emergency. I told her I needed a doctor right now. The nurse, without looking up, told me to sit down and that some one will see soon. I raised over her desk and held my wrist in front of her face to show how the things in the hole moved as I opened my fist and asked her to please call a doctor. I was in a room within the minute and the doctor, thinking it was a minor cut, asked me to let go with my other arm (still pressing the veins closed). As I did he looked and said “Oh this isn’t so bahhheheeee...” when the blood started spraying al over the place. On the bed, the floor, but on the doctor mostly and a few drops on the nurse and my self. It was a hoot.

Poh_Lahr_Bare

God I hate when receptionists ask this.

TheSexyDuckling

you could leave the swearing out and it'd be better. In fact, it sounds like the guy's fucking dick is doing OK. It's his pissing dick that's on the fritz

greatatdrinking

Bitch keeps making the same mistake.

Lovat69

When the title alone makes me laugh, I know I'm in good hands.

Blutarg




4 people go on vacation together. (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes One of them speaks English, another speaks French, the third speaks Spanish , and the last speaks German. They see a crowd gathering in the street and go over to see what’s going on. There is a performer in the middle of the crowd. He notices that the four are struggling to see him so he stands on a box. He asks them “ can you guys see me all right?” And they reply in turn “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.

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I didn't get it. Could someone explain? (Not an English native speaker if this helps)

absel97

Jajaja

sabs1990

GODDAMMIT YOU MOTHERFU........... *Deep breath* take this up vote and get the hell out

IveNoWIlly

I hate you so much

Keighlon

Sorry but this one I have to steal.

J_OKE_R




Homie: Can you do an “s” in Morse Code? (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes Me: ...

Show Top Comments

You get a chuckle and an upvote

actually-dehrk

This joke doesn't translate very well in person

erohwnz

This made me snort louder than it should have

Monochromepigeon

How about 'O' in Russian? Da Da Da

RogerGodzilla99

---

audiodude9




The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes I want a divorce straight away!" And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Show Top Comments

Long but worth it.

Mark_Twayne

If you’re going to repost, at least add some line breaks.

Jdaesroenk

Love it absolutely love it and so true in so many ways

quagmire12345678

Mom said it's my turn to repost it.

readredread109

This joke is so old and tired it watches I Love Lucy all day while eating pudding with Irma.

Rokkit_man




Postal Service Releases Stamp With Anus On It To See If Anyone Cares What’s On Stamps Anymore (8/15/2019) ~ The Onion

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There was a misprint with with a spot of shit they didn't wipe. It had a circulation of approximately 500k before the Post Office caught it and it is going to become a great collector's item

marias-gaslamp

I wish this true. I wonder how many people will eat the onion on this one!

hard_ice_cream

I'm just glad we don't still have to lick stamps.

Jellodyne

E Pluribus Anus

cocksucksdeluxe

“... the new stamp would be the first of several to feature hand-painted, photorealistic depictions of the puckered orifice. “Our plan is to find out by issuing a succession of increasingly graphic anus stamps over the course of the next year, from commemorative illustrations of the anuses of U.S. presidents to a ‘Sphincters in Space’ series honoring the bravery, and anuses, of America’s astronauts. If there’s an outcry, that’s fine, because then we’ll have confirmed people are still paying attention. Either way, there will be hairy assholes on all of your stamps from now on.”

BlasphemousToenail




I just read a book called “how to survive falling down a staircase” (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes Yeah it's a step by step guide

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"A step by step guide for surviving domestic violence." Gah. That's dark.

SanityContagion

Step 1... Step 2... Step 4... Step 8... Step 13.... Step 19....

NSSgamingFTW

You have to stick the landing.

perthbloke

I have a pamphlet on how to fall from stairs. It goes something like - step one; - step two; - step five; - step eleven;

Trudar

By Michael Peterson? I heard it didn't help his first two wives

godimwitty1




Like Boxes Of Shit In Your House? Get A Cat (8/16/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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1998, a true classic.

a1studmuffin

Like the warming sensation that only a handful of shit can provide? Get a dog.

furtive

Lol no body content, just a title and photo. This is great.

Aznable420

The cat in the thumbnail is saying 'yea, I just shit in your house. What are you going to do about it?'

core_al




An old lady goes to the doctor. (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes She mentions that no matter what, when she farts, they are always silent and don't smell. To illustrate her point she lets one go. Old lady: see doctor it was silent and I don't smell anything. Doctor: I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back in a week and see how you are progressing. One week later the old lady comes back. Old lady: I don't know what you gave me doc, but now my farts smell horrible! Doctor: great! Now that we fixed your sinuses, we can work on your hearing.

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oh man I had heard this before long ago but had forgotten about it. This actually made me belly laugh.

JagedNS

Why would she go to the doctor for silent not-bad-smelling farts?

steamyglory

Great fart joke, I'll tell this one to the whole kindergarten tomorrow

Taaxxii

WHAT?

aplundell

The joke is older than the lady

gagga_hai




There are 3 unwritten rules in life.. (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes 1. 2. 3.

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I live by 2 rules. 1. Never let anyone know my next move 2.

maniakb416

I exhaled air out if my nose at a faster rate than usual. Heres an arrow.

SalonQualityHa1r

Thats not bad heres my upvote

anbura

r/angryupvote

No_Reason27

My Three Rules: 1) Never play poker with anyone named after a city. 2) Always drink upstream of the herd & 3) Never stick your dick in crazy.

MeGrendel




Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’ So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of the piece. After he finished, Mom was like ‘did you just eat that pie from the fridge?’ And he was like yeah and she was like ‘that was the piece OP had eaten off of. You’re gonna get sick’ AND HE GOES ‘Well instead of mono now we’ll be a duo’ WITHOUT HESITATING. CHAMPION!

Show Top Comments

I feel like your Dad purposely put himself at risk of contracting mono, just so he could tell that joke.

TheOleRedditAsshole

Yessssss

Derangedsniper

Damn now if that’s not a dad joke I don’t know what is.

SupDog94

Did he get sick?

SirFireball

Can i join for a trio?

gunship95




When I’m in front of Hispanic people I say “mucho” (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes It means a lot to them

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This made me laugh a lot more than I expected.

Dream_Now

it really good joke tbh

G48732

Good Juan

MDan25

They say "Green Go" and I realize I haven't been watching the light.

Mcstyls

A man is at a funeral. He leans forward in his pew and asks the widow if he could go up and say a word. "That would be lovely" she responds. The man goes up to the podium, clears his throat and says "plethora". Walks always and takes his place back at the Pew. The widows turns to him and says "Thank you. That means a lot".

oz_caution




Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people. (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes Working in customer service already did that.

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I thought I was in r/jokes, not r/reallife

Neoarashi

This is not a joke this is something you’d say humorously in passing conversation and get a polite snicker in response.

InitialResponse

(Or in retail generally)

y3rnaux

With all the customer horror stories I’ve heard, I can agree. The solution is simple: ban all Karen’s (and whatever Male Karens are called) from going out into public places. If they want to ruin the fun for everyone, then they can do it in their own homes!

Knight-Creep

waiting on the public in various jobs did it for me

HumphryClinker




how to get more karma on reddit (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes shit this isnt google

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It was good! And original! Excellent job!

SalbaheJim

Ya got me!

busterlungs

And here I was, about to down vote you just to prove you wrong, and you pull a hoax like that? UPVOTE 4 U!

SalbaheJim

Repost reposts frequently in r/Jokes !

Tulmara

Well can't upvote this till I know the answer Google gave you.

Scrambled_Rambler




J_ffr_y _pst_in (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes Anyone wanna play hang man?

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Can I have an e?

notaedivad

Good one.

buffalo_chum

Omg. This is great! Very clever. Ari_ l Castro

joebaby1975

I dont get it : (

JackHyper

I’ll take “conspiracy” for 10?

KNizzzz




I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer. (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese? I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

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A man is sitting at a bar and an Asian looking fella sits down next to him and takes a sip of beer. The man turns to him and asks his name. The Asian looking fella replies "It's Chan." The man punches the Asian looking fella in the face and shouts "THAT'S FOR PEARL HARBOR!" The Asian looking fella shouts back "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese, you idiot!" The man states "Japanese, Chinese, same thing." The Asian looking fella asks "Oh yeah, what's your name?" The man replies "It's Goldberg." The Asian looking fella punches the man in the face and shouts "THAT'S FOR THE TITANIC!" The man looks confused. "Iceberg, Goldberg, same thing!"

coffee_pigeon

They had us in the first half, I’m not gonna lie.

indomee420




Efficiency Win! The Dalai Lama Has Announced That His Dentist’s 30-Year-Old Son Is The Reincarnation of Him And Should Just Take Over As Dalai Lama After He Dies (8/14/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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I don’t want to be *that guy* but doesn’t the Dalai Lama have to go searching for the reincarnation of the guy that will then go searching for him once he dies and so on and so forth

TheArrivedHussars




Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water. (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

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Ha! Hippo on a bicycle.

SuzyLouWhoo

The hippo got disqualified for eating the bicycle.

jimb2

Thought this was a fun fact at first. Not disappointed though.

Access_Denied316

So don’t buy your mom a bike?

Leftygoleft999

You mean in the bicycle hipoportion?

JukePlz




How do I know China has Free Speech? (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes No one says otherwise.

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**OTHERWISE**

Aberdolf-Linkler

They say that America has freedom of speech, because you can stand on the sidewalk and say, "I don't think Trump is doing a good job running the country!" And you will not be arrested. It's the same in China; you can stand on the sidewalk, say "I don't think Trump is doing a good job running the country!" And you still will not be arrested.

darthbob88

Much more of that from you, and you’ll never have happened

Texan209

Contrary to what everyone thinks, there is freedom of speech in China. Freedom *after* speech, however ....

borazine

𝓊𝓃𝓁𝑒𝓈𝓈...

aratnagrid




I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…” (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes – and then it hit me.

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A comma in a sentence can change everyting...

lookinmymirror

LOL I laughed so hard. 10/10

KawaiiTime

That's one hell of a Hen.

RayInRed

I dont get it? :'(

SmashingApple

I'm totally flabbergasted - could it be that this is not a repost??? Very well done in any case.

Veetupeetu




Woman: “When will I meet my soulmate?” (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes Chiromancer: "Never." Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm." Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

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Savagely sad

abejitamaya660

Eggs Dee

ENHAZ3D

I didn't know the word chiromancer until now. Thank you.

atowntommy

Woman "When will I meet my soulmate?" Prince (holding up glass slipper) when will you learn to stop trusting Microsoft spellcheck and learn how to spell "sole"?

digitalequipment

“That will be $15,99”

nerfchips




Can a ninja throw a star? (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes SHUR-HE-CAN

Show Top Comments

# GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND

GrandmasterBow

Ryu: Can I block it? Ken: Sure-you-can!

ZenMonkey47

Take my shonen upvote

Draxoli

I can't believe there isn't a shoryuken upvote gif. I'm not mad, just disappointed...

fibojoly

Can this joke be reposted more? Shuritken.

denisucuuu




What’s the difference between a woman and a computer? (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes A computer doesn't laugh at a 3.5" floppy.

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I feel like this joke is personal...

Johnny_McAwesome

OP is able to turn on a computer.

tokeaphatty

I expected the old "you can punch information into a computer" punchline.

SigmaTheDJ

Depends if you are a grower or a show'r

murdacai999

What is she into, Horses? A 3.5 inch floppy is simply in sleep mode

IHaveFoodOnMyChin




A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot. (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes Pun in, ten dead.

Show Top Comments

Just saw this on r/dadjokes

SigmaLord

I hate you.

zeus6793

Took me a second

YeetLitDabFam

I once tried to enter a contest where you submit as many puns as you want and the best one wins. ​ Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

multi_tasking

God this is so old

jcvd61




An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown. "Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won't give you a ticket." The clown says "I don't have my equipment, it got sent ahead of me." The trooper says excitedly "I've got some flares in the back of my car." As the clown begins juggling the flares on the side of the road, a good-old boy, drunk off his ass, pulls in behind the trooper to witness the spectacle. After watching for a few minutes, the man then climbs into the back seat of the squad car. The trooper, having never seen a man arrest himself before, walks over to the man and asks "What are you doin, son?" The man says "You may as well take me to jail now, 'cause I ain't gonna pass that test."

Show Top Comments

Genuinely laughed. Good post

arlinholder

Thank you Officer for not giving me a ticket.

wackoclown

Got 'em.

trimlimdim

The guy says after seeing that I know the Pink Elephant ain't far away.

dobber1965

Winner winner, chicken dinner.

greenonetwo




A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” Mom says, “No, because the dog is in heat.” “What does that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.” (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you." Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. Dad asked, "Where is Susie?" The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is refueling her home."

Show Top Comments

I don’t get it

RedSoloCup__

I’m confused

macarani_

I am still traumatized from seeing a male dog on my sweet Jackie dog. She was crying and trying to get loose but they were stuck. This was 50 years ago and I am still scared. ive always got my dogs fixed because no one deserves to be treated like that.

Granny_knows_best

Would be funier to say the other dog was "refueling" her instead of pushing her home.

JukePlz

ohh thanks lol I never grew up with dogs so I’m small brain with that stuff

macarani_




The sex system (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me, if u wanna have sex reach over and tug my penis one time, if not just reach over and tug my penis 276 times"

Show Top Comments

I will do some research and get back to you on this.

sknutson97

Oddly specific. I think OP has been counting.

theservman

My 2nd post but my first updoots! Thanks gang!

scrollholio

This is so close to boomer humour town I can hear someone bitching about smartphones.

TroubleTheMerlin

Funny have an upvote

painzerkampf




What’s black, white and red all over? (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes The slowest zebra in a herd

Show Top Comments

Penguin in a blender.

Corteran

To avoid the nasty 'read' pun, a *communist* newspaper.

MintyMissterious

Happy cake day, you win the internet.

Odysseus556

Pregnant nun

Abiknits

Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.

Belstain




I refused to believe that my road working father was stealing from the job. (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes But when I got home all the signs were there.

Show Top Comments

Did you tell him that was the 'Wrong Way'?

mosthavekiddo

Did your mom tell him to hit the road? While Ace of Base was playing in the background!

MrFixItNC

Well yeah I sure hope it does

bloody-_-mary

he just needs to STOP.

IrrelevantGibberish2

It is in fact the wrong way to yeild to temptation. One way to make a right turn towards progress would be to get him to stop

MyUsualName




The husband leans over and asks his wife “Do you remember the first time we had sex? […]” (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago..? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes" she says, "I remember it well." "Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake..?" "Oh Jim, you Dirty Old Devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" she replies with excitement in her voice. A Police Officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks "I've just got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on to each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The Policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Please excuse me, but that was something. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an Electric Fence."

Show Top Comments

General Reposti

SoleBinary

Had myself a little chuckle at the end

yurei_akiko

This is a repost. Saw the exact same post here ~1 month ago.

Commentboye

“I remember the first time I had sex. Still have the receipt.” -Groucho Marx

magicaleb

why is this comment section so toxic?

EndMeNowPlease_




For a lion to become a cannibal (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes He must first swallow his pride

Show Top Comments

fuckin clever

new_account_bch

Roaring good joke

Vancitymk

r/canniballion

budgethuman

r/vore_irl

moe_lester_69420

It's the mane course of the evening.

_Sharkku_




Three Russian men are talking in the Gulag. (8/11/2019) ~ Jokes One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

Show Top Comments

A guard walks up to a prisoner in the Gulag and asks, "What is your sentence?" The prisoner replies, "Twenty-five years, sir." "What did you do?" "Nothing." "You are a liar! The sentence for doing nothing is ten years."

Cheeseburger23

Capitalism and Communism are complete opposites. In Communism, man robs man In Capitalism, it's the other way around

Iseethetrain

My gradnad would have liked this kind of jokes

Reasonable_Twist




Cautious Browns Fan Not Expecting Team To Do Better Than 13-3 (8/16/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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Shouldn't expect them to go better than 3-13 honestly. Or are we all just going to ignore the fact that they are the browns.

robaganoosh83




Pirate walks into the bar… (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!!" "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained,"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap." "It was my first day with the hook."

Show Top Comments

“And what about the steering wheel coming out of your pants” “Arrr it’s driving me nuts”

graysonking510

Jesus I heard this joke when I was like 4.

I_Only_Eat_Tacos

Heard Joe Walsh do this one at a concert in 1990.

Scruff63




DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack (8/15/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

Show Top Comments

Obviously fake, police would've shot him before arresting him

BlueLanternCorps

Yeah, but when it turns out he's actually a werebear, you'll be sorry.

Azes13

I guess we’ll never truly know who assaulted the bear 🙁

BigRedCowboy

For a second thought this was r/unresolvedmysteries, and then I thought it was r/nottheonion, and then finally realized that it is in fact, r/theonion

MAGICALFLYINUHH




Epstein Associates Distance Selves By Insisting They Hadn’t Used His Child Sex Trafficking Ring In Years (8/12/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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To my surprise, my girlfriend had some anal bleaching done. (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes All I asked was for her to change her ringtone.

Show Top Comments

I don't get it

BelCifer-Z

r/AngryUpvote

GoodJobNL

Get out

nosinine

Somebody, please give this person some coin!

SnarkofVulcan

W ( _ o _ ) W

KnightB3ar




King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover. (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes "But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin. "Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!" The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chastity belt with a hole cut through the fabric over the vagina. In the hole of the fabric was an invisible, razor-sharp spring-loaded blade. Merlin grabbed a nearby candle, stuck it into the hole, and SPROING! The blade shot out and chopped the candle clean in half. "Splendid!!!" said Arthur. Arthur went out on his quest, returned a month later, and lined up all his knights in a row. "Alright, men," he said, "Show me what you've got. Take off your breeches." Ashamed, they all took off their breeches and, to Arthur's astonishment, *every single one of his knights* was now a eunuch. Gawain, Tristan, Percival -- all just had stubs now. All except Galahad. Galahad's cock remained full and intact. With tears of gratitude, Arthur approached the young knight. "Ah, Galahad!!! Galahad the Pure!!! Let it be known that you are now the heir to my entire kingdom, to Excalibur, and to all that I have! Tell me, oh brave spirit, how were you able to resist temptation where all others had failed?" Galahad cleared his throat and said, "Well, it wathn't eathy..."

Show Top Comments

I thought it was gonna be that he did anal lol

Reddit-dotcom

Did you just steal this from the top comment of the other joke?

Osiinin

You stole this joke word for word from a comment on the organist joke.

Atomnus

Whoa! That's literally word-for-word how I told the joke just a few hours ago in this sub. What are the odds?

HarambeCantMeltSteel

I'm sorry but it needs to be said... Merlin is a *wizard,* not a magician. Magicians do tricks, wizards have actual magic.

GeniusMike




My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal. (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.

Show Top Comments

The Thai one who came in second probably didn't get the silver medal as well.

swordtailsg

Nice.

SmokanaganGiftShop

I thought it would be “Ty - oh, silver.”

MisterBigDude

Maybe because it was a Ty

atheros98

That is a good one

medic6560




A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder. (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?” Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”

Show Top Comments

I don't know what's funnier...the joke or the twenty some upvotes already with no comments.

411inthe412

It’s like this other joke I read years before: a guy walked into a bar with a toad on his head. Bartender said “what’s with the toad?” Toad said: I don’t know. It started as a wart on my arse!

ButtmanTheHero

Parrot says: the dick, comes with the black guy

Anthonym213

Whenever I tell a racist joke I always remind people that I have black people in my family tree. I haven't checked in a while but I believe they are still hanging there.

Zanydrop

Ya got this from an r/GoCommitDie post didn’t ya?

thejunkyardrat




I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes It means a lot to them

Show Top Comments

Jejeje.

duck_duck_chicken

Spanish repost

JamesSH1328

Tickled my dad bone, not gonna lie.

sutroheights

nice

Jellofluoride

Muchos gracias

_Th1nKT4nK_




High I.Q joke (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.

Show Top Comments

Nice

Ilike4play

At least he didn't ingest any hydrogen dioxide.

azlmichael

Have a thumbs up from my little giggle.

argowen

Don't get it

Pishidoc

Ha nice! For those who don't get it: Hint: Hydrogen Peroxide

candysell




a bishop walks up to a bar (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes and the bartender says ‘you can’t do that. you can only move diagonally.’

Show Top Comments

Nice

saltybluemermaid

You sank my battleship.

fuhr31

c5-f6 Bg4- your turn

Lebooshki

No

PrathamAwesome

Checkmate.

Draxoli




A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey (8/12/2019) ~ Jokes The brothel keeper asks how she could help him. He replies "I need a woman, because mine has left me." Brothel Keeper: Why? Also what's with the honeycomb and the donkey? Dwarf: My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first she asked for a home fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb. The second, she asked for the nicest ass in all of the seven kingdoms, so he gave her this lovely donkey... Brothel Keeper: What's the third wish? Dwarf: She asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knees. Brothel Keeper: Wow that's not so bad Dwarf: Not so bad? I used to be 6 foot 3! Source: Tyrion Lannister

Show Top Comments

He never got to finish his joke, the ppor man 🙁

jitse9

I remember when I heard the start of this jokes Gods I was young then!

-Mr_Burns

Ha

KYPHAGXpX

I always wondered how that ended. Thank you!!

AnyRandomRedditor

Is this the actual joke from got or did you create it?

cheesezcheese




A Policeman stops an old women carrying 2 sacks. (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

Show Top Comments

I feel bad for the deaf guy tho

pilot-777

Is that the bag of dicks I was told to suck?

Nerve33

For $10, you get a circumcision

wealth_king

Is it bad the next post was about the new deaf emojis ??

g_nathan59

Ahh.my penis.it hurts now

InfernoDragonKing




A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes “Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?” “Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read. Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a better lives. Impressed, they called for the AI’s assistance again and asked “how do we create world peace?” “Calculating” said the AI and same as before printed a sheet of paper. Leaders applied the writings, and in a month all wars and conflicts stopped. Everybody hates guns now and the world is full of love. On the next UN gathering, curious about the purpose of life, they asked the AI “is there a God?” “Calculating” said the AI. This time though it didn’t give a response immediately. In fact it took a whole day of processing before finally printing out a paper saying “insufficient resources, need more for the computation” “Ok we’ll help out!” Said the leaders of america. And they provided the AI with all of the advanced tech America can offer. They asked the question again. “Calculating” responded the AI. But still, it responded “insufficient resources. Still need more for computation” “Ok we’ll also pitch in!” Said the other leaders of the world. Providing their tech and networks to the AI. After the upgrade, the world leaders asked again to the AI “is there a God?” The AI responded “There is one now”

Show Top Comments

Makes me think of "The Last Question" by Isaac Asimov.

DankCatDingo

Omg as I'm reading this my suspense just grows and grows until the end XD

UnclearInsincere

Congratulations, you played yourself

Habibiman

I have no mouth and I must scream.

SumaniPardia

42.

mr78rpm




I’ll never date an apostrophe… (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes The last one was too possessive.

Show Top Comments

How'd I make it though enough English classes to minor in it and not hear this? Have my upvote

FucksOnFirstDate

I thought it would be something like "there is no point".

Alexander556

It's not that possessive.

DennisNedrey

Try dating an "it's." Not possessive at all, though people often mistake them for the possessive type. Sort of like bulldogs. Misjudged and misunderstood.

symmetrical_kettle

and when you have a baby with one you get a contraction!

zaneypal




I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes! (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home in Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things really strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

Show Top Comments

Perfect groan material right here. But I love puns and Soviet mix-ups so up you go!

SeriouSennaw

Ah. Good one

ClaybourneTSB

“Fruity drink from a bowl”

antisblij

Lol. Brilliant.

smilingbuddhauk

I don’t get it... sorry

memoryfailure




One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. ” And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident” As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!" All at once time stood still. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Why do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a believer now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a believer?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty , Amen."

Show Top Comments

And so, as the atheist died his soul was transported to the gates of hell. He was surrounded by other dead- thieves and murdereres but also children and even babies. They all awaited torment for millions upon millions of years. He asked the keepers of the gates: Am I here because of my lack of belief? Was it the adultery? Maybe because I ate seafood? Why are the babies here? No, the keepers replied. The true religion is actually an obscure tribal jungle-faith from central afrika. The babies were sadly christian. Very sad. But that's so unfair! the man exclaimed. Well, maybe you should have got the hint that the gods aren't fair when you were eaten by a talking christian bear for not believing in the sun god. This is unbearable! The atheist cried, oblivious to the fact that his body had proven very bearable indeed. *And so they were all repeatedly impaled on spikes and shown reposts from /r/jokes for all eternity*

Sorted

beliebear

leekmoybowls

Grandma get off Reddit.

BigPandaVet

"cheap trick God. Go to hell."

Skattotter

But before the bear can kill him, the man reminds the bear: "Thou shalt not kill."

GeniusMike




How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is? (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes GIVE IT A WEIGH, GIVE IT A WEIGH, GIVE IT A WEIGH NOW

Show Top Comments

It seems like people Can’t Stop reposting this. Sometimes I like going on the Otherside of Reddit for some original damn content. Why don’t you go crawl Under the Bridge. By the Way, you should really Suck My Kiss or I’ll give you some Scar Tissue to think about. Don’t Forget Me

pattyfrankz

Time to Flea this thread

Leftygoleft999

U right

PMANIMATIONS

I laughed way too hard at this.

aafusc2988

And if that doesn't work give it away.

hacklinuxwithbeer




Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs. (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes Customs officer: Occupation? Putin: No, just visiting.

Show Top Comments

Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs. Customs officer: Occupation? Putin: No it’s an home grown rebellion in no way aided by the Russian military.

TheRandomRGU

lmao its great joke would you mind if we meet at your place, so we can discuss this joke further

ariadeneva

Nice

hungryboi123

Classic joke.

ouch-hangover




Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife . And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead . You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving. But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face..

Show Top Comments

Anthony Jeselnick joke. Nice

wattson86

Plot twist... she’s not really dead

DenverTheLast

Reminds me of the time my bitch aunt told my grandmother her husband was dead when she asked where he would be when she moved to the nursing home. Dementia is a cunt and so are you Michelle.

Thatisanicedog

Plot twist I DID NOT see coming.

crqzybot

You must have forgotten that you wrote the opening line in the fucking title.

MCG_1017




They say “masturbation is better with a dead arm”. (8/15/2019) ~ Jokes Apparently I ruined that funeral.

Show Top Comments

**Kira Yoshikage would like to know your location**

Keetongu666

"I call it 'The Stranger'. See, I sit on my hands for 15 minutes, then I rub one out." - Tumbler (Gone in 60 Seconds)

MaarekStele7

Who the fuck says that?

DontNegateThePremise

Learning something new everyday. Time to try it out.

Danx94

The key to doing this right is to set it up before rigor sets in. That way, you can match your width to the hand as it gets stiff. Pro tip: if it’s a midget, set it up for both hands

travelincheewah




Hiroshima (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes Edit: Wow this blew up!

Show Top Comments

Hiroshima jokes are usually a huge bomb when told in the presence of Japanese people.

tomlawrance

Lmao ok I'll give you it

fearlessplays

Its so hot... wait why there are two suns?

bublemen

Carp

Semshin

Happy cake day! Have an upvote you scallywag

aBurgerFlippinSecond




It’s been a bit of a strange day… (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes First I found a hat full of money... Then I got chased down the road by an angry man with a guitar?

Show Top Comments

Best I have seen on here today, Take my up-vote, but do not take my hat again:

Buddy2269

This is all 31 flavors of Busking Robbings.

Dudephish

Why is it a question at the end, shouldn't it be "then I got chased down the street by an angry man with a guitar!"

Capriano

That’s rough man

ChildrenWatcher




I got banned from the local laser tag arena recently (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes I guess the staff wasn’t happy when I started using my knife to save on ammunition

Show Top Comments

Love it. Here’s my upvote

dereeses_piecess

First round is always knife round. They should know that.

Ornamo

Laser blade

Fragurkrak

Lmao trench mace mode

Salmonfish23

not funny

combonickel55




Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job? (8/14/2019) ~ Jokes She couldn't control her pupils.

Show Top Comments

I just got home from a shit-tastic day at work, and this stupidly funny joke made me laugh out loud. I needed that. Thanks!

Snapplejacks2112

Especially, Iris.

CrediblyHandsome

I didn't [clearly] see that coming

rochameist

That's a 10. BOYS, WE HAVE A 10.

molehillmilk

Guess she and the entire school couldn't see eye-to-eye

optimisdiq




Old onion vid (8/11/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

Show Top Comments

Awful title

tucan_93

The Onion YouTube channel has really gone downhill these past few years. I miss the days of Today Now! and In the Know.

Nobozarb

That fuck you too was perfect

holy-fugghl

Brilliant prediction of today

Martholomeow




If being sexy is a crime , (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes Then I am a law abiding citizen .

Show Top Comments

If sexy being crime than am arrest

DesBBb

I was going to downvote because i felt attacked but it did make me laugh so heres an upvote 🙂

Krasior

Denying the antecedent is a crime.

Mercento

Only if you know it, is.

sudowpa2

Beautiful crime !!!!!!! Everyone die with this crime

bestprivatedetective




Why is rabbit sex so quiet? (8/13/2019) ~ Jokes Cotton Balls.

Show Top Comments

It's not that quiet when I fuck rabbits

Jayward101

One day a little fluffy bunny and big gruff bear were squatting in the woods taking a dump, when the big gruff bear said to the fluffy bunny- "When you take a dump, does the crap stick to your fur?" To which the little fluffy bunny replied- "No bear, the crap never sticks to my fur" Upon hearing this answer the big gruff bear said- "that's good to hear" then he reached out, grabbed the little fluffy bunny in one big paw, and wiped his arse with him!

starkboi67

fuck off

EeliAsser

Ummmm... cotton comes from a plant. WTF you talkin bout Willis?

PowerfulBonus




I met an older woman at a bar last night. (8/16/2019) ~ Jokes She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact she wasn't bad at all! I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I'd ever had a "Sportsmans Double". "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she replied. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't". We drank a bit more and she said with a wink "tonight's your lucky night!". We went back back to her place. We walked in and she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mom, you still awake?"

Show Top Comments

Blowjob without teeth feels just like vag sex

gaenji

Sometimes being a Sportsman comes with a sacrifice.

redditslim

Read lit like Howard Wolowitz's mom

Draxoli

Sometimes the jokes are awful but this one got a real hard chuckle.

muffinlover0510

This "Sportsmans Double" requires a different kind of pray.

i_notold