Humor

Husband doing crossword with his wife (10/15/2019) ~ Jokes Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up

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Never been rick rolled by a crossword puzzle, thanks?

Mile129

I upvote out of respect, not appreciation

Pokefan180

God damn you

saxman1019

Rickrolled again. Nowhere is safe

felipeefl

For the longest time as a kid I swore this song was sung by "not a skinny white guy".

i-have-trex-arms




What’s the difference between a computer and an American? (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

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Damn. Shots fired early morning huh?

Midnightlemon

A computer understands the metric system.

evohunz

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Dad-man

A computer can understand multiple languages.

Knight-Creep

Time to sort by controversial

thinkingamer




My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes “You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

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"I'm an Adult!", I screamed, took my Tequila and **THREW IT ON THE GROUND!**

CriticalCrit

I miss when my dad would take me to bar and get drunk and let me drive the car home. My parents divorced and he moved away when I was six 🙁

Whitealroker1

The worst part about this of course is the kids are in their late 20s, the mom just refuses to admit to herself that they're no longer her little babies.

youhavebeautifuleyes

This joke doesn't work in Spain, where it's completely normal to see parents with their kids in a bar as late at midnight, often on a weeknight. After spending months in Spain I visited Utah and went to a licensed restaurant with my eight-month-old baby, and was angrily asked to leave. I just wanted a meal whole my baby slept in her stroller. It was intimated that I was the worst parent ever. This is why traveling the world is so strange.

stgabriel

Take your upvote and get out of here!

greenkingdom8




Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes? (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes LEFT WING DESTROYED

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That is the dumbest joke i've laughed at for a long time.

ElephantRiotXXX5

I'll tell you why it crashed, but first, let's talk about your life insurance policy.

progmetaldeity

You got a hole in your left wing!

d3ds1r-reboot

Good thing his wife, who is a doctor, was there being a doctor

RustlessPotato

This should be a joke that both left and right-wingers should appreciate. I’m sure the comment section won’t be a disaster.

Clefinch




My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

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He wasn't born yesterday.

zmunk19

Cradle robber

khoa152

My triplets were born yesterday. Another dad asked me what to name them. I said ‘James, Charles and Li Zhao’ He asked me why the last one was Li Zhao. So I said ‘Because every 3rd person born in this world is Chinese

pradeep026

r/dadjokes

justanothershady

Next question: is the other dad rich?

OccamsBeard




I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall

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Mmmmmmmmjeeeeeenkiins

existentialism91342

Why use many word when few do trick?

dthlee

My favourite joke is: "What do you call a black person flying a plane?" "A pilot, what were you thinking, you massive racist" EDIT: I AM BAD WITH COMMAS. EDIT 2: I will keep editing until this isn't a crime against English.

Karllobo

dark humor

Penny_is_a_Bitch

wHaT's ThE dEaL wItH hIdEo KoJimA

MetroidHyperBeam




What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter? (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes Pumpkin π Sorry.

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If I could give multiple upvotes I would

rokstar00

Even in text the delivery was great

serberusno1

The joke was good but that “Sorry” at the end was great. Take my upvote. I would give you more. But I can’t. Sorry.

ppmartins

A ratio of 3.14 :1 poignant sir

jae_neffer

In a counter-intuitive way, the apology is often a sign a good one on r/Jokes.

DrLandscape




Asked My Parents if I was an accident (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

Show Top Comments

Wait till you realize, it was actually a comedy.

Parter_Henis

In years to come your story shall go down in history. The tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise.

DeReAl_dr-dlittle

At least it wasn't a great loss.

Paronine

Wait until he finds out he was just made up for a reddit joke.

craniumonempty

Did you ever hear the tragedy about Darth Plagueis the Wise?

pippz0r




Only anti-vaxxers will get this one… (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes Small-Pox

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I thought we don’t vaccinate for small pox any more because it is irradicated.

alisonstone

You jest, but defeating small pox was one of the top medical coups of all time. Polio was on the ropes, but due to issues like anti-vax, war, and conspiracy against “western” medicine has allowed it to continue to exist. You don’t want a flu shot,, I get that. But let’s beat polio!

lasssilver

I enjoyed that. One upvote!

ryandecasas

There are dozens of diseases you could have chosen, but you picked one that no longer exists outside of labs and that is only given to Americans travelling to a handful of countries. At least 95% of people don't have the smallpox vaccine today

boofplugboof

That's because they're playing Marco Polio in the gene pool.

Elevated_Misanthropy




After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber. (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.

Show Top Comments

Got dammit, cmon take that upvote

that_one_dude_420

Not gonna lie, they had us in the first 75%.

MagicNipple

Vaseline is not vegan? It's made from petroleum right? Am I too smart or too stupid for this joke?

NinoVanHooff

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

SteelLeg

Finally an original vegan joke that doesn't just boil down to "ha ha you don't eat meat"

Keetongu666




So a guy and his gf are making out (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. “Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy. The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.” So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. “Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh... so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”

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I was about to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Guess I'll starve.

Blue_Torro

Some shit you just can't unsee....have an upvote

destroyingangl

After high school I shared an apartment with 3 friends. One night we’re having a party with several friends over and the cops get called for the noise. They come in and make everyone give them ID’s (some under age drinkers). So they knock on my roommates door and he comes out a few minutes later with blood on his face and smudged hands. Not drenched like a murderer but smudged just enough to notice. His gf had started and she didn’t realize it until the lights were turned on and she saw his face. To this day we bring it up every Halloween “You going to dress as a vampire again?” Cops had a good laugh too but still made us shut the party down due to a couple MIPs

Smtxom

Jokes like this make me feel better about being a virgin...

Alpha_pro2019

Holy shit

dukeexperience




Donald Trump just turned 73 (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

Show Top Comments

Hey hey hey. He has a extremely big IQ. Very big. Bigger than most IQs I know. So, so big.

CYBERSson

Pretty sure that happened to him years ago

El_human

*“Look, having high IQ — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you’re a conservative Republican they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the IQ, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are — My IQ is so powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right, who would have thought? — but when you look at what’s going on with the four losers — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years — but the Persians have great IQs, the Iranians have great IQ-ers, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”*

camycamera

You're lying. Donald Trump has a HUGE IQ. Tremendous IQ. Doesn't get more IQ than Donald Trump, let me tell ya.

blitzcloud

Serious question. Do those of you who don’t like Trump find stuff like this funny?

Johnny3_sb




What’s the fastest liquid on Earth? (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

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So bad that it's great.

doobie235

You want that milk pasteurized? Nope, just up to my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes.

Believe_Land

God damnit

pammy_poovey

I'm gonna need an ELI5 for that one

Dhe_Tude

Thought it’d be another diarrhea joke. I’m both pleased and disappointed. Have my upvote!

looper741




I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!” (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes "Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

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A woman gets on a crowded bus and says to a man sitting, "Would you give up your seat for a pregnant woman?" The man immediately stands and offers her his seat. He looking at the woman, who doesn't look very big, and asks, "How far along are you?" "About 39 minutes."

ThorTheMastiff

A better boss would have offered to help in such trying times.

saifdavinci

Plot twist: the baby comes out looking like the boss

ballislyfeee

The boss definitely didn't see it cumming.

TheAverageAlpha

Must be American. The boss expects you to be at work the day after having a baby.

_linusthecat_




What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period? (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes You get your palm red.

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I heard it told this way: What's the best thing about getting to third base with a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free.

BigVos

Take my upvote and never come back. Edit: wow, thanks for the upvotes... Is it sad this is my most upvoted thing?

VirificFlammule

A joke like this only comes around like once a month.

Soulcontusion

That's a bloody good joke

Onewondershow

Jokes about women's anatomy are inappropriate. Period.

LordAutumnBottom




Why is spiderman so good at comebacks? (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes Because with great power comes great response ability.

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r/RespectTheHyphen

jdi_mstr_obi-1

Oh good lord. Here's an upvote.

RaiderOfChests

Actually he just found them on the web

Spy-Boi

Repost.

Hildakoshell

Nope, this is reposted.

radical1412




The wife and I decided we don’t want children. (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes We're telling them tomorrow.

Show Top Comments

If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight? Developing cancer.

Nodripxx

"Kids, we are going to Disneyland tomorrow.".

scaur

“ kids we’re going out for milk!” BRB

paramedic11012

Tell them they’re adopted. Starting tomorrow.

lookinmymirror

Pffft. Procrastinators. Tell them today.

ashleyorelse




“I don’t understand you,” cried my girlfriend. “One minute you’re really offensive to me and the next you’re really polite.” (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes “Bitch, please,” I said.

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My girlfriend said I suffer from delusions of grandeur. I was so shocked I nearly fell off of my throne.

Malcolmpargin

you said, "biiitch?"

not_a_droid

One minute my girlfriend is asking me to stop cross dressing, and when I argue about it she tells me to put myself in her shoes.

fuglytofunky

Did you really take a minute between the two words?

gebertirim

I guess those tacos weren’t good enough for you.

postedUpOnTheBlock




Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds? (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Show Top Comments

A single piranha? Must be a very small child.

klendathu22

So this is really interesting, and I'm not sure where I read it/ heard it, but piranhas don't really attack anything that falls into the water. So, when Teddy Roosevelt was travelling the Amazon, his guides supposedly cordoned off a portion of the river, so that the piranhas there would starve for days. Then when they brought him there, they chucked a horse carcass in, and they devoured it in minutes, and they told him, "Yep, classic piranhas, eating giant mammals in minutes and whatnot" so he believed them and wrote about it in his journal and this was passed on as fact. His guides just wanted to trick the American into believing something insane. If you were to really stick your finger into a tank of piranhas, you'd be fine. They wouldn't bother you. Penn and Teller did a bit with Teller was dropped into a tank, strapped in a straightjacket, and had to get out. He took a good while, but managed to get out, wriggling around quite a bit, maybe even accidentally nudging a few piranhas with his foot, but he got out completely safe, without even slightly disturbing the fish

Metallidoge

You lost the job at the aquarium? Did you do something fishy?

dkrypt29

I guess, it sleeps with the fishes now.

pulpwario

Biting satire here.

r_politics_is_shills




A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes An **optimist** sees light at the end of the tunnel. A **realist** sees a freight train. The **train driver** sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

Show Top Comments

Thomas had never seen such bullshit!

Leftygoleft999

Choo choo mofos!!!

Archangelo80

An opportunist sees a chance at a lawsuit.

MikaeltheWarCougar

"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist. "The glass is half full" says the optimist. "While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist. "That wasn't water" says the urologist.

pradeep026

In russian train driver is called mashinist (машинист), this adds an important rhyme to the original joke

krivorukiyk




-Sir, you have a bladder infection. (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes -What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.

Show Top Comments

Urine for a treat 😉

lil_yenta

What did the US say to France, Germany, and Norway while they took a piss? European

Pewp_taco

-We have to get you to a hospital. -A hospital? what is it? -It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

its_me_ricky

At least it's not Uranus infection

gin_and_toxic

Ha I laughed. Have an upvote

primeTIME1111




An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?” (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes **An African student:** What's food? **A European student:** What's scarcity? **An American student:** What are 'other countries'? **A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

Show Top Comments

Me: What's an international school teacher?

Blawster

Soviet students: What's 'your'?

dullbananas

I love this one . I've heard it like that : A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. I prefer your version though with teacher and students

RyZum

Soviet students: You mean OUR opinion?

dullbananas

Bill Clinton: "What's 'is'? ​ (too obscure?)

neoprenewedgie




After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk. (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.” Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St. Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.” Carl never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence. Carl replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”“Not bad,” replied Carl the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?” “Never,” said Carl.“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Carl clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg! Carl was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Carl! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”

Show Top Comments

I'd rather have egg like poopsies than the caviar that would have come out if he'd been a fish instead.

iSchrodinger

Lol... Dookie Delivery indeed!

Mykahl79

This was the best joke yet on this subreddit.

YouareNotSmartDave

Okay, now that's funny. Eggcelent!

BarefootScholar

This is a proper joke, not like 90% of the amateurish stuff posted on this sub.

SullaInvictus




Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer, (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

Show Top Comments

Nice you could say this joke is a play on words.

T_urn

I gotta give you props.

CrediblyHandsome

I want to get in on the pun train but I am late to the party, and quite frankly they are a hard act to follow.

mozygotflowzy

You'll be fine, it's just a stage you're going through

playitagainzak_

Good one Have my updoot

hermano_desperto




A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”. (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily"get on my back,we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago... "

Show Top Comments

This is one of those that gets reposted once a month, but I'm always happy to see it because it reminds me of the first time I heard it and I just thought it was so damned funny the first time that I have to upvote the reposts too.

Pillslanger

Aah good ol' joke #469

Firebouiii

Seen this before, but still a good one, take my uproar:

Buddy2269

A gorilla is (for the purposes of this joke) swinging through the jungle one day. He is horny as fook as he hasn't had any in a long time. He swings his way down to the river, where a lion is taking a drink. The gorilla looks around to make sure the coast is clear, then runs up behind the lion and fucks him in the ass, real quick like. Then he runs back to the trees and swings like a mo fo back the way he came. The lion, obviously greatly confused and sore, looks around like "wtf?" and sees the gorilla making his getaway. He legs it after him quick smart, but the gorilla quickly gains ground as he's swinging through the trees. He comes upon a clearing, in which a hunter, complete with hunters hat and blunderbus, is sitting in a deck chair, reading the paper. The gorilla swings down and picks up the hunter, bashes him off the ground and throws him behind a bush. He then quickly sits in the chair, puts on the hat and pretends to read the paper. A few seconds later the lion comes roaring through the trees and sees the gorilla. He says to him, "hey, you didn't see a dirty bastard gorilla swing through here, did you?" The gorilla says, "is that the gorilla who fucked the lion up the arse by the river?" And the lion says, "ah, it's not in the paper already, is it?"

shitgnat

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him, "You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me". The lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction. The monkey goes on, "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!" The lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks, "Honey, are you going to allow this peasant disrespecting you? Aren't you the king of the jungle? Do something..." "Just ignore him," says the lion, "he's just a stupid monkey that isn't worth our time". "Yesterday I fucked your wife reaaaal good and she liked it!" shouted the monkey. "That's it" said the lioness "I'll teach him a lesson and then we'll have a serious talk about self respect" and went after the monkey who started swinging from a tree to the next. The lioness kept running after the monkey, he swings to the left, she goes left, he swings to the right she goes right, and suddenly the monkey missed the branch by a bit and felt on the ground below a hole made of the tree roots. "gotchu" said the lioness as she pounced towards the monkey, who actually was waiting for this to happen, his small size allowed him to get through the hole, while the lioness got stuck. He swung behind her, and fucked her to his heart's content with a dirty smile on his face. That evening the lioness returned to her home silent, and when she saw the lion she said "you were right, I shouldn't had let that peasant's taunting get to me." The lion hugged her understandingly and said "yeaaaah, you too got stuck in the roots didn't you?"

DrunkRavenBird




The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?” (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

Show Top Comments

Don’t slap them, last time I check you can slap the brains out of someone but not into someone

Potatohead272

>patient Wouldn't the child be the patient if we're giving *them* the shot?

tubbleman

The doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?” “Yes it does doctor” “Then I’d prefer a hand job instead”

DennySloan

Like this!

Merkeysa

Open your mouth and say "oink"

drlongtrl




Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that’s draped in bacon. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!” he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

Show Top Comments

I hope your mother slaps you silly for that one

JesusTwoTurd

My Dad told this joke when I was too young to get it. I had completely forgotten about it. He's gone now. This made me remember how animated he was when he told it. Thanks.

FORTRAN1729

You swine

CrediblyHandsome

did the other cowboy save his own bacon?

k0r0ze

I love you

Lightningbones1000




I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday. (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes I am now independent.

Show Top Comments

I set a calendar reminder for 15 years from now for my daughter's 18th birthday so I can use this joke on her.

mytrickytrick

I hate you. Have upvote.

amoistdab

I don't get it

CurePink99

I love you, have an upvote.

friggyturt

Yo no entiendo.

DT_Sans




A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes "I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

Show Top Comments

Obviously, he was on a Fed Ex flight.

ThomasKatt

he's the guy that climbed over the balcony to get a selfie and got booted off the ship. dumbass

lilquark

"I'm still not sure who is, but he's apparently a big fan of sand volleyball."

iq-braggng-o-smrtass

This joke makes me sad.

neoprenewedgie

Got a laugh. 🙂

Kandron_of_Onlo




Just called the tinnitus hotline (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes It didn’t stop ringing

Show Top Comments

That's funny cause I got tinnitus right now

Zudiak

DAMN YOU TINNITUS! You’re a cruel mistress

losersftw

*MAWP*

RearEchelon

Hahahaha This is actually a good one!

ViktorF109

That's off the hook.

zeydey




How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black

Show Top Comments

But the room was resisting by not lighting up on command

banjowashisnameo

And arrest the bulb for being broke.

zxDanKwan

I read this to my wife and she spit out her soda.

the_siren_king

I know this as "none they will just arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black"

AmityOfDawn

Why does Chinese cops pretend to be Hong Kong police? Because Chinese products are always fake

Cracamite




A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’ (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

Show Top Comments

When my oldest was about 5 or 6, my wife and I would tell stories from our day at dinner. Not wanting to swear in front of my 3 kids, I would call the particularly difficult people at work Bozos. Well, at the time, Bozo was still on WGN and my daughter watched it. She seriously thought Bozo the Clown worked at my office. Thankfully, Take Your Daughter to Work day was still a few years away.

TheRealBobbyC

That's why I'm never having kids

Itsame_malario

Last day of work for the dad afterwards

Pikafan333

Out of the mouths of babes.

friggyturt

She went around looking at people's butts. When asked what she was doing she said "I'm looking for all of those assholes you said you work with."

Finrod_the_awesome




NBA Quietly Waiting For NFL To Fuck Up And Take Some Heat Off (10/16/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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I’m not even sure if this is the onion anymore. It’s too true

Awesomeluc

“I’m sure they have some domestic abuse allegations out there to bungle and then we are in the clear,” That's dirty Silver. Like Trump dirty.

SurfMafia

They did.. Monday night football officiating fix

marcstov

Okay but for real, why does he look like the dean from Community?

TheMightyGaston

New Onion article: “Breaking news: The Onion is just news now”

ZaphodBBlebrok




I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street. (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

Show Top Comments

Oh how the tables have turned.

toougly4u

I went on a date with a homeless girl last week, and later she asked me to take her home The look on her face as I ran off with her cardboard box was priceless

seavisionburma

Lmao

ekwing

You had us in the first half

AKM_08

I don’t get it

bronzefireplace




Mark Zuckerberg Announces All Of Facebook’s Future Decisions Will Be Made By The Cube Of Justice (10/20/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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Scroll, scroll, scroll. Pause. Scroll back up. Check which subreddit this article is in. Nod in approval. Upvote. Continue scrolling.

Haus42

A lot of the people who felt quite strongly about the fake news being spread on Facebook have been pushing for this for a while now, but a lot of critics have raised the valid point that mere mortals cannot understand the Cube of Justice’s true motives for helping, so therefore we can’t trust it. I think it s a risky move, but the transcendental nature of the Cube of Justice could provide a big payoff for Zuck

PotatoPrince84

T H E S P H E R E S H A L L R I S E A G A I N

MadeToAchieveBalance

All hail the cube of justice

MrBigRed

No Cube of Justice. This is Sphere of Truth land

maebeanknot




Aww: Animal Experts Are Saying Cats Really Do Miss Their Owners If That’s What You Need To Hear (10/21/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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Honestly, this could be helpful to those kids who can't leave their animals.

Mr_Bongo_Baby

Wholesome Onion, a nice change from the regular schedule

mikenator06

Ya my cat freaking yells at me every time I come home and an hour after from being away for a couple of days. I hear her before I even open the door. All she wants is for me to pick her up, I know it ain't about food/water. Love her to pieces though

CombatComplex

That’s so uplifting, to the extent that lets me rest easier!

Vaffelpelten

I'm telling you its true

Umbrione




George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes He even used the name when he had a little grill.

Show Top Comments

The collective noun for George Foreman is Foremen.

ThunderPumpkin

Wow I hate you take my upvote

omegaljr1997

Fun fact, the George Forman grill was actually supposed to go to Hulk Hogan but he passed on it... cant even imagine if that would have been or worse for the grill. ... also good joke

bryan2305

To Michael Scott and his grilled foot. Just watched that episode.

ecordell11

I dont get it

WarriorDoge420




The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Show Top Comments

Sounds like a video for Tom Scott's great great grandson.

DennisNedrey

Nice ripoff from Twitter. Braaaavo

Pm__me__your_secrets

Stolen from Twitter, you fucking asshole.

Gnarfledarf

I clicked on this thinking it was a writing prompt....

TheWalkinFrood

The twittershpere and the redditsphere begin their spiral dance as the gravitational pull of each galaxy draws them toward the final cataclysmic descent into becoming a massive black hole from which nothing, not even light, can escape.

treditor13




A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

Show Top Comments

Upvoted but I feel like I should have taken offence.

EarthMarsUranus

In your defence, that was damn good. Take an angry upvote

rasspyre

I'm a bit on the fence with this post, I gotta admit.

Chybre001

I did a search with Reddit's amazing search engine and this seems to be a new joke. That is annoying.

rvrtex

God damnit... take your upvote and be gone

Threeknucklesdeeper




A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar: (10/15/2019) ~ Jokes "What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?" The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink." "The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says..... "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?" The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

Show Top Comments

I call mine Nick Cage cuz it’s been in everything

Big_Simba

Mines called The Challenger because it lasts for 73 seconds.

das_bic

I call mine Charmin ultra because less is more

seismatters

Why do men have a name for their penis? Because no one wants their decisions made by a stranger.

dycentra

I've always wanted to fuck me a Cowboy. No Romo.

S011110M4112




Did ‘Sesame Street’ Go Too Far When Mr. Snuffleupagus Got Killed By Poachers And Had His Tongue Ground Up And Made Into A Tea Which Successfully Treated Cookie Monster’s Erectile Dysfunction? (10/17/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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They didn’t go far enough.

Not_Fully_Awake

This seems like a thinly veiled shot at American media appeasing Chinese audiences and I love it.

1stDegreeBoo-Urns

r/bertstrips

verysilentguardian

Seems reasonable to me

Martholomeow

When cookies just dont cut it no more...

chevy1500




Trump’s parents are in trouble (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes They made a racist joke.

Show Top Comments

Took me a second to get it.

hextanerf

This post could Trump a spot on the front page.

Po1sonator

Nice.

87miles

Worst racist ever.

FEwood

This Trump stuff is getting old

Th3Mattressman0825




A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "5,000$" she replies. "5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "15,000$" she replies. "15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

Show Top Comments

She might give fantastic hand and blow jobs, but sometimes she can be a pain in the ass.

gratefulphish420

This joke left me satisfied without shelling out $20k

Pewp_taco

Is it gay to get an amazing handy and blowy from a penised person if you don't know.

SecondButton

You need some education on where dollar signs go, my dude.

FreeRangeHumans

Cats are not hard to get, are they?

ocotebeach




Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo… (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes ...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"

Show Top Comments

I was skeptical but it turned out OK.

bilgriffith

Wow, an apolitical Donald Trump joke. Nice

Myriachan

...and now for a completely different 45 joke

bidibaba

This is the best one I've seen so far

cameron_a05

That was good

Willber0389




Man Starting To Think Addams Family Not Like Other Families (10/17/2019) ~ The Onion

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Well according to my sister when I was 5, they started when Uncle Fester farted...

Nach0Man_RandySavage

Sorry, but r/HailCorporate

bailaoban




Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

Show Top Comments

Imagine the fourth son coming in to the cafe dancing with his work clothes, what do you think the other three women would say?

SPOOOOOOOKEYY

When the fourth one walks in they call him Daddy

Rappen11

Have an upvote

Colonizr7

In my country version of this story, the 4th son is the most hardcore illegal street racer :))

Chaos_0205




Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?” (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

Show Top Comments

So I threw the book at him hard enough to leave a mark.

shoziku

Probably doesn't help that you keep telling him, "Hello hungry, I'm dad."

saifdavinci

Oh hi mark

alphadeeto

Just the Most Upvoted r/dadjokes of all time btw.

Kaiser_Fiffi

You could have a boof mark

AcidBathVampire




Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives. (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits. The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal. “You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.” The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him. The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed. The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”

Show Top Comments

This joke has been on reddit before reddit ever existed

burekmemish

Dude, this joke is older than the Internet. I couldn't even speak English yet when I learned it.

Lolmyasslily

r/constantlyreposted

BuisnessAsUsual123

I've seen this joke numerous times before but here is an upvote

YonyTerrorri

This joke is older than cannibalism.

Pyrotron2016




I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes There was just too much history between us.

Show Top Comments

Take my upvote and get outta here.

UrNotRite

This joke is getting really old.

SaxyOmega90125

This is just bad.

jehosephatreedus

r/dadjokes

L1ghtBeam

I left, hoping that after I overcame Magritte lack of Monet I'd Gaugin, Manet times, then we could Rockwell.

Blawster




There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church’s stairs and vanished. (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head. One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child’s name. The priest said “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”

Show Top Comments

...the next day, the armless fellows long, lost, identical twin brother showed up at the church. He had spent his entire life searching - trying to reunite after having been separated at birth. The priest explained to him the tragic accident. With nowhere else to go, the twin asked the priest if he could take over his brother's job. The priest welcomed him aboard. The boy took his position in the tower, lined up and charged across the room and ran face first into the bell. The bell chimed as the boy bounced off and straight out the window to his death. When the police came they asked the priest for the boys name. The priest replied, "I don't know. But, he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Digyo

This is a good joke.

I_SEZ_TOTHEGUY_I_SEZ

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Zyxwgh

Fuck you. Take my upvote

DrippingInTheFinesse

Finally a joke that has a priest who isn't a pervert

muslim-boii




When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

Show Top Comments

Something very funny at the core here. Maybe rework it a bit: My mother wasn’t very good at hiding that she liked my brother more than me. Every year on his birthday she would tell me to take him to the movies so she could set up a surprise party for him. We were twins.

lpicador

Momma, do you have a favorite twin or do you love us both the same? Yes darling I definitely have one twin I love much more than the other one. Oh momma, which of us do you love more? Um, which one are you again?

mikemaca

Punchline is supposed to be: that's when I realized I was not the favorite twin

ShadowShot05

MFW I'm a twin and I cant tell this joke to people who know I'm a twin because the immediately get the punchline.

Roy_fireball

My friends threw me a surprise party when I was in high school. First thing I noticed when they opened the door and yelled surprise was the friend that had the same birthday.

Se7enLC




Lucky Break For Wendy’s: A Woman Found A Dead Rat In Her Wendy’s Fries And She’s Absolutely Ecstatic About It (10/18/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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Luckyyyy!! All I ever got was a press-on fingernail!

vinnydaq

The smile is so natural

rkd6789

Sweet! Free dead rat!!

BarryTheMasterOfSand

When you're almost out of feeder rats...

SpahsgonnaSpah

Clickhole: never funny

algebramclain




An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

Show Top Comments

10/10 would compute indefinite integral with limit substitution again

Ac_DrAgOn_

From /u/pokeloly An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

ClarkKentsAlt

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The bartender says ‘Get out, you’re just here for the karma.’ Then they all left and went to Hilbert’s Hotel The End.

JaedenV2007

Good quality maths joke wasn't expecting that

itbeamess

Language -matician just says etc...

Doublebounce




Joker to Batman: “Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?” (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes "Yeah sure." Joker: "Ok, parental love". Batman: "I don't get it.." "exactly."

Show Top Comments

I can hear that "exactly" in Mark Hamill's voice, followed by maniacal laughter.

zzmej1987

This is my favorite Batman/Joker joke: There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light… stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn’t dare make the leap. Y’see, he’s afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea… He says “Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!” But the second guy just shakes his head. He says “What do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!"

STAR-PLATlNUM

*♪Hello darkness my old friend♪ plays in the background as Batman broods before punching Joker.*

iknowthisischeesy

Plot hole: joker doesn’t know who Batman is so the joke doesn’t work

KnightAngelic

Awesome!

2nicejugs




Aggressive Flagellate Just Going Around Whipping Other Single-Celled Organisms (10/18/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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That Flagellate owns somebody.

mh078

This article is art

PeyOnReddit




Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

Show Top Comments

Oh the irony of this post...

Einstine1984

So is this post, has a good chance making the front page then.

Toshirohansan

Also, plastics in the ocean are made of 100% recycled material ! ​ -October 21, 2019, Monday. The ocean is sad.

The_Rotating_Brain

Upvote 420 I’ll be back in a sec

KOR3_02

This is just dumb.

Silentbtdeadly




Hermione’s son: Mum, you’re a witch! (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes Hermione: Emma Watson?

Show Top Comments

Emma Watson is a mom worth breaking your arms for.

existentialism91342

Don't get it 🙁

OinkyBob

Premeditated nice

12three4five6sevenei

Hermione: "Harry, I am having an affair with your godfather." Harry: "Are you kidding?!" Hermione: "No, I am fucking Sirius."

Baerfolg

Ha, nice

wattson86




3 men die and go to heaven (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"

Show Top Comments

Great joke.

Cannawizard72

Not heard this joke in 20+ years. Just reminded me of great memories. Thank you.

CYBERSson

what amazing luck that the man happened to have 3 pairs of women's panties belonging to a woman named Carol in his pocket at the time of his death. Good thing he wasn't fucking a "Christy" or "Amber", and good thing he was a weird-ass creep. Otherwise st. Peter would have been like, nope, bruh. To hell with you.

takes_joke_literally

"What were you doing with my wife?," the man shouts who was allowed to go to heaven.

Trump_is_______

Im sorry I don't get it

Dominatin_games




What has two butts and kills people ? (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes An assassin

Show Top Comments

He was assassin then after the kill he was assassout

Fsf89

2 cigarettes

NigrumpsOG

But assassins only have one? Are we talking about a deformed assassin?

I-Missed-TheJoke

*What has two butts and does people in?

bhattbihag

you don’t want to make an assassin the butt of your jokes or you won’t be around long enough to tell them.

BarzTheOrange




Why Americans don’t use metric? (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes Foot fetish

Show Top Comments

They hate foreign rulers

ReubenZWeiner

We are slowly going metric, inch by inch.

Traut67

That’s pretty good lol

S3V3ND4YF3V3R

None of us have a clue why not. When you figure it out, tell me why we still have Daylight Savings Time.

CurleyCajunLass

Hey! Millimetres still count! (Thats what she said, honest)

AbsenseOfMeaning




I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins. (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes I couldn’t differentiate between them.

Show Top Comments

Looks like you won't integrate well into your class.

GAFF0

That's not a good Sine !

Simplymanic99

As Frank Reynolds might say, "derivative!"

heelspider

But you did graduate from the Redundancy School of Redundancy.

AAAartisan

r/mathjokes

Ghiyas0121




I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude. (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes Always walking around like they rent the place.

Show Top Comments

Jokes on you, I live at my parents house!

Pony_Zilla

Ouch

Ixm01ws6

They definitely want their cake and to get exposure for it, too. Bunch of cake vloggers.

errol_timo_malcom

Lol As a gen Xer I love this. I am part of Gen X that didn't get into the property market soon enough. So I'm walking around like I rent the place.

Risperdali

We are winning titles ain't we?

Rephlex_




I broke my finger yesterday… (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes ... on the other hand, I'm okay.

Show Top Comments

Nice

MrLeafyGuy

Make sure you get it set properly! I convinced myself mine was just a sprain, and now I have a funny pinky for the rest of my life. Edit: oh wait, this isn’t r/casualconversation

alexeands

Oh wow. It took me this long to get the meta from TIHI's yo-yo finger post.

DuplexFields

The other hand disapproves.

Black_Lab_Jacket

Yes u did

ScionWarrior




What is the most sensitive part of a man’s body when he masturbates? (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes His ears

Show Top Comments

Was adolescent boy, wait... Teenage boy... No... Young adult male... Who am I kidding, married middle-aged man, can confirm... Can hear a pin drop in a hurricane while rubbing one out.

Escanor_2014

It's the closest we'lll ever get to sharing experiences with our Neanderthal ancestors.

793F

I think that he's trying to say that men are listening if someone's going to bust open the door while he's doing his thing

ImPoster_YT

I dont get it

adfdub

Too true

bscross32




My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...

Show Top Comments

Blue hair WTF?

dpcarballo

*Epstein joined the chat* - sent via ouija board

jvcscasio

I'll take your entire stock

AMightyFrube

Blue hair???

alfiesred47

OP knew if they mentioned the blue hair, you guys wouldn't question the fact they are giving away a 3 year old.

dresden_88




What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent? (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes Beats me

Show Top Comments

Kowalski, analysis

GunscheOrtensia

An average night at Chuck E. Cheese's

Cheezburglar64

What? With the glass bottle?

a_nomal_reddit_boy

Dad.

fuhr31

A reason for drinking

calikatt82




What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome? (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.

Show Top Comments

Dammit, I'm mad !

ChadworthPuffington

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

ulteriormotive33

Huh?

xmk23x

Upvote cuz I learned and chuckled

ceaandk

**What's the similarity between a syndrome, an aerodrome and a palindrome?** a man, a plan, a canalpanama a syndrome hurts a man, an aerodrome needs a plan, and ..

111248




Why did the Mexican take Xanax ? (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes For Hispanic attacks

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I giggled not gonna lie

makethedevilsmile

Hehehehe now that's some funny shit .

Shelbygt500ss

Hahahaha

drakulas89

Tome su “arrivoto” ya 😅

cdthomer

As a Mexican, I find this.... funny!

starscream713




Music Buff Pissed ‘Come Josephine In My Flying Machine’ Left Off Pitchfork’s ‘Best Of The 1910s’ List (10/18/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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this but unironically 😤😤😤

mattwaver

this is like, the Hard Times' biggest missed opportunity

dream_tonite




What do you call a group of unvaccinated children? (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes A Plagueround

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Stonks

give-me-the-gud-gud

Dead

Zom8ie5layer117

Massgrave?

Gladius_RaiD

Oh wow

decearing-eggz

Dead kids walking.

MDan25




Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans. (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. “Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.” “I can certainly try, for my best friend.” Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. “AHHHH! Who are you?” “Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.” “Good hell, you scared me half to death.” “It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.” “Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam. “There is baseball in heaven.” “Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”

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This was one of my grandpa’s favorite jokes.

Tilbo_Baggins

> The afterlife is real and you get to play games with all your buddies forever > bad news Jack and Sam, you dumbasses.

EternalMintCondition

I’ve heard this joke before, but I smile because I love baseball

ScreamingIdiot53

Begrudgingly upvoted

Ledbetterduh

The away games suck though. Damn Yankees!

OccamsBeard




TUTORIAL: “How to Fall Down the Stairs” (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes Step 1: Step 4: Step 9: Step 15:

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Had me rolling

DonkeyHair

This joke made my back hurt. Good job!

PurrNaK

Take my upvote and leave

SumRandomGuyOnReddit

Dude you missed it by one number you almost had 1, 4, 9, 16 which are the first four squares.

ArseArse69

Falling down the stairs? Shouldn’t it be Step 15: Step 14: Step 9: Step 4: Step 0: Slide...

salvodan




What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer? (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

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But just like a politician, it will also turn them on

TheScribe86

Nothing.

kinnic1957

one kills your future, and the other kills you now.

CINAGRO_LLAMS_SINEP

They don't.

CalebHeffenger

One goes to jail the other one goes to his holiday house.

onikos70




My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning. (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

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K, I won't upvote.

Smuck_My_Duck

Lol I remember reading this joke on reddit last year

Joeoldman

Came expecting a punchline that involved pegging. This was better.

Hepatitis_Bea

this has been reposted so many times, to many.

tdloader

Repost.

MidgetWhale




Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body. (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Little Tommy can’t believe his luck. “Mommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!” Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car. The moral of the story? Quit while you’re a head.

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Well that got dark. 😐

SNeddie

I thought for sure he was going to eat his vegetables and be good to ask Santa for a big dick, then he wakes up in the morning and he doesn't have a big dick but his dad has come home.

Sarcasticalwit2

I died even before you said the moral of the story. Best post I've seen in a while. Take my damned upvote.

McFreddieMercury

"With feet to boot" is probably the best bit

randomuser8765

It's not really a joke. Just a sad story

CoolBeagle




What does a black rectangle have in common with the girl I met last night? (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes >!you tap it once and it's gone!<

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To all my dark mode brethren op is taking about the white rectangle.

taylaj

Interactive joke. I like it!

schizoid_clown

The best kind of clickbait.

six0seven

nicely done.

sixesand7s

Nice

DogePerformance




Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison? (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes Cause they know he actually did it.

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Because he is the warden.

pjanderson73

Because he’s glow in the dark

paoerfuuul

Wow

Titan407

This is some .. black humor.

DemoniacMilk

Ooooh nice repost. Fresh prince of Bel Aire beat you to it by 20 years

Is_A_Healer




What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes You have to be asleep or they can't come.

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Too dark man too dark lol

HaRDTorEmeMbEr-MCGDK

I think it could also be worded "he isn't gonna come until your asleep"

flammulajoviss

I just got a notification from Reddit that this is trending, so watch out.

ThatOneDrowned

They both have a little present for you,

PhenomsServant

Bill Cosby and santa: hipity hopity your now my property

memez_for_life971




What do you call a chubby midget? (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes Low fat.

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A pudget

Putt_Bunyon

Biggie Smalls

ralthiel

Jumbo shrimp

CrediblyHandsome

My dream girl.

Tragicanomaly

Micro soft.

efwfNL




Three friends bragged about who has more sex…. (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

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friend C has fucked 0 women

SomePerson-44

But you’ve created a paradox op, by saying that friend c had said the punchline.

NecromancerNova

So 0?

NaziSexWizard

I’m in r/jokes so I never expect a punchline.

Papajon87

Here! here! I'm the first...

freespiritedgirl




4 Episodes Of ‘The Office’ Where Michael Comes To The Office At 3 A.M. And Finds Phyllis And Stanley Filming An Al-Qaeda Training Video (10/16/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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I wish these episodes are real tho

dream_tonite

This Onion article is Red Mist type stuff.

PineapplesExist




I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible. (10/21/2019) ~ Jokes Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

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Took two reads, but I got it. The upvote is really just for me. 🙂

Ken_Meredith

Ohhhh i have one, so i went up to Jesus and i asked him why he carries around an olive branch, and he said it’s because olive you.

Shadowyne

I was told this by a very short carpenter, made me a little cross.

Brokensaint1

I still prefer the joke from The Crow: Jesus walks into a hotel with three nails and says “can you put me up for the night?”

TigerOnTheProwl

“Cross references”

mbf8910




Atheism is a non-prophet organization (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

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10/10 fucking perfect!

Carnage69

Two jokes in one post, approved

Basket_of_Depl0rblz

Honestly thought the title is the joke. But you gave one more.

AilosCount

isn't the captain supposed to stay in that case ?

Calavente




A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower… (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”

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Yikes

carsun69

This joke is not suitable for this Christian subreddit

iatemysisterout

Oof

sbwoods

I think we should discuss why this little girl happens to see so much pussy.

Sabot15

While his wife is downstairs reading a book? What a cad!

Duke_Sweden




How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb? (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes Zero, because the change starts with you.

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Who needs lightbulbs in a van by the river?

ktka

TIL my ex wife is a motivational speaker

RugBurnDogDick

That was good, ngl.

Julia_Gacha_me

This is wholesome

GideonMax

This is for original material. Get off the stage, Carlos!

Troll_Inc




I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit. (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".

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Ironically you missed the too but you both stepped in the #2.

KitsuNation

I laughed.

LBJustice

Well, did he do it?

TabooDax

Shit post...

thygreyt

weird uncle-tier joke 10/10

inoffensivegamer




Congress will never impeach Donald Trump. (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

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Well played the pun coming out of "left" field. And like Epstein, it was well executed.

NecrumOddBoy

I love the joke and hate to kill it (I already gave you my upvote), but Congress typically refers to the lower house, or the House of Representatives. If it comes to a strictly partisan vote (and it will), then the HOR definitely will impeach Trump. The Senate will not vote to remove him however, because the Senate is Republican controlled, and would never get the votes. However, the Impeachment will already have happened. Impeachment does not mean removal.

DragonliFargo

Ha! You've tickled me!

TurboChickenFastFast

isn't this one of the top of all time post?

qwert2812

Donald Trump will never allow himself to be impeached. He insists on being imhamburgered instead.

Zoefschildpad




When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned (10/20/2019) ~ Jokes Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

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Why's she changing her clothes in the park?

sherbetfountain

Back to the future scenes

AngleBoi03

r/shower thoughts ?

Teodorp99

"And your erection knocks the ladder back with you on it." -Clarke W Griswold

Rook_Castle

Wait what?? Why would she change her clothes in front of you if you're friends?

NateTheGreat1004




A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

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Seen this so many times its driving me nuts:

Buddy2269

As someone who has a very small repertoire of jokes (this being one of them) I usually say Bartender: “is that a wheel in your pants?” That way the response of “arr, its driving me nuts” seems like he’s referring to the wheel being a nuisance and the obvious joke is more implied rather than the pirate saying he put it in there to drive his boys

Pinnipeduncle

As my friend's son erringly tells it, "Arrg shes steerin me balls!"

M3TLH3D

Try "did you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

SilentKnightOfOld

More like bore Raganrok

Krackeniscool517




What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life? (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes Reintarnation

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"Tarnation" is a perversion of the word "darnation," which people began saying in place of "damnation" at some point, because "damnation" seemed a bit much to them. So if a cowboy gets reintarnated, that means he's being damned a second time. Re-damned. My question: is his life so hellish that to live is to be damned? Or is he bound for hell again, no matter how he uses his second chance?

Calbinan

This made me laugh

sunfinroo

r/whatintarnation ...!

beavergrad94

Funny and wholesome!

Endersgaming4066

YOU'RE myyy FAVEorite deputy

Dao_Jarlen




Bank Robber : Wherr is the safe? (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes Teller : Bank Robber : WTF. Where is the safe? Teller : Penn : He always does this.

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Ahahah Nice joke.

ceph42

who's Penn?

mehyter

You Sir have "FOOLED US"

simi_n9

ROFL good one

csgonemes1s

You fooled me

TheSquare_NL




Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend’s family. (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom. As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom. As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom. During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us". Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ....". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".

Show Top Comments

Peter continues on praying as the father sharpens his steak knife. *praying intensifies*

pdaddydlg

I read peters voice in a Peter Griffin voice and thought I’d share this blessed info.

Toasty-The-Toastr

Why three condoms? Use it, turn it inside out, and ditch it (the mum's probably in menopause anyway right?)

csnowrun31

i thought his last name is File

Cartoonstroll_v2

very good rendition of old #432. well done, get that upvote !

Calavente




Where do horses go when they get sick? (10/16/2019) ~ Jokes The horse-pital! Nah, I'm just joking, they get shot

Show Top Comments

They can get off the hook if their condition is stable

KitsuNation

My 4 year old brother told me this one

RollinTits101

Tesco, if they are British

potter68

What do gay horses eat? Haaaaay

sirgiraffe77

r/DarkHumorAndMemes

Ambitiousfoxboi




Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs. (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes 3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up... she said "You will be when the tide comes in."

Show Top Comments

I like how it’s not a typical “no arms or legs” joke

Big-Bad-Bedpost

Heard a different version a while ago. A woman sat on a towel on a beach. She had no arms of legs. A guy saw, having pity for her. He asked her, "Have you ever been hugged before?". She replied, "No". So he hugged her. He then asked, "Have you ever been kissed before?" Again, she answer no and he kisses her. He then asks, "Have you ever been fucked before?" Her eyes light up and so replies, "No" with a cheeky wink. So the guy picks her up and throws her beyond the tide.

CaptainMcGhost

How can he sit with no legs...?

thygreyt

If it was the black knight of Monty Python he would ride her bouyant dead body to the beach on the tide and fuck her the whole time

jae_neffer

Saw a variation of this the other day

SevenEfFive




Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex. (10/15/2019) ~ Jokes She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!

Show Top Comments

I'm a science teacher and I use this story to teach the kids about equilibrium.

chitatkins62

Roast Ted.

VaultDweller69

Oooooh shit

thatdude2262

"Little Suzie"? Sounds like a child out of a 1950s tv show.

g33kthegirl

oh my god bahahaha

katiarossitto




A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "It's dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

Show Top Comments

Nice

Phantasist27tb

Hahahahahahahahahhahaha

thinkingant

didn'ts see it coming ! Funny !

40lovetennis

More Like Bore Ragnarok

Krackeniscool517

Nice

Snabcakes




What did the lesbian vampire say to her date? (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes I’ll see you next month

Show Top Comments

This joke is not funny—period.

Casomorphin

Reminds me of the joke about the vampire putting a used tampon into a cup of hot water, and when asked what he was doing, he said, "I'm making tea."

timetravelingboomer

Ancient limerick, but: ------------------------------- There once was a vampire named Mabel Whos periods were exceedingly stable Once every moon She sat with a spoon And drank herself under the table

oddthetall

A Lesbian Vampire, also known as a blood bank. Edit; wording.

friggyturt

Win win

clapter




Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table? (10/19/2019) ~ Jokes Sir Cumference.

Show Top Comments

No it was sir kull

EPIChasidat63

And who put up all the speakers around the castle? Sir Round Sound

AmnesiaInnocent

>Sir **Cum**ference. That guy was a jerkoff to begin with.

prankerjoker

Take my upvote and die

bobwillsonjr

But they all still surved the great oval-lord.

JimDerby




Hitler built a boat in pixelated blocks and named it (10/18/2019) ~ Jokes Mein Kraft

Show Top Comments

Ready to give this guy Das boot

killsforsporks

Take your upvoted and get out.

ursois

I'm tired of these minecraft references, Anne frankly I'm not going to stand for it.

crispy_cat_pricks

I totally did Nazi that coming.

wackoclown

That's the worst boat made out of cheese I've ever seen.

Mcletters




What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on one book for years? (10/17/2019) ~ Jokes Church

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welcome to bible study! We are all children of jeesus. kumbajah my lord.

jessevrstg

*centuries

GoPlayOutsid

Technically it’s a collection of a bunch of books, we just can’t settle on reading one at a time

Kaizer284

No im a child of communism stalin is my savior Comrad

the-one-and-lonly

The Bible isn't one book though...

bloocheez3