The new sex position is called Brexit: (12/8/2019) ~ Jokes It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

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I tried that move and ended up with a child, 18 years ago!


My cat's called Brexit. It meows loudly to be let out each morning, but then refuses to go outside when I open the door.


It depends on your Johnson...


Explains why Boris has so many kids


More of a finishing move than a position. But good joke


We’re in Trouble (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes The population of this country is 327 million. 76 million are retired. That leaves 251 million to do the work.  There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled. Which leaves 203 million to do the work There are 74 million children younger than 6 Which leaves 129 million to do the work There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school. Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work. At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military. Leaving 14.8 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East. Which leaves 12 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.  At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.  That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice.

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hah, jokes on you, im one of those in prison


I admit. You got me.


Sounds like you and I need to get to work making more people


Yeah, but I'm your manager and this is going in your file.


Some of the stuff I learned from this: 1. No child, young adult or retired person is neither permanently disabled nor hospitalised. 2. Government employees don’t take vacations. 3. No permanently disabled person works for the government, nor are they imprisoned.


Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

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This was actually the second time the couple tried prostitution. The first time she came back by herself after a long night and put $50.25 on the table. The husband commented that it was a descent start and asked who paid with a quarter. She replied, “everyone.”


It’s tagged ‘long’ for a reason and it’s not the joke


Huge what??! Don't leave us in suspense dude.


Don’t know why, but I read this whole post thinking it said Harry Potter and that Ginny was looking for some money.


I came around the corner. Paid my $100 and before we started she gave me 80 back


How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch? (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes Pay him for the pizza.

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Very similar to this oldy: The engineering major asks "*How does it work*?" The business major asks "*How much will it cost?*" The *liberal arts* major *asks* "*Do you want fries with that*?".


Hey, my dad was a philosophy PhD, and this is completely out of line! You needed to tell him you already had life insurance.


But how can he ever get off your porch if he must first travel half way there?


I expected “you Kant”


I ran into a fellow philosophy student last week. As a professional courtesy, I went ahead and ordered the fries.


What type of elf is the rudest? (12/14/2019) ~ Jokes A go fuck yourself

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OP must be a South Pole Elf.




Rude-elf, the red nosed reindeer


Just told this to my friends but pronounced it quick and left out the "elf" Me: "gahfukyers" Them: um... what? Me: you know a gahfukyers... Them: I dont get it Me: Gahfukyers elf


Hello?.... I want to report a hate crime


In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes It means a lot to them

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Overdone. Remind me of the time i was at a funeral and and gave a speech. "Plethora" The widow thanked me. she said it meant a lot.


muchas gracias


I also recommend putting an “o” on the end of any English verbs and nouns when speaking to those friends.


I laughed way too hard at this


I dated a girl who played tennis. I told her “I think this is love”. It meant nothing to her.


What else could he say?? (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."

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what isnt said is that mom is in a wheelchair


Johnny’s mom’s got some serious thigh gap...


I enjoyed the joke; but I love that it’s transcribed with care, and all the punctuation is as it should be. Too many people post jokes without any attention to that whatsoever.




True story: when my daughter was 5 she saw a stud horse in the pasture. He was in full hang down mode and she asked me “Dad, what’s that between the horse’s legs?” I was a little flustered but I simply told her, “That’s a boy horse and those are his boy parts.” She replies “Your a boy, do you have those parts too?” “Yes I do.” Fast forward a few hours. We are sitting on the porch with My in-laws and she, being a typical 5 yr old comes out and says “Papa we saw a horse today. He was awesome!” “Oh really sweetheart, that’s nice.” “Yeah, he was a boy horse and he has boy parts just like my Dad!” My father-in-law looks me dead in the eye and says “Your father wishes.”


Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.

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I'm looking forward to 2020.


This is why I always click on the joke, even if I think it's a repost. Well played.


This one I like much more.


I am out of the loop - what is the reposted punchline?


We can all hope for that... but we all know damn well that aint gonna happen


Tinder is the opposite of porn ads…. (12/8/2019) ~ Jokes There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

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My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home... Guess she’s homeless.


Nah most of them are fake too


Please click on this porn ads... I can't keep fucking all the hot single mom's near my location myself, I'm dying over here! Edit: Thanks for the silver, much appreciated!


Sounds more like a /r/showerthought


The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool. I wish tinder had it too.


Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849? (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes Because there was gold in them/their hills.

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Struggled for quite a bit trying to figure out how 1’s and 0’s had anything to do with this.


It makes perfect sense in Ukrainian to say "that there thing there." Which means, the hammer on the table.


Is this OC? Because it's great


Because there were many pans


Haha finally a joke about LGBT in this sub that isn't homophobic


What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot? (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes 632 Hallmark movies.

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Hallmark movies plot: Girl: This job is hard. Boy: I'm a dick. Girl: You're a dick. Boy: I'll change, I'll help you. Girl: You're not a dick. (And they live happily ever after)


My relative watches these with the volume on 80. I go there to watch a football game and leave knowing why a fictional marriage broke up because of money but came back together just because it started to snow


I love this way more than I should.


Let's see, city, small town, castle...what's the other location?


Hallmark movies are essentially emotional pornography: Same canned story lines with the same actors culminating in a ‘love shot’ instead of a ‘cum shot.’


PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34 (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes **ME:** I can’t afford that **PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way. **ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. **PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

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Pizza guy: that’s a pretty small tip Me: you got a bigger one? Pizza guy: invest in index funds


People should make anti-porn. There will be set up but no pay off. Like plumber will fix the sink and go.


When I was delivering pizzas, porn greatly exaggerated the number of times I would be met by half naked women looking for sex. It only happened two, three times a week, tops.


I like this one


"You want to bang me for the $3.66 I'm short? That would make me a whore" "No, that would make your a cheap whore"


My wisdom will kill me one day (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off seven times on the way home. Edit => Wow , thanks for all the upvotes. However, I feel bad, as it is not my own joke Edit => Thanks for suggestions for making the punch line shorter. The line I removed was “Imagine what would have happened to the bottle!“. Again not my joke, but I also don’t know the author. Can someone tell me the author?

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Please, don't make me imagine that tragedy.


I had my last bottle fall out of my Frieza and smash on the floor.


Wait... Did you eat the bottle? I thought that was your real concern.


Why does this read like a forwarded "funny" work email from 1995?


Presence of mind.


I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children. (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0

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This joke is killer


"Four pox, three pox, two pox, one, you're pox, he's pox, no pox, none."


Antivax is cheaper than condoms.


these jokes will never get old, like unvaccinated kids


I prefer the term "plague enthusiast."


Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was. (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.

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Love seeing this come up every single year /s


I don't get it, why would she say fuck you?


Today at the gym I asked a guy what his New Year's resolution was. He said "Fuck you." I am straight. Terrified now for 2020. 🤣




Love seeing these same comments every day/s


[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes They just want to dye. (My first oc please don’t hurt me)

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Curl up and dye, in fact.


Pretty decent joke, but what I really liked was "please don't hurt me".


I don't know, does this joke really make the cut?


A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Delta?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?


That's actually pretty good lol


I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian. (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

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Can't believe you broke up with someone over dyslexia you monster


I don't care you came from Iran, doesn't bother me in the slightest.


I literally saw this joke in comic form on r/boomershumour


People change.


I think this joke is funny, but I have to be honest that in today's world, we should be thinking about this. If you love a woman and you found out she was post op, would you really leave her? I think that if I loved a woman and I found out she had a penis, I'd still love her if I loved her before. Don't know for sure though.


I need a raise. (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

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Bills motherfucker, do you speak it?


Ahh, everyone's favorite. The Mortgage Company. Only the highest quality mortgages on offer.


"Glad you asked sir, apparently my kids can't eat cardboard."


You could have just stopped at „I will give you that raise“




It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes The difference is staggering.

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Goddamn... Orright, here you go.


The number of reposts of this joke is staggering


That's because your not as think as yer drunk


I had to rush into my bathroom to tell my wife that while she is trying to pee. She’s no longer “trying”!




To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

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Twist, he owns that franchise and bought it with all the money he took from you.


I don't know why people have this fantasy that schoolyard bullies grow up to be unsuccessful as adults. A lot of times that A-type fuck-the-little-guys mentality is closely tied to successful high-paying careers. Nature's goal-chasers.


Godammit take my orange arrow already


Must've had a degree for liberal arts


True story. The guy who used to bully me became a surgeon, and got caught for such egotistical abuse of power he made national headlines. Didn't surprise me in the least.


On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know? (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes I need to borrow some chairs

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Sure man. Come take the only chair I have.


He had me in the first half not gonna lie


Actually, if I could borrow a couple of pots and pans too...


For those that didn't understand. He wants extra chairs to climb on top to place a robe on the ceiling and then hang himself.


You could lend mine but I need it to get into the rafters first


A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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So the cop has been watching him jerk off silently for 5 min before saying anything?


I hope the orgasm was as intense as his focus


It wasn't the breaks. It was a car jacking


His axle is also busted.


Oh I do this everyday, minus the sex


A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am. (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"

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*air coming through my nose*


"Can I get a push?" "Sure" *Pushes him down and shuts the door*


I don't get it what


Push me to the edge all my brain cells are dead


Not gonna lie at first I thought he was asking to be pushed over lol.


A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

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Oh for fuck’s sake...


I want to laugh, but I'm still stuck on the logistics of how a car wreck at 200 mph throwing a person from the vehicle would leave any survivors.


Heard this as an Ole and Lena joke when i was a kid 35 years ago Classic


Physics has left the room


Pubes? In 2019?


Believing in 12.5% of the Bible (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes Makes you an eighth thiest.

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The math checks out. Source: I'm Asian


There is no longer a line between /r/jokes and /r/puns


Was going to upvote but it was at 666


One might also say you just believe ONE BIT of the Bible.




My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen. (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes Shit....wrong thread.

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That was needless.


Wow! This joke isnt what it seams!


Had me in stitches.


That joke was sew bad.


My instructor said I was sew sew


How much does it cost to buy a large singing group? (12/8/2019) ~ Jokes "you mean a choir?" Fine... How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?

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Do you know where I can get one of those jesus necklaces with the t on it That’s a cross Across from where?




A few tenors?


Of chorus


How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as a choir boy.


A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me"

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There once was a plumber from Leeds Who was plumbing a girl by the sea She said "Please stop your plumbing! There's somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."


and then he proceeded to have sex with her. when he finished the woman asked him, "whats your name ?". "Jesus" said the boy. she replied, "I should have known. This is your second coming"


Nice joke i just got an erection


Would you believe this one is at least 30 years old? I think it was the first dirty joke I learned and repeated growing up.


Her breasts are a full 38 inches? ? Huh?


One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain” (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes His wife asked, "how do you know?“ >!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

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Nice, I'm going to tell this to my girlfriend. Update: She said I'm retarded


I always like to take these little pun jokes and make them into long stories that people listen intently to, only to be disappointed by the weak payoff. Help me. Rudolph was a Viking raider. He led the men from his village on many successful raids against Saxon villagers. The locals quaked in fear when they saw the burly giant standing at the prow of his ship, long red hair flowing majestically around him....


I like the Viking version of Rudolf way more than the Communist one


You madafakka


Oh my lanta


A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother. (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin. "Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday." "Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?" "Well, he's a wonderful lover, for one. He's a really nice guy, of course. And to top it off," he says, leaning into a whisper, "*he's got a 10 inch cock!*" She blushes. "Sounds like a catch to me! Where can I find him?" "He's just a block over. But fair warning, he's also a little kooky. He's only interested in women named after flowers. If I meet someone like that, I send them his way, and then he sends me the flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose, and a week ago, I recommended a woman named Violet to him," he says, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him. The woman thanks him for the info and leaves the shop, bitter about her own name. Undeterred, she visits the well-endowed florist. She steps up to the counter and pointedly says, "I heard you are particularly...skilled in certain areas?" He smirks. "What is your name?" Pouting slightly, she replies "Kris." His smile falters, and his head sinks as he shakes his head. Kris's heart drops. "Well then...if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother." Suddenly, he brightens up again. Without another word, he takes her hand and locks the shop door. Three hours of mind-altering sex later, she bids him goodbye with a kiss. "And please," he says, "tell your mother she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like." Taken aback, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything. The next day, Kris feels like a million bucks and swings by the original florist's shop. "I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that gentleman! He was AMAZING!" He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him." "Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?" The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum." *EDIT: Just to be clear, this is 100% OC. I wrote it several months ago and have posted it a few times since then. This is a slightly tweaked version from the last one. I deleted all but the ~~most recent~~ first posting.*

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Nice punchline.


Now this is really good. I was pleasantly surprised by the punchline and didn't want to punch you in the face.


How dare you repost your own joke, don’t you know how Reddit works? I have to repost it for it to be good.


Op is actually claiming that he made this up. The joke that has been posted here dozens of times...just why?


I don’t get it :((


arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said… (12/8/2019) ~ Jokes ...I still love vista baby.

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Take your angry up vote!


Arrrggg a tumour


This joke doesn't really work because Nobody liked Vista


Fake. Nobody loves Vista


I can actually imagine Arnie telling this one himself, from what I've seen of him in interviews and stuff.


My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!

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I once met a dyslexic stripper named density


Kinda took me a minute.


Just so you know, this really fucked me up! I had go back six times because I thought my dyslexia was being a fuckin prick. Edit: Still an amazing joke, despite my numerous "What the shit" moments.


Thank Dog for your persimmon!




Professor X: what’s your super power? (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now

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Omg yes!


This is a perfect description of me


If you have telekinetic powers, raise my hand.


GRRRR, Take this upvote and leave




A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit. (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanium alloy steel. But the shield held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell apart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".

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Just like the old times


Titanium steel is worth it's weight in silver gold.


I'm Indian and r/angryupvote


Typical British!!!


I wouldve asked for the demons body.


Mariana Trench Once Agian Named Worst Place To Raise A Child (12/11/2019) ~ The Onion

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I mean, kids raised there are just under way too much pressure.


The whole article is gold, but > competition for the worst spot in the rankings was particularly fierce this year, with the Mariana Trench competing with locations as far-ranging as Mt. Everest, an industrial slaughterhouse, an iceberg drifting in the Arctic, St. Louis, and the cone of Hawaii’s Mauna Loa volcano.


I was raised there and it sucked


After playing Subnautica, I never want to be anywhere near an ocean again.


> a median household income of $000,000.00, and an unemployment rate of 100 percent If 0 people live there and 0 people are employed... It should have an employment rate of 100%


Woman Tries Reading Shampoo Bottle Directions In French First To Test If She’s Secretly Smart (12/8/2019) ~ The Onion

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I feel called out


Doucher? I dont think I'm supposed to do this with shampoo...


Her story was never found, and neither did she.


I've never felt so exposed by an Onion article.


Report reason: I'm in this picture and I don't like it


I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution (12/8/2019) ~ Jokes She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020

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I have to admit, this one took me a while.


4k. That my new years resolution, can't wait for my new telly to arrive.


You made me startle my pants. My New Years resolution is to not startle my pants now.


‘Well Spoken, My Good Fellow, But Let Me Retort,’ Says Congressman Engaged In Probing, High-Minded Debate On Facts And Merits Of Impeachment (12/13/2019) ~ The Onion

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> At press time, witnesses confirmed Jordan had nearly beaten Nadler to death with a cane after being set off by a remark impugning the honor of the president.


So since the world turned into an onion article, the onion pretends things are normal


This hurts


Absolutely no one ate the onion on this one


I needed this


New ‘Sesame Street’ Character Shudders To Life As Producers Complete Ritual To Imprison Damned Soul Within Puppet (12/12/2019) ~ The Onion

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r/bertstrips is going to have fun with this.


Damn, just beat me to it


Next they should tackle the mystery of the Red M&M. If all the other M&Ms are nuts/caramel, etc placed into a powered chocolate exoskeleton like chocolate Independence Day aliens, then what's inside Red? Is he the last of a near extinct race that attempts to maintain a facsimile of a stable population though chocolate shells? Is he solid? Or is he a disembodied horror powering a chocolate golem?


That obviously photoshopped picture is the most terrifying thing I've seen all year.


Really, the hard part is unlocking the Golemist job. Once you've got that, toy golems are the easiest to make, and Soulstone is a level-one Necromancer spell.


Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes It was a joint operation

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What a knee slapper


As long as you didn't tell them to go break a leg before the surgery...


I hate this, have an upvote.


What do you call a group effort to legalize cannabis for bone pain? A joint effort to legalize joints for joint pain




I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players… (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes The servers are currently down...

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They're probably depressed because love means nothing


What the duece?


What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish


Might be a problem with the 'net.


I don't know, this sounds like a racket to me.


I’m outta here!! (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."

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Nice work. Have not heard this one before.


Maybe there actually out of milk and he might never return.




It's been ages since I have heard this. Thanks for the throw-back!


You know that if he'd written he was going for a pack of smokes, he'd never return.....just like my Dad! Waahhh!


I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes Tenants

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This is great, but it may help if you said 'two groups of 5 ants' at the start, it would make the punchline less guessable.


A house for ants?


If one of them dies your whole joke gets shot to shit.




3 Condoms – NSFW (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes Guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. His girlfriend told him she would not have sex with him unless he first met her family and has dinner with them. Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?" Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot...lets make it two condoms." Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?" Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too." That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato. His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat. Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?" Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."

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Should have bought four condoms...


The way I heard it: They sit to dinner, bow their heads to pray. after a few moments everyone raises their heads but the young man, he continues praying. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. after 20 minutes of him praying the girl leans over and whispers "I never knew you were so religious." and he whispers back "I didn't know your father was the pharmacist."


Oh wow, I didn’t think I’d ever see this joke again after people complained about my repost of this joke XD




When my great-grandfather died I ended up with some of his books. One of 'em was a joke book from the 1920s. This joke was circled in the back of the book with the editor's comment: *Can we get rid of this old joke yet?*


My wife and I share a sense of humour (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes We have to. She doesn't have one.

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It’s not funny until everyone gets it


my wife says this joke is not funny


I don’t get it Harold!


Your wife and you are joke


Ok boomer


TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

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Today I learnt I learned


how are people still giving awards to this joke


Dude! That's rhotripnol


Repost. I know because I posted that. Eh whatever idc. It's a good joke




Learned Coworker Always Has Heard Good Things About Whatever Piece Of Media Being Discussed (12/9/2019) ~ The Onion

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Never been so brutally called out by an onion article before


A bored creative writing teacher at a small state college asked their students to write an "Onion style" article. If that were true and this was the result then, well, I'd say it was a decent attempt for a student.


A cat died and went to Heaven (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”

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Hold on, where do the mice go next?


I like this joke


Should have been the Purrly Gates. I’ll see myself out.


The real joke is that a cat made it into heaven, instead of a dog.


Bad joke. Cats don't go to Heaven. All dogs do, however...


Apologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty (12/10/2019) ~ The Onion

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That is the gift you give when someone has everything.


*Yoshikage Kira would like to know your location*


That is un Jessica Biel-eivable


My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”. (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.

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Gave me a giggle, thanks


My grandpa used to say to me ‘Rufus’ he’d say, ‘If you can’t think of anything nice to say, then fuck off you little shit’.


My grandfather used to say "fight fire with fire", he got chucked out of the fire brigade pretty early


My mate at work used to say "as one door closes, another one shuts".


I do believe your grandfather designed the cabinets in my apartment.


Report: Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time (12/11/2019) ~ The Onion

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We should’ve known when we saw the brand name on the sensor.... ICUP


I was high and paranoid enough to eat the onion this time. Dang it, streak broken.


This is what I have always maintained. That's why you want to stay as covered up as possible at the urinal.


Mass onion eating in 5, 4, 3, ...


I remember seeing a serious r/conspiracytheories post saying this


Should Animals Be Doing More For Animal Rights? (12/11/2019) ~ The Onion

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"I don't like those hermit crabs." amazing delivery on this line




“Well some people would argue with that point” gets me every time.




Absolutely This damn furies to


Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane… (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.

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The Irish pilot puts the plane on autopilot to go high-five the Scot.


In Scotland, whisky is spelled without the "e." The way to remember this is that countries with an "e" in their name (e.g. United States, Ireland) use an "e" in the word. Countries that don't (e.g. Scotland, Canada, Japan) don't employ the "e." There's your useless fact for the day.




Four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France, and the US would be 16 paratroopers.


Englishman yelled "Brexit !" while going down


A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by… (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?" Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees. The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen. The guy dives right in, motorboating them like he's the captain of a ship and sucking and licking every square inch of em. About 10 minutes go by, and the somewhat frustrated lady says "Well are you gonna bite em?" The guy replies "No, because then I'd have to give you $1,000."

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Lawyer here to ruin the joke. "Will you let me" seeks an option contract, which she provided. The fact that he did not vest his option is irrelevant. He still owes her $1,000 (assuming the contract is not void for relating to illegal subject matter; consult the local jurisdiction's laws related to prostitution for further details).


"Well, I'll tell you what. You made me feel really good. I'd like to return the favor. How about I give you a blowjob, and we'll call it even?" Later that night: "Man loses penis in poorly thought-out scheme. Film at eleven!"


Thanks for the mammories


Saw this exact joke a few days ago but in a bar. really?


the funniest part of this was the description of 'the best boobies'


A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish. (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.

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This is a good joke... I’m loving it


Sorry I don't get it, can someone please explain?


Mac Donald approves!


Har har Hardee's har har...




What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes One electron.

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That took longer than it should have for me to get.


This makes me upset but you may have the upvote.




A seal waddles into a bar and takes a seat, the bartender sets him up and the seal drinks away. At the end of the evening, the seal settles up and gives the bartender a credit card. As the bartender is heading back with the credit card and receipt for the seal, a customer who’s been watching all evening with utter astonishment stops him and says, "Did that seal just give you a credit card?” The bartender replies, "Oh that's not a seal, that's a sea lion." Customer asks, "What's the difference?" Bartender says, ”I just charged him.”




A farmer and a king died at the same time. (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.

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That was straight!


It was clearly set up so that the king would get in, otherwise why is there a random toilet nearby? Just goes to show that the rich always come out ahead, no matter how useless.


I rolled my eyes AND exhaled through my nose at the same time. Nice work.


I don’t get it


I always heard this told about dolly parton's tits, a royal flush beats a pair no matter how big


It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

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Thank you for censoring the very naughty word "screw".


This was reposted for the third time


It’s the first time I’ve seen it and I love it!


I don't get it


TIL another meaning for "liaison"


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

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Sometimes life can be a pain in the ass


If he wants sx, don’t resist!


Hehe, funny joke


Why did you feel the need to put an asterisk in the word 'sex' and 'kill'? Like, seriously.




A long time ago I read this joke I found so good I wrote it down. I found this note today (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes Disclaimer: This joke involves gender-based humour and don't actually reflect the my viewpoint about either gender. &#x200B; So there was this billionare, very sucessful enterpreneur, that decided to invest a large chunk of his funds in a new business: The Husband Shop The Husband Shop is a 6-floor building, each containing an assortment of husbands bearing more or less the same characteristics, however the next floor has a costier but better selection. So, this Lady goes to visit the shop and she sees this at the first floor: "At The Husband Shop we strive to present to you the very best in man. This Floor has 100% loyal men". Quite pleased with what she sees, she goes to the next one and it says: "This Floor 100% loyal men and they are very handsome!". She investigates further, and on the third floor she sees: "This floor has 100% loyal men, and they are handsome and romantic!" On the fourth floor she finds: "This floor has 100% loyal men, which are also very handsome, romantic and great with kids!" The fifth floor had the following: "This floor has 100% loyal men, all of them are very handsome, romantic, great with kids and they'll rock your world in the bed every time!" She was absolutely amazed by what they had put together, and she knew they had the best for last, so she found this: &#x200B; "Congratulations! You are the 4,986,221st visitor this year! Sorry, there are no husbands in this floor. We regret to inform we abandoned "The Husband Shop" development as we realized women were nearly impossible to please". --------------------------------------------------- BONUS JOKE &#x200B; In order to appeal to both genders (and alleviate the uproar of sexism accusations), the billionare made "The Wife Shop", and they put a lot more effort this time around. Since the other business became so famous because of the unusual service, a reporter did some digging, and he came back with this: "Upon arriving 'The Wife Shop', or TWS, the costumer is immediatly greeted by an employee that will explain the concept of the business and will acompany Him or Her through the floors, in the same method they used on The Husband Shop. The First Floor says: Welcome to The Wife Shop! We keep our promise to strive for excellency, but this time it's all about finding you your perfect wife! This floor has the most gourgeous women you'll ever find. The second floor says: "This floor has absolutely gorgeous women and they are all incredible in the bedroom. The 4 remaining floors are yet to be visited".

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I've heard the first part before, the second half was brand new to me and got a chuckle. I hope this post gets popular


I've heard a variation of this. Man walks into a shop with 5 levels searching for a woman. He goes to the woman on the first floor; Woman: I will be loyal to you. If that is not enough, go upward to success. The man goes to the next floor, the woman there says; Woman 2: I will be loyal to you and be amazing in bed. If that is not enough, go upward to success. The man is getting very impressed now. he goes to the third floor, seeing a woman noticeably more beautiful than the other two; Woman 3: I will be loyal, be amazing in bed and will always remain beautiful. If that is not enough, go upward to success. The man is now ecstatic, he wonders what beauty is waiting for him on the 2nd highest floor Woman 4: I will be loyal, blow your mind in bed and remain beautiful while giving you wonderful children. If that is not enough, go upward to success. Curious about whatever amazing, flawless goddess that could be waiting for him at the final floor. The man goes up, only to find an obscenely ugly man with a body odour that fills the room. The door locks behind him. Man: Who the hell are you? Where is the woman? *"There is no one here, just me; Cess."*


Do we seriously need disclaimers on jokes now? Especially really old ones which have been repeated since the dawn of Man? At this rate we'll even start seeing "male brunette jokes" for every "female blonde joke" just to "balance things out" for the sake of gender equality. When can we move to Mars, Elon?


why do you have to apologize sir? the internet is the last sanctuary of the free world....


I had several traumatic experinces involving disclaimers and once fell off a boat from someone explaining a joke. I'm literally shaking now, and i find it sickening that you dont have a trigger warning noting that you are usings disclaimers and extensive explanations.


I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out. (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes I just came to that realization.

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Dammit Krieger! The first rule of Autoerotic Assimilation Society is that we don’t make an aas of ourselves on Reddit!


The rare joke that can be read punch line first, make sense and still be just as funny. Take my up doot.


Are you still working out your kinks?


See you in hot my child


That must of been an awkward public school experience...


I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice… (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

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Since every comment so far is confused people, and it's actually not a terrible joke, I'll explain. Radiocarbon dating, as u/fursloth said, refers to using radioactive carbon isotopes to determine the approximate age of organic materials. It's how we scientifically guesstimate how old really old things are.


Tell him to join the tree ring dating service. They count the early wood and late wood and make matches.


I don't think I'm smart enough


I mean I get it.... ha....?


Ohhhhh, I thought carbon dating was when graphite asks out a diamond.


An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village. (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”

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Last time I read this (or the two last times) it was in africa. Which certainly fits better as afghans are still caucasians.


Classic goat fuckers


Afghans are kinda white, change it to Africans.




My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body. (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes He’ll be born in February.

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I saw it in this format: "I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born."


You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.


Damn bro. This is the most innocent joke I’ve heard in a while.


Happened to me once. Learned real quick to keep the super glue in a different drawer than the lube.


A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

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A week later that same couple drives to the end of that road and then parks. After they walk into the woods for a while, she asks "Are you sure you want to have sex in the woods? I'm getting scared", and the guy shakes his head and replies "YOU'RE scared? I'M the one who has to walk back alone"




Ho Ho Ho very nice.


Actually, the man was the bus driver


So he got fucked twice. Nice


How to nail a job interview (12/14/2019) ~ Jokes At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

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Related: A well-dressed man walks into a bar, and asks for a glass of 21-year old whiskey. The bartender doesn't have any, so he pours some 15-year old whiskey and hopes the guy doesn't notice. Guy takes a sip, sighs, and says that he asked for 21 year old whiskey, and this is only 15. He asks again for some 12-year old brandy. Bartender pours a glass, passes it over. The guy takes another sip, sighs again, and says that this brandy is just 10 years old, and he is really beginning to lose his patience. An owlish drunk, having observed the activity, slides a glass of amber liquid down the bar to the man, saying to try that. The man takes a sip, and sprays it across the bar, shrieking "Jesus Christ, that's piss!" "So it is," says the drunk, "and how old am I?"


What’s funnier to me is that he winks at his secretary and she just knows to piss in a cup.




Ahaha I get it




So there’s a new machine down at the drug store… (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment. Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and it diagnoses you right on the spot!" Kevin is highly skeptical of this new miracle machine, but decides what the hell, goes home and pees in a cup, and then heads to the drug store the next morning to find the machine. He puts in his urine sample and $10. The machine hums, beeps, and whirs, and out pops a slip of paper. "You have tennis elbow." Well that's bullshit, thinks Kevin, I don't even play tennis! So he decides to test the machine. He heads home and has his wife pee in a cup. He collects some of his daughter's saliva, some of his dog's shit, and to top it off, he jacks off into the cup. He heads back down to the drug store with this mix and another $10, and inserts it into the machine. The machine hums, beeps, and whirs, and out pops another slip of paper. "Your wife is pregnant and it's not yours, get a divorce lawyer. Your daughter is on drugs, get her to rehab. Your dog has worms, take him to the vet. And if you don't stop jacking off, your tennis elbow will never go away."

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Machine is the MVP


Dude jerked off into a cup that had his daughters saliva and a dog shit. What kinda person would it take to accomplish that ? Seriously, enjoy that imagery right there and realize how dumb this joke it.


Ah, this age-old joke has been updated to the modern age by replacing the guy with a machine!


Gave me a chuckle


Postal 2 feels


U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt (12/9/2019) ~ The Onion

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“All hail Octavia” Warframe would like to know your location.


Still a better plan than the Republicans’.




This, but unironically


This is actually not a bad idea.


I always knock on the fridge before I open it (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes Just in case there's a salad dressing

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Or a Prime Minister hiding


This is unnecessary on your part; knocking on the fridge will not make a difference whether there is salad dressing in your refrigerator or not. And in order to save yourself time, the next time you open the fridge, make a mental note of whether there is dressing or not. Not sure if you live alone or with a partner, or if there are kids involved, but maybe you can have them let you know if they add or remove dressing. You could also monitor the trash/recycling for discarded dressing bottles as a quick clue. Hope this helps.


Just open the door. Life's too short for vinaigrettes.


I'll have the Honeymoon salad: Lettuce alone.


Is this a genre of hentai I'm unaware of?


A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

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Took me a while to get it so take my upvote you clever bastard


"Whatever I told you in the past, PLEASE DON'T SWALLOW!!!"




Babe, I said no teeth!


Oh god oh no


What’s the difference between three cocks and a joke? (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes Your mom can't take a joke.

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Your dick is joke. And even my mother has standards.


Bullshit, my mum can take whatever you give her!


Hahaha, jokes on you cuz my mom is dead.


I know from experience


She had you didn't she? I'm sure she thought that was fucking hilarious l.


My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”. (12/8/2019) ~ Jokes A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.

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Even worse prison guard.


These are the silly jokes I can't stop laughing about.


Grand dad?


My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. (12/8/2019) ~ Jokes She drinks right out of the bottle.

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I miss my granny. Drinking moonshine from a mason jar and telling me the "gub'mint" faked the moon landing. She made me the man I am today.


*Feeding bottle.


Damn she's chugging that bottle of milk like a champ.


Life goals.


Didn't get it, please enlighten me


What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

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Old but gold




Can't even hold his head in agony.


A hand job?


the ones ive been told, was cancer, death or something else terrible


What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet? (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes 15 pirates.

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I would applaud this.


Realistically...14 eyes, 16 hands, and thirteen feet


*Applauds in hook hand*


I was never good at arrrithmetic. .


In Bernie Mac voice *You patch eyed mother****er*


I bought my friend an elephant for their room (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.

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Okay, here’s a quid pro quo offer to the OP. I don’t get this joke, but I have a feeling it’s funny. If you, the OP, explain this joke to me in the next hour, I’ll upvote and give you a gold coin.


Subtle and yet pleasantly within the dad joke wheelhouse.


My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

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I can't condome this risky behaviour.


I said ok, but if i have a psychotic episode mid-coitis you'll wish you'd taken the gun.


you must be nuts




Uh, I think you're putting that condom on wrong.


Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder… (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

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Leave and take my upvote with you


They must have been on the Highway to Hell.


High IQ, mates.


Oh you 😏🤣




Presidents (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits - saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud ... – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! - Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little ... we swear at Trump, but in a whisper ... we throw at him ... but in front of our TVs ... - Well, I exaggerated a bit as well ... We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down ... &#x200B; [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]

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There's a similar joke but with a different punchline that I can't remember, but not a true repost as far as I know


Trump- Joke over


Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

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Store dude: Sooo that's extra large then Lady 1: No extra small *confusion*


Good ol' #23.


Hope those ladies enjoy the fumes of burning latex.


Oh look, I’ve dropped my monster condom for my Magnum smoke.


She'd walk a mile to fuck a Camel.


How do you get a fat chick into bed? (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes Piece of cake.

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OUT of bed is where the real heavy lifting is


*slowclap* &#x200B; This may work with a lot of people


Flaming hot Cheetos


Doesnt work. Can confirm.


Fudge á la mode Ice cream cake


What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection? (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

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Probably didn't wait too long, the doctor's office has plenty of staph.


Sometimes it’s not bacterial, because he’s such a fungi


Yo 69 upvotes


Angry upvote!


Well I guess it won't go viral then.


How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies? (12/8/2019) ~ Jokes Also why is water so fuckin scary?

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I don't know about the first question, but I think it's just a simple fact that /r/WaterIsScary Edit: well fuck, I just read up a bit about rabies, forget water, rabies is one of the scariest things in existence.


Either I don’t get the joke or this is r/lostredditors


Lets get you to r/HydroHomies


> Also why is water so fuckin scary? Because the bat was actually a vampire.


A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS… (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out... The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here". The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV. The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard. As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first. As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead. He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists. The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon. "Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..

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Good old British humour. Take my up-vote.


It’s good but you wrote solder at the end. Still upvoted


First time I've heard it as a soldier. Usually it's an Israeli.


I've heard this as an American, a Frenchman, and a Russian. "Russians are not aggressors!"


Ahhh, conservative humor... Oh well, an attempt was made.


Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’ Bob was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed!

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Just chocolate eggs


>Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. This line is cracking me up after the first read


Very good.


New for me, and I believe I'll use it in the coming weeks. Thanks.


Lol did you mess up using copy/paste? Anyways, that was a little funny.


How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts? (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes Through the Dumbell door.

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That Harry Squatter's gotta train to defeat Lord Swoledemort.


This joke getting upvotes?? you can't be Sirius.


This is technically a joke.


If that's locked, just slither in.


This just made my day a million times better


2 fish in a tank. One says to the other, (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes How do you drive this thing

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"Holy shit! A talking goldfish!"


2 soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says (bubble noises)


That depends. If your turret armor is strong and you have a decent depression angle, you can go hull down on the top of a hill.


How many times must I fix this joke ? Punch line is " You drive. I'll man the gun ."


Maybe ask the skin diver.


How do mathematicians get rid of constipation? (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes They work it out with a pencil.

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Begrudging upvote.


not just any pencil, a #2 pencil


I always wondered why my math teacher never had a pencil sharpener


So when you get up and peek at your poop, you're just checking your work?


I hate this joke with all the fibre of my being.


A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?” (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes He replies: "I am not your dad"

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As a person of Chinese descent, I find this joke trite and unfunny. I have to deal with this kind of casual racism all the time. In fact, the other day I was in a restaurant and I'd been waiting for my food for some time already. Then I saw my WHITE server carrying what really looked like my order to another table where some other ASIAN dude was sitting. Really?? This got my hackles up. Look, we do NOT all look the same. I was ready to reprimand the server when I realized -- oh wait, that's not my server.


A kid asks his white mother at the mall... Well you know where this is going


So the IdentiKit used by Chinese police to construct a picture of a suspect must contain very few pieces. The Chinese version of Guess Who would be pretty dull as well.


Like this one, take an up-vote.


"Doctor, give me a Chinese face plastic surgery" -- Priest


Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of the room, he instead will be trapped inside forever. The first man, being a lifelong alcoholic, is presented with a room identical to his favorite drinking spot. Some of his old drinking buddies are present, along with infinitely replenishing spirits of all kinds! The first man is ecstatic and, thinking it will be an easy feat, runs inside and slams the door behind him. The second man, known for being quite the pervert, immediately feels his blood start pumping as the second door is opened. Inside are women of every shape, size, color, you name it. Every woman this man has ever fantasized about is here, ready to obey his every command. Without a word the second man rushes inside, closing the door behind him. Now the third man, having been a cannabis connoisseur for most of his life, stands in awe of the marvel before him. Inside his room is a forest containing every strand of marijuana conceivable; the shrubs are the most beautiful green hues, ebitting the stickiest of smells; the ground is littered with the highest quality nuggs, the dirt is hash rocks and kief, and the trees are actually twenty foot tall plants. The stoner can't wait to get eternally stoned and happily jaunts inside his room. 1,000 years pass... Satan, being a man of his word, decides to check on each of the men. He opens the door to the first man's room, only to find the most disgusting mess he had ever seen: blood, booze, and bodily fluids create a disgusting miasma throughout the room. Broken glass litters the floor, and the man's once-friends lie dead in various states of decay. After searching for a while, Satan happens upon the man, shrivelled up and nestled in a pile of bottles, crying and bleeding profusely. The man's wracking sobs stop as his trembling lips work to form a sentence: "P-please... Get m-me out of here..." Satan, a man of his word, reminds the man of the condition upon which he was imprisoned, and having broken his end of the bargain, the man is trapped inside eternally. "The second man must have done better than that one", Satan thinks to himself while opening the second door. Moments later, hundreds upon thousands of people come flooding out, men, women, children of all creeds, along with the scents of human waste and burnt flesh. Eventually Satan sees the man he locked in here riding the wave of people. "Get me out of here!" The man screams, and Satan seals the door forever. The third door is all that remains now; as Satan opens it, he sees the stoner meditating in the center of the forest, surrounded by a pool of tears. The forest had been untouched for the full thousand years. Satan is understandably quite confused! The stoner opens his eyes in disbelief and runs over to Satan, and shaking him by the collar he says: "Do you have a lighter, man?!"

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I read "Santa" instead of "Satan" until like half way through. I was trying to figure out what kinda fucked up Christmas story this was.


Note: I did not create this joke, I just rewrote it as an exercise in creative writing. 🤡


Hang on. Just because they are women, it doesn't mean they are not human. Humans can be easily convinced to do all kinds of fucked up shit. Can't he turn them into slave army and build himself an utopia?


I don't get what happened in the second room.


I liked how you wrote it, half way through i was thinking who ever wrote this is a really good writer!


“Don’t criticise what you can’t understand.” – Bob Dylan (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes I fucking hate that quote. What does it even mean?!

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I was listening to the good old Bob not twenty minutes ago 🙂


It's just how he speaks. Like "Some people feel the rain, others just get wet."


Might work better as "This is the dumbest quote ever. What does it even mean?" "I fucking hate that quote" isn't really a criticism whereas calling it dumb or something along those lines is.


Well, it's...oh wait....hahahahaha




TV ad for Benson’s Nails (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Benson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Benson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad. He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Benson's Nails, they'll hold anything'. Benson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want *anything* with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Benson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Benson's Nails!'.

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Is this an original joke? Good job!


Ok that last one sounds amazing.


Nailed it,


Am I going to hell because I can actually imagine the commercial? Also, this one made my day.


Always look on the bright side of life!


I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why… (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes ...there's never any money in there.

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Ba dum tss


I remember Bob Hope telling this joke back in '47.


I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet. (12/12/2019) ~ Jokes Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.

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Made me smirk. Take your upvote.




It’s getting chilly! (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." &#x200B; He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

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The joke read like there was a cutscene after the bf said his penis was frozen. . . . . . .'re finally awake


The ending was goodnt


My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live… (12/10/2019) ~ Jokes So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!

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My Dr said I only had 10 more left to live. I said "Ten what? Years? Months?" He said "nine, eight..."


It’s always good to get a second opinion.


I got good news, bad news and horrible news. Good news your death will be painless Bad news, according to the test, you have nine months to live Horrible news, we had a backlog, the test was done 8 and 3/4 months ago.


I knew I should have listened to his voicemail yesterday!


That was some quick justice.


Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (12/11/2019) ~ Jokes *(Made mine this morning!!)* 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1 bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat. Xx

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Lol I don’t care if this is OC or a repost, I’m all chuckles lmao


I’m definitely gonna try cooking now I’ve read this


the visual of this process made my day


Damn, take my upvote!


Oh. My. Gosh. This recipe was going around (translated) in chain e-mails when me and the internet were young and those were a thing. The translated version had slurring of the words, as if the "speaker" was getting progressively drunk. It was glorious, everyone I know had seen it.


I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer. (12/13/2019) ~ Jokes And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

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I don’t get it, woosh me


Get out.


I'll have to tell my coworker who's a videographer and sound/light guy on weekends.


Happy Audio Engineer Day! (12/12)


thank you


What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common? (12/9/2019) ~ Jokes No ballroom

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Totally agree. And nice joke


Neither ever gets cleaned.


What do cheap jeans and designer hotels have in common ? assholes


customers are used to the holes in them


Told this by my dad a long time ago. Neat to see it on here.


New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion (12/13/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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Little too close to reality there Onion...