Humor

Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump? (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

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Finally, a joke not playing on the words orange/peach

Kelly240361

Reddit has taught me that no one is ever happy with anything.

crawlywhat

To get to the other side.

MrMixMasterMike

Cuz they stole a joke from last night and reposted it.

reillyqyote

This joke has been passed around so many times, you should check for STDs.

Gnarfledarf




Donald J. Trump has been impeached (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes Finally, something he's earned

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"He's been in where???" -Mario

the_great_impression

“He was already an orange.” That’s the direction I thought this was going.

ReynardSurplus

He finally won a popular vote

Rawalmond73

Ah, so this is how I learn Trump has been impeached

Whisperlinkz

Yo how'd they fit him in a peach?

BlackDoctorPhil




I like my coffee how I like my slaves… (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes Free

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There was so much misdirection in this joke that I’ve no idea where I’m headed

str8nobull

Are you getting free slaves?

Gharosss

This turned out to be so wholesome, I felt an immense disappointment.

HappySoda

Got to take out "my" or it sounds like you are getting free slaves.

nomoreimfull

Oh... Right... Definitely not "without somebody else's dick in it," cause who would say that? That would be weird, right?

Downvotes_dumbasses




Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch (12/16/2019) ~ Jokes Ouch

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This the funniest joke I have seen sofa.

Dream-monger

I lost 25% of my roof Oof

aww-sam-guy

The missing c must be must be a consonant reminder of your loss.

ellsuntrade

That actually got a little chuckle from me.

jackson-phive

epost

Eregrith




I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best. (12/16/2019) ~ Jokes I can’t believe what this world is coming to. Edit: In true Reddit spirit your comments are taking this joke to places I never expected. Thanks for a fun afternoon. Edit 2: Thank you for the upvotes and award! Let’s try and make the world a safer (and weirder) place in 2020.

Show Top Comments

I sorted by ‘Rising’ and was semi-impressed.

KubaKomorebi

I thought this was one of those obviously made up TIFU threads: "..and it turns out I'm banging the most popular NSFW star on reddit."

armcie

I know it’s a joke but I’m curious what the most popular NSFW sub is

Hcysntmf

We should combine all nsfw subreddits and let the world come together.

Air-Bo

I’m wooshing on this one can anybody ELI5?

Beanzie02




Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married. (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine! Edit - thanks kind strangers for the awards! I have never gotten them before so thanks!

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It's all fun and games until somebody's grandmother gets pregnant.

wotmate

Why is this oddly wholesome

hhhnou

I thought the kid would say - “you’ll get used to it son”

Lee_thegreat

Little Johnny comes home early one day and catches his parents having sex in the kitchen. His dad gets dressed and follows him to his room to have a talk with him. "Hey, Little Johnny. You probably have a few questions about what you just saw. I was just playing a funny little game with your mom that got out of hand." "It's alright, Daddy, I understand," replied Little Johnny. The next day, Little Johnny's dad comes home to Little Johnny having sex with his grandmother in the kitchen. "WHAT THE FUCK, LITTLE JOHNNY!?" his dad yells. Little Johnny looks at him and says, "Not so funny when it's *your* mom, is it?"

philography

My dad used to do bodybuilding. When I was young I once tried to win an argument with him by saying that my dad was stronger that his.

Willduss




Judge: I order you to pay $10,000 (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not

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Chico Marx would be proud, sir or madam.

DankBlunderwood

Is it bad that I read the punchline as Jar Jar instead of Mario?

Eroe777

1. Take a comic I personally has seen 20 times on 9gag. 2. Take away the pictures. 3. Post it on Reddit 4. Karma

aaron2005X

Itsa repost

WarGorilla17

Excuse-a me kind sir, it was-a my turn to repost-a this

sotheg8r




Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"

Show Top Comments

I dated a Jewish girl for about a year, and she was pretty damn poor. She rented a room in a house, worked retail, and drove a 97 Camry (this being in 2005.) Her whole thing was, "my dad is a tenured professor at Brandeis, my mom is a psychiatrist of 20 years or more, and I'm here in bed with *you.* How the fuck am I anybody's enemy?" Edit: lol so many comments defending the Camry in here

AcidBathVampire

I grew up in an area where anti-semitism is still a thing with some. When I started dating my now-husband (who is Jewish), it came up in conversation that he had no idea *why* the prejudice existed- what the prejudiced people believed. Target painted on his back and he had no idea of the supposed why. So I told him what certain people thought about Jews, the standard tropes, the conspiracy theories. Mind you, his family was in medicine, not law or banking. He just kinda blinked and said, "Wow...I'm kinda flattered that they think we have and do all that...so where is MY family's share?!"

HazelNightengale

A Jewish man dies and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he decides to tell him a holocaust joke. God says, "that wasn't very funny." The man replies: "ehh, you had to be there."

youarelookingatthis

This joke was first made before WW II, to be fair.

JFerlandFan

"It's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years"

Semanticss




The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate. (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes When thrown at a close-range, especially.

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Miss read the instructions just shot someone with the Bible from 250,000 feet away

AmericanPatriotLeft

Ever word in Bible is absolutely true.. It's only when you read it as a sentence, you find a lot of mistakes

Indianfattie

If Agent 47 keeps a Bible in his briefcase, this would explain a lot.

EddieMcClintock

**Three shall** be the number **thou shalt count**, and the number of the **counting shall** be **three**. **Four shalt thou not count**, neither **count thou two**, excepting that **thou** then proceed to **three**.

fancyramenpro

“I’m not very religious. I’m not. My Uncle Tom? He’s super religious. The other day, he’s walking down the street. He gets mugged and shot in the chest. Now miraculously.. *miraculously* he always keeps a Bible in his front jacket pocket. So he had something to read as he bled to death.” -Anthony Jeselnik

boinzy




I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had. (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes He started counting but he fell asleep.

Show Top Comments

Oh because sheep

TheBlank89

Ewe so funny. Take my upvote.

Dusty_Sleeves

Why do Scotsmen wear a kilt? Because sheep can hear a zipper.

RayInRed

Well, five in Welsh is “pump” which is pronounced the same as “pimp” in English.... I’d go with that 😊

STFU_Donny724

I actually met a welsh guy that was wearing a sheepskin coat and worked on a sheep farm. He was obsessed with sheep and told me that he always wanted to punch one in the face because they annoy the shit out of him even though he loves them. This reminds me of that guy.

beaker88




[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car Edited: wow this blew up, thanks for the silvers dear stranger

Show Top Comments

I know I’ve seen a condom advertisement that is literally this

Rememeton

The atmospheric conditions in cars are GREAT for condoms. The extreme high and low temperatures make them more pliable and strong and don't make them brittle or denatured at all.

jpaxonreyes

This reminds me of a scene from a movie/tv show that I can’t think of right now where the boyfriend goes to his girlfriends parents house and the mom is like “you can fuck me right here” and he doesn’t do it and his girlfriend and her dad were hiding behind the curtains and the dads says “you’re the first person to pass the test!!” And the boyfriend is like “aw man” Edit: the movie is “They Came Together”

samdaman94

This is old but it always makes me laugh

FinSonic

To be fair, all jokes aside, do we all agree that if this happens you should leave the relationship? If the whole family saught to test me, and planned to do it beforehand, with the sister game to tease, I'd never trust any of them again. Thats not the sort of healthy relationship you should look for. If this happens to you. Run. They're looking to make you complacent for unusual activity. Maybe illegal and you'll be the dumb patsy, maybe absurd and you'll have trauma forever

Cranky_Windlass




A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.” (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

Show Top Comments

Plot twist: The first driver in the line replies "I'll give you $10."

vartha

Get revenge? On the cab driver who wouldn't give him a free lift? I'll say it, this guy is a cunt.

BenUFOs_Mum

Plot twist. He takes Uber. Gets raped.

IlikeYuengling

Why get revenge on a cab driver who didn’t want to give a free ride? I’m not hating the cab driver enough to want the man to get revenge.

Warrensk

This is great, but I think I enjoyed it a bit more the last 4 billion times it was posted here

Confuse--Ious




I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand. (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.

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NickelCerium.

brownminer

How often do you make these jokes? Periodically?

SabotageTF

- How about a joke about potassium? - K

NappingYG

What do you do when a chemist gets sick? If you can’t helium, you can’t curium, might as well barium ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

M_is_for_Mancy

Bromine, Uranium, Hydrogen

volume_1337




My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why. (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes I had to draw my own conclusions.

Show Top Comments

This is good

markste4321

3 hours in and no one has said they have heard it ....Nice!

keeperof-the-flame

Sounds like you had a lot of issues.

XianCopSOPASponsor

Pshhh. Every comic book reader knows that you would tear out the first page of the subsequent issue to remove the conclusion.

pain_in_the_dupa

Finally a original joke!

annoyingsab




I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual. (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual

Show Top Comments

They told me to B sexual

CrunchyLight

As you can see I'm Chinese. Every time I see my parents it's the same thing: "When you marry? Bring us grandbaby." I tell them, "Not going to happen. I'm asexual." And my mom, bless her, always says, "That not good enough. Need A+sexual. More sex. Bring us baby."

mikemaca

Hey I recognize this from somewhere

Starak_Krall

You copied this from an ask Reddit post

sometimesdogshit

Am Japanese, my parents want me to be S-exual

katsu_kare_raisu




4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip… (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room. "Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now" Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims: "Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!" The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible. "Really? Then how do you explain this?" He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds. "I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please." And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar. The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep. Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing. Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning. "I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime." "B-but how come they didn't take me?!" "Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke" (translated from Russian)

Show Top Comments

Much funnier 40 years ago before we all carried our wiretaps with us everywhere.

KarmicComic12334

Coffee before bed? Earlier repostings with tea read much better.

ktka

Soviet Premier Brezhnev, as is his habit, looks out the window of his Kremlin office at the morning sun. "Good morning, Comrade sun" he says. The sun answers, "Good morning, Comrade Premier." About noon Brezhnev looks up through the skylight and says, "Good day, Comrade sun." The sun dutifully answers "Good day, Comrade Premier." In the afternoon Brezhnev peers out his window at the setting sun and says, "Good afternoon, Comrade sun." "Fuck you, Brezhnev" says the sun. "I'm in the West now."

requisitename

The fourth one is trying to get some meaningful sleep... so he orders a cup of coffee.

ElMadera

Real joke is there is any business in Russia, thus businessmen.

ChicParadox




Just lost my job as a zookeeper (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"

Show Top Comments

Just take my Upvote

FinSonic

I dont get it 🙁

ChknFrdRce

I have the heart of a lion... now I'm banned from the zoo.

altburger69

Then you probably treated them as animals, real zookeeper traits them as a buddy.

joezwinky

You’re under-koalafied

spaatz11




I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.

Show Top Comments

But how are you still alive I saw you doing it

HeroKiki

I see!" Said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

AlexKLMan

I can cut down a tree. Your momma's a stupid birch!

sifumokung

I need evidence log for that.

iknowthisischeesy

This is going into my joke log for kids.

HowCanBeLoungeLizard




Some people are so ignorant about anatomy. (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.

Show Top Comments

Non native english speaker here: I don't get it? Is there really not a typo and "vas deferens" is a thing?

Eregrith

Snip, snip....

burningatallends

Won't this just shed more light on the penises? (office reference)

CoherentMcLovin

This may be the most intelligent dick joke I’ve ever read. Well played.

acarp6

Good one! Have an upvote

Blopblup23




My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!” (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Show Top Comments

Congratulations on your new job as Head Altar Boy! Edit: Spelling Fail

CGPsaint

I thought the answer was going to be “Lies.”

HaroldBaws

Hey you could make a religion out of this...

ToddWagonwheel

Nailed it!

sgtaguy

I slept with the boss.

Yukon_Kizmiaz




Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes So we can think of a solution in silence.

Show Top Comments

“Save the children!” “Save the women, we'll make new children!”

StenSoft

“Do you know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we’re both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay – that’s why I get the dollar more an hour.” – Bill Burr

shivermetimbers68

I remember when they told this joke on the titanic

Frank_the_Mighty

This actually made me laugh out loud. Thanks.

tdawg2216

I can’t wait to scream “what the fuck happened to equal opportunities” and toss my fiancé to one side as I strut onto the emergency lifeboat.

Ladfromnw




Why do pirates love reddit? (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!

Show Top Comments

Because every subreddit name is preceded by slash-arrrrrrr.

MisterBigDude

Don't lie to me, OP. Is this stolen?

mariaheam

Because all the booty is clearly labeled "NSFW"

kdoughboy12

Did you just give yourself gold??

Menarche_

/r/matey

SlumdogSkillionaire




A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”

Show Top Comments

But God made her in His image! How disrespectful of the jealous church ladies!

ChibiSailorMercury

Silly minister going around eating every plant he sees laying around.

nerfchips

Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...

RunningToGetAway

Maybe Linda was the minister's wife... IDK.

RobertKesselring

Most predictable punch line ever.

ToolRulz68




My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard. (12/21/2019) ~ Jokes Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

Show Top Comments

I heard about a guy several years ago whose car was stolen while he was at work. A couple weeks later he got a call from the police department to come down and identify the car. They told him the thief had also been charged with possession of the marijuana they found under the back seat, even though he swore up and down that it wasn't his. The owner of the car had stashed it there.

filmcup

He ain’t got no ‘Tegridy

The-Gamers-TG

Hehehe

godsutters

Made me laugh, take this upvote.

Mark_Twayne

Then maybe, you should chill out and smoke some weed yourself.

Norsecircus




Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears. (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

Show Top Comments

That’s fucking terrible.

gebmille

After a moment of silence, she farted.

PyropeTheHutt

r/Darkjokes

Engineer-Poet

I had a hard time upvoting this.

MolecularPotato

Upvote for properly using “hanged”

TheRealBobbyC




A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"  After a moment of silence, he farted.

Show Top Comments

Wait, did you just add a fart to a classic joke?

artyhedgehog

The last sentence was so fucking random and stupid, it made me laugh...

TheRealOttomanCat

I like the part where he farted.

Ragnarok8888

The second punchline made it for me.

theservman

I know this joke, but the second punchline seals it - Bravo sir

JoeyJoeJoeRM




Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes Something inside me says yes.

Show Top Comments

No hard feelings?

SirX86

Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery... ...to my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

yaboynatan

just shut up and Phuket

juicearefood

My Thai girlfriend died last night. She had prostate cancer

Joseph4820

Yes. Source: I live in Thailand.

CosmoCress




Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result? (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

Show Top Comments

and just like the last person to get the most votes, it will be going no further.

Textipulator

He earned it himself too

notajedimaster92

I think he has accepted the challenge to be the first ever impeached president to be reelected. I know this doesn't go well on reddit but he has a pretty good chance of it.

Exuri

Because he thinks in-peach-mint is a type of holiday pie

hydromobile

They found another box of votes in Broward County. Impeachment is now 1143 - 2

PM_ME_ANYTHING_FUN




A woman was angry because… (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”

Show Top Comments

That’s ducking funny.

DrC8H10N4O2

Plot twist: he is lying because no store would be selling bread at that time. So he is really going to see his lover and took a loaf of bread home later from the lover’s house.

nd1online

That’s it....... no more fresh jokes left on this planet 🌎

AsifSuburban

I love this joke! It was really funny when I read it on this same sub yesterday.

Scrotumicus

Wasnt this here before like yesterday but with and elderly couple?

Shifty__K




My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes Its like I had never seen herbivore

Show Top Comments

When she said she didn't want to eat meat anymore she just meant yours.

tutoredstatue95

It was a big missed steak.

iknowthisischeesy

This sub has become r/puns. Lmao

shampoo_and_dick

My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian. For example, she's not my girlfriend anymore.

wknight8111

She has also lost interest in your sausage.

DreadMoor




AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich? (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes Oops wrong sub

Show Top Comments

r/lostreddi--oh wait...

jonitfcfan

You're the asshole. For making me check which sub this was.

ThatGreatGuyBen

Good joke. But yes, yes you are.

wills_bills

Holy shit. Best reddit joke I’ve seen in so long hahaha. This is amazing.

Camperkyle

So meata.

toowittytoquitty




I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" "No" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

Show Top Comments

that was cold

bilal_08

would also fit r/darkjokes

saskir21

dang.

zafre3ti

That hurt me a bit

TheFutureLooksGrim

lol

vojtasonic




My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two

Show Top Comments

My missus asked me if I could sleep with anyone in the world who would it be? Sarah from work was not the correct answer.

Danielmp007

Never ask your girlfriend to choose the threesome candidate, because she might say “Dave”.

MrDagon007

When my wife asked me about having a threesome for some reason i thought i would be part of it.

thygreyt

Nice joke.. I once had a girlfriend who said she was interested in a threesome with her best friend. I had to say wonderful but I could not be there because her best friend was my sister and I did not want anything to do with that. We eventually found another friend to join us, it was fun but a whole lotta work and kind of a letdown. 2 years later she met her now husband and since they have been together happy for 30+ years.

RedditVince

Is the joke supposed to be that you shouldnt tell her youd have sex with more than one of her friends?

mooshoomarsh




Fox News Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt Orchestrated By Democrats To Unseat President (12/16/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

Show Top Comments

I believed it for a moment

SalsaSavant

Totally ate the onion there...

ZebulonPike13

This looks like it could be a real headline tbh Like, I wouldn't be surprised

-h-e-c-k-

They say it don't be like that but it do.

SorcerousFaun

“At press time, Democratic candidates had announced the suspension of their campaigns saying this kind of divisiveness was not what America needs right now. “ Ouch. Hits too close.

abusepotential




My wife complains that I have no sense of direction (12/16/2019) ~ Jokes So I packed up my bags and right

Show Top Comments

You gotta go left cuz it ain’t right. Amirite??

jazzbuh

Two wrongs don't a make a right, but three lefts do.

Dixiewreckedx99

Do that three times and you will have left.

jh937hfiu3hrhv9

Take my leftvote

RayInRed

I don't know where she's coming from.

Dr_Mime_PhD




The Stories In ‘The Flintstones’ Are Powerful, But They Probably Didn’t Literally Happen (12/20/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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"probably"

StrongStrong04

There is so much footage though?

peoplebeforemoney

Haven't read the article but I've always been confused about why the Flintstones celebrated christmas when the events of the Flintstones are alleged to have happened before Jesus's birth

Hotzspot

really makes me think

DONGPOCALYPSE

I look to them to draw inspiration, but I don't believe the things they describe literally happened.

BarryTheMasterOfSand




Adam Driver Storms Out Of Grand Canyon National Park After It Rudely Echoes His Voice Back To Him (12/18/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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Now this is funny, and I understand why Driver walked out of that NPR interview.

BarryTheMasterOfSand

I understood the story to be that Adam had clearly expressed in both interviews his distaste for it but Terry persisted regardless.

kris_to_the_tin

Landmarks are so rude these days...

Umbrione

Oh get over yourself Johnny depp

wnfakind




Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister (12/15/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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ONN videos are always worth a rewatch.

Goliath_The_Rooster

"...has helped police sorting through hundreds of girls who have turned themselves in thinking they might be Jessica"

Aloranax

I was drawn in by fat men getting mammograms earlier. What has the internet done to me.

Machinedeadhead

Sarah to friend Sarah: “OMG I thought you were missing!” Sarah back to friend Sarah: “I know right! I thought you were missing” Sarahs: “So where’s Sarah?.. I thought we were going to meet her for brunch. She such a little bitch. Let’s go without her.”

lasssilver

Damn. Sick HuffPost burn at the end.

MrGMinor




Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes It was an ether/oar situation.

Show Top Comments

What did you choose?

longcatisshort

I have never been this angry at a joke before.

TheLurkingMenace

Canoe tell us which one you chose?

DadJokeBadJoke

Mine said they were going to use propofol. I said you aren't going to Michael Jackson me are you?

itsmeok

r/inclusiveor where y’all at?

obviousburner42




A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him (12/16/2019) ~ Jokes “I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

Show Top Comments

Juan does not simply become a president

RayInRed

Juan nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all

DreamSequence89

Juan won one!

LenyAK

Seems that kid wasn't another brick in the wall.

ktka

If I wasn’t stealing my neighbors WiFi would’ve gave you a silver tbh

f0rsesh0t




Supreme Court Overturns ‘Right v. Wrong’ (12/19/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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Not gonna lie: The institutional knowledge of this sub of The Onion's vast scholarly archive rivals any other sub (edit:) on any other topic.

Goliath_The_Rooster

So what does making to wrongs mean now? And does three rights make a left still?

Nach0Man_RandySavage

Oh, started reading, and was like Antonin Scalia? Is he making laws from hell or something?

sakezaf123




Facebook To Allow Changes To Privacy Settings If Users Guess Word In Locket Worn By Mark Zuckerberg (12/17/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

Show Top Comments

Lizard

conrad42069

Is it love? I think its love

Somelebguy989

Smoked meats

goofusthegreat

It’s just a picture of himself cut into the shape of a heart

sp00k3yac710n

I didn't know the onion had a YouTube channel and I don't think the birth of my first child will fill me with as much joy as this has

EtherLuke




Me: Mom meet my girlfriend. (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.

Show Top Comments

Okay, this really got me!

masterdude94

Years ago, my best friend boyfriend went to her father to ask her hand in marriage. The father said, 'you do know she's a bitch, right?' ​ They've been married over 20 years now.

geekboy77

That happened to me once a LOOONG time ago.

rvail136

This actually happened to me.. my mom actually did this to me when I introduced her to my girlfriend. Damn !! Got me right where it hurts.

Chedup123

Explain

Biztruffle




It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods. (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes It was harder to deter gents.

Show Top Comments

I used to be addicted to Tide Pods... I'm clean now.

TheEnKrypt

I'd say this is totally wrong, but then I'd have to eat my words.

anakay83

Replace "girls" with "ladies" and you've done it.

redditorperth

Take my upvote you clever bastard

sewerrat1984

I saw this same joke on here like yesterday

justinc74




Poll Finds 54% Of Americans Approve Executing Trump But Leaving Him In Office (12/18/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

Show Top Comments

... Same.

Wallitron_Prime

Zombie Trump: I promise to eat the best brains, the yoogest brains. Only i can eat the brains, not Eric or Tiffany or that one son of Melania.

AynsofChoshek

It's Robespierre time 😎😎😎

anangrysoviet

Send him back to Canadia

Swim-boy-swim

...as an example for all future Presidents.

yottalogical




GOP Turns Dozens Of House Democrats Away From Impeachment For Failing To Provide Adequate Voter ID (12/19/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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For a moment, I ate the onion. This doesn't even sound that farfetched considering how things have been.

Therandomfox

He ded

U-GO-GURL-

Can the Democrats actually do this to Republicans for the Senate vote pls?

SarcasmKing41

Fucking repost Edit: can I get more downvotes? I’m not even mad, that’s amazing.

DoNotWasteYourTime




What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes Hailing taxi's

Show Top Comments

Being alive.

CptnRest

Stepping in a poodle

crazedtrekkie

That would be uber bad!

Big_Bri_Guzzi

Shitting porcupines.

slider1010

Ok fine have an upvote.

StormtrooperMJS




My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. (12/16/2019) ~ Jokes Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.

Show Top Comments

I'm sure he has a talent for finding bugs.

vickeu

During or after intercourse the female spider will tie the male spider up and eat him whole which I find kinky

sock027

Did he have a silk tie? And long sexy legs 😱

smiddyquine

Building relationships takes leg work

bria9509

It’s a trap

jcmatthews66




A Life Unfinished: Stephen Hawking’s Estate Just Revealed The Genius Astrophysicist Died With Only 91% Completion For ‘The Witcher 3’ (12/17/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

Show Top Comments

F

Crested-Auklet

Damn

StrongStrong04

r/gamingcirclejerk Upgeraldos to the left.

Nach0Man_RandySavage

Why is this so goddamn funny

sarahchacha

Was that a good game? I’ve been playing 2D indie games besides ps4 division 2, Sekiro is very very very fucking brutal

6ynnad




Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants? (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?

Show Top Comments

I mistakenly read it as "gay at the grocery store" and wondered what he was supposed to do with the eggplant.

vartha

Eggplant #2: Holy Shit!! A talking Eggplant!!!

akirbydrinks

not bad, kid, take an upvote and keep at it. you got potential.

doowgad1

Guy: Because I am uncomfortable to put a talking eggplant up my butt.

duckly_ugling

Then the eggplant farted.

murphanduncas




An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are on a train (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes Door opens and a beautiful young woman sits into their compartment. After a bit, while crossing her legs, the woman accidentally farts. She goes red to the tip of her hair so the Englishman gets up and says: "My apologies, madam, gentlemen, my lunch disagrees with me" After a while, the woman accidentally farts again. The Frenchman shoots up like a rocket and says: "Gentlemen, please excuse me, my lunch disagrees with me". Then the russian gets up and says: "I'm going out for a fag, if that bitch shits herself - it was me".

Show Top Comments

Sounds like my ex....

allmight1st

This is the first thing on reddit in a long time that actually made me laugh out loud for a good 2 minutes.

TheChosen0neHs

A new one to me! Bravo

FinnCullen

Alright I'm hella dumb it seems. Can someone explain?

Thatguyj5

Russians dont use a Fag term for a cigarette

lbj23_dpb




C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.

Show Top Comments

Thank you for bringing this to the attention of the staff.

No_Song_Orpheus

The most elaborated pun I have ever seen

TheAkwardKid

this joke is ritarded

damisone

My brain hurts! As a musician and fellow piano player I gotta appreciate a good joke like this.

LamisIsGood

I had to read my clef notes on music to understand this.

filmcup




My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end, (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes but a lovely finish.

Show Top Comments

Nailed it

Ampedrosa

Very polished.

GarySteinfeld

That one really resin-ated with me.

vitaesbona1

Not for lacquer trying.

Sundance1908

My friend died falling into a vat of molten optical glass. I've never seen such a spectacle.

Maik-El




Why does Waldo wear stripes (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes Because he doesn't want to be spotted

Show Top Comments

This is like the holy grail of dad jokes.

Haggisboy

I haven’t heard this before. Take an upvote

radioactive_koala

Wait. Where’s the joke?

CGPsaint

but really it's because he's a criminal broken out of jail

ThomBraidy

This a repost dating back to times before the age of reddit

CubyChris




‘How Bad For The Environment Can Throwing Away One Plastic Bottle Be?’ 30 Million People Wonder (12/17/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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I thought the onion published satire

Motalux

fuck Greenwashing.

druminor

Sad attempt, Onion. As if consumers have any control over the plastic bottle industry. Consumers are weeks late in the product chain. It is statistically impossible for consumers to control the output of plastic bottles. Millions and millions of us would need to make a concerted vendetta against specific bottle producers by not buying seemingly random and myriad products which use that specific plants bottles. If you are going to make a shit joke, at least eat something healthy beforehand.

Panda_Mon




A mother is concerned that her son isn’t making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away. So he would buy a new car on loan and intentionally not make the payments. When the repossession company would come, he would let them take it, and then threaten to sue them in court. He would rough himself up a little bit, and the company would settle outside of court; they would pay for the car to avoid getting a negative reputation. "That's smart son, but what makes you think you'll be successful here?" "That's easy. Repo sting for car, ma!"

Show Top Comments

The ways of a Redditor. Good.

RayInRed

> Reposting for karma If you're slow like me.

WhiteSpock

Adding this to my list of signs of aging; 1. Not knowing what the current popular music is and not caring. 2. Having no idea what the latest memes are and not caring. 3. Having to think and re-think about jokes to get puns.

treetown1

This. This is the best pun of 2019

netwoodle21

Booooo

fall3nmartyr




A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?” (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”

Show Top Comments

And your confidant Jimmy is also my son

YEGscoopie

This is new for me, this is awesome, this is exactly what I will tell to my son if the day comes.

DeadChaCe

You sir, get an upvote.

rootsfiend336

Little does he know that the boy isn't his son and his confidence is misplaced, much like his wife when he's at work.

thereisnospoon35

and now you're my confidant

juicearefood




If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.

Show Top Comments

I dont have a dollar, but you can have an up vote.....does it work the same?

japroct

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme, I'd have as many dollars as you could probably have if you checked out this referral URL and signed up for quickstart guide.

AlphaWhelp

Probably fewer updoots than you might think, but at least you get be your own op.

GarrAdept

/r/antiMLM

randomkeystrike

Where do I put my feet?

tenser_loves_bigby




An idiot has a mirror in his closet. (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops “Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!” A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can. “Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”

Show Top Comments

IMO a better version of this joke: A woman gets pulled over for speeding. The officer asks for her license, but after rummaging around in her purse she doesn’t seem to know what she’s looking for. “You know,” says the officer, “the little thing with your face on it.” The woman looks at her pocket mirror and sees her face so she hands it to the officer. After looking at it the officer says “Oh my mistake ma’am. You’re free to go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

Look_to_the_Stars

Get off the stage

TheGalacticMilkman

Sometimes a joke just lands at the correct time and this was one of them.

anoitdid

This would also be a perfect Sven and Ole joke

ThaneOfCawdorrr

What an idiot*matic* way... hahaha

joezwinky




There is a new restaurant named Karma (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve

Show Top Comments

Shitty restaurant. They serve only one thing. Just desserts

mad_chatter

Do you pay afterlife?

NegativeError3

Thats pretty good

biiiiigZ

That’s a *fair*ly good pun

koshki5

just-ice is a dish best served cold.

Skydawne




I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses… (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.

Show Top Comments

I got asked to be a Jehovah's Witness but I told them I hadn't even seen the accident.

Big_Bri_Guzzi

I once heard that if you invite Mormon missionaries into your house and try to convert the new guy, they’ll blacklist you. Shitty life tip? You decide.

Ritehandwingman

I never heard this one.

wilsonism

I was brewing beer in my garage. Talked to them for about 20 minutes before they asked what I was doing. They left soon after and I haven’t seen any since. That was 5 years ago

bazookajoe1985

What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel and a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door and tells *you* to fuck off.

BelgiansInTheCongo




Missing Teen’s Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates 🧅 (12/18/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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🧅

SlovenianCat

God this reminds me so much of a certain circle of dudes in my local lgbt scene that it's uncanny. I always wonder, why do these grown ass men try so hard to emulate sociopathic middle school queen bees? Like that can't be their real personality... right??

meadowcake

This is so well acted and edited.

RyanOnRyanAction




A man walks up to a bar and sits down. He puts a frog on the bar next to him. (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "what's with the frog?" The man looks at the woman and says, "this is my pet frog. He's very special." "Why?", asked the woman. " Well, I've taught this frog how to pleasure women orally." The woman laughs, but the man is serious. After more drinks the woman agrees to let the man prove it. So they go out back to the man's car, the woman drops trou, and the man places the frog between her legs and tells the frog, "Alright buddy, go to town." The frog just sits there doing nothing. "Come on, man. Don't be shy!" Still, the frog does nothing. "This is your moment to shine!" But the frog doesn't move. So the man picks up the frog, looks the frog in the eyes and says, "This is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this!!"

Show Top Comments

And that’s how the man got herpes

samoanwarrior22

Haha.

Who-took-my-namee

I really like the term "woman drops trou". Sounds classy as fuck

melted_Brain

Well done lol

VeniceRapture

This is a classic.

suzaman




My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF? (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.

Show Top Comments

So few can actually get into the bucket.

lexicatt

*holds up spork*

eversaur

At least there will be a white Christmas after all!!

meursaultvi

More than he usually gets.

vitaesbona1

Well now santa can give little timmy a younger brother.

Qu-qi-bing




Wait for it (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says: "Hey. Why the long face?"

Show Top Comments

You went through all that trouble just to make "walks into a bar" joke? Take my upvote

RDRana

Fucking hell I hate you.

kerbless

I'm in a dilemma whether to upvote or downvote.

-Griever

I laughed. Better than all the fucking one liners

AtomDChopper

I read a 5 thousand page essay for that, I hate it so much I like it. Like I want to be mad but really can't, well played I guess, ya got me.

CapriciousA




A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says, (12/21/2019) ~ Jokes "What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".

Show Top Comments

This made me laugh for a good couple of seconds. lol

RealRomaine

I’ll try really hard to remember this one.

biggulpshuhasyl

i dont get it.

Solomon_Ally

I remember that this joke was super popular back when I was in elementary school

PhyrexianSpaghetti

W-w-w-would you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to uh, l-l-l-like to b-b-b- (sigh) b-b-b- (sigh) b-BUY this b-b-b-bible or would you like me to read it to you?

Up-The-Irons_2




Three logicians enter a bar (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."

Show Top Comments

I told my 8 year old this joke and he laughed and I said you didn’t get it. Then he explained it to me. Later he told his 3rd grade teacher. She didn’t laugh.

boardgamejoe

I'm too stupid to get this joke..

t3ddan

Do we all want to vote this up?

bedrooms-ds

1: Possibly 2: Probably 3: yes!

knowsjack

Three XORs walk into the bar. "Do you all want beer? No No Yes Great, three beers coming up.

Daveinatx




Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is... " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,...It's burning.. This is going to hurt... It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap... you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"

Show Top Comments

I know this is a nitpick but does it bother anyone else that they put "our PANTS" instead of "OUR pants!" in the punchline? It puts the emphasis on the wrong word and makes it sound *really* weird when you read it in your head. Again, a nitpick, but idk it just really sticks out to me.

theinsanepotato

ive never seen this before... Am i that new????first joined reddit around april 2016 btw

kindlepaper7

An oldie but a goodie

dullmomma

ELI5?

Nickoalas




I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree. (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes It's the thot that counts.

Show Top Comments

Lady on the streets, crazy in the spreadsheets.

Kesht-v2

It’s the gift that is and isn’t whoreable.

weirdbacon

I also get fucked by my accountant at the end of each year, but I'm sure it's not as pleasurable for me as it is for your buddy.

SirX86

Reminds me of that time when I hired that Bangkok prostitute to do my taxes while I fucked my accountant.

pspahn

Haha actually lol'd at this one

FuckCensorshipByMods




Two Jehovah’s Witnesses die and go to Heaven. (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers... "Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."

Show Top Comments

I have had only one experience with a Jehova's Witness. It was in my first apartment. I had a studio/efficiency so the living room was the bedroom and I had a futon. This was shortly after the first Gears of War game and my step brother used to come over every day to play it online. One day while we were playing, I get a knock on the door. My step brother peeks out the blinds and tells me, "dude, put on a shirt. It's a girl." At this point, I just assumed it was the older lady apartment manager and said screw it. I opened the door and saw this young and incredibly attractive girl. I immediately became ashamed of my pasty, fat, hairy torso and hid behind the door. So all she could see was my naked shoulder, my disheveled hair, and another man my age sitting on my bed. She didn't even try to give me her speech. She just handed me her pamphlet and said, "I'll come back at a better time," and I never saw her again.

Chrispeefeart

waiting for a actual JW reply and mention that “only the 144,000 as mentioned ~~cherry-picked~~ in the book of revelation will only be going to heaven. the rest of mankind will live on a paradise earth!”

RobotConvert

Face-palm..

BarcaFanMGL

😐

ABeanHeadass

r/exjw

Venesss




Never assume what your friends have been up to (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”

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Puddles gonna get stuck with the bill.....again

Leftygoleft999

Great joke, but I'm concerned that not enough of our youths know who Huey, Dewey and Louie are.

metaldutch

This one brings back memories... Last time I heard this one, it was in Mandarin about kids who loved to eat, sleep and hit “stuff” (東東), with 東東 being the nickname of the last kid.

yellgrass

Did Puddles just order a stiff one after all that? Darn, he's unstoppable

pelleke

Nice

illdude41




Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” (12/16/2019) ~ Jokes And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

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Ctrl C + ctrl V

-_ellipsis_-

You repost you lose

Ringless_Gyges

Ctrl-V

KidAstronomical

Ha ha. My daughter just got her yellow stripe in Taekwondo. I’m totally show this to her teacher.

Gendo_boy

InB4mainfeed

AliasTersus




How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ? (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes Add Spring Water

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Wat er you talking about

Over-used-name

I can actually imagine a guy screaming at a poor retail worker because his waterbed wasn't bouncy even after putting spring water in.

HaroerHaktak

Jello

Flux83

r/LifeProTips

mazes

r/dadjokes

giantfood




As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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I got a good chuckle out of this. Thanks.

jakiray6

This has never been posted before has it

SaintTNS

And then the engine farted.

itisgandhinotghandi




TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached. (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes Now millions of people can breathe easier.

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...you haven't heard about Australia yet, have you?

fitzGwahir

Ima give you an up, but also think this would be a decent post for r/showerthoughts

Dimsby

Politics?

AJBScout

But Trump isn't impeached yet.

TheObjectified

And both events achieved nothing.

abrown28




I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. (12/16/2019) ~ Jokes So we stopped playing chess.

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... and banged, right there on the chessboard

PM__me_ur__something

Let the best computer win.

suitcase88

Also OP: Let's go smack my bishop!

i-opener

And then got *Freakkay*?

prettyfly4aporkpie

*Rambles at you in Bobby Fischer*

AjayEich




Bang bang (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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That old man's got some spunk in him

omegaljr1997

I’d say a breaking ball’s coming - Alex Bregman

Anton-LaVey

This is actually possible. The tenth president, and then his son, both did it. So there is a person currently alive who can truthfully say, "my great grandfather was the tenth president."

doe_gee

I explained this last time, can somebody else take a turn this time around. I am in a little bit of a hurry.

michaelInnovations

I dont get it

_iCrAzYG4M3R_




I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

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You got a chuckle. I shall give you an upvote

mattdr1990

She your boo

bria9509

I like that one! Imaginary internet points for you!

burningice322

I'd give her the boo

Big_Bri_Guzzi

That’s the spirit!

Joejayce




Two old Jews are walking past a church (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes A sign out front reads, "Convert to Catholicism, get $20." The first Jew keeps walking, but soon notices his friend has stopped to take a closer look at the sign. "You're not actually thinking about doing that, are you?" he asks his friend. The second Jew turns back and says, "I don't know, twenty dollars is twenty dollars." He goes inside the Church, and comes back out about thirty minutes later. "So," says the first Jew, "did you get the twenty dollars?" The second Jew turns to his friend and says, "Oy, is that all you people think about?"

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lol

sugarcube_14

Awful on so many levels.

BranIsNeo

So i laughed already

2theWelkin

Idiot here, what's the joke?

kevinthepalma

The suicidal Jewish pilot who crashed his plane into his brothers scrap yard

altorealto




My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!” (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.

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Nice

Ckhero1

Haha wife bad

_nsb10_

Noice

Yakob5




Sex with a robot is awful… (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes He just nuts and bolts

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I didn't know my dad was a robot

Bonwil_10

Scottie, I need more lube.

thephantomnose

Hol’ Up,

ThermicDude

Sex robots are the future, change my mind...

ThatGreatGuyBen

Banjo and Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts

Random_Reddit_Boi




Anal sex is a lot like my first car… (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.

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Uncle's are like Mexican food, the bad ones hurt your asshole

Indianfattie

I love an edgy joke that's actually funny!

RyunWould

Ouch

purpleinthebrain

Must be an american thing. My uncle never gave me a car.

SutMinSnabelA

MORE UPVOTES FOR THIS JOKE.

Owlmoose




I once dated a girl with a lazy eye (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.

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She doesn’t deserve you if she couldn’t see what was right in front of her.

MDan25

She was a teacher but couldn’t control her pupils

satoshipepemoto

I guess she was quite the looker!

Common_Commenter

I see what you did there. ​ Better keep an eye on her.

filmcup

When i confronted her, she couldnt look me in the eye

thygreyt




The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.

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"I did not have sexual relations with that man...Putin... wait... that's not right... what was the question? My genius EXTREMELY HIGH IQ got in the way of my AMAZING hearing. That phone sex with Putin was PERFECT!"

mutt337

Kind of reminds me of this one: whats the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver? A screwdriver turns in screws and Bill Clinton screws interns.

lutk78

It's a stain on your country for being so bloody racist and mind-boggling stupid to elect a retarded reality star who has turned out to be the worst ,most corrupt POTUS ever! Congratulations you idiots should be so proud of yourselves. 🙁

harleydavidso4

He’ll have his cleaners clean it Or his builders build over it.

Ladfromnw

Bravo! A humorous, non-partisan joke.

Bad_Spellar




A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. “Don’t you have any luggage” asks the security agent. (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes The photon replies. "No I'm travelling light".

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Then the photon farted.

ScaredSkelly

I see what you did there

Samsiems

Made me exhale loudly. Thanks for lightening my mood

Hicksmix

And then he waves goodbye

Firstjman

Then the particle waved goodbye.

uneekbunny




In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision (12/17/2019) ~ Jokes I can see it clearly.

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As a teacher I know this joke will dilate my pupils. The cornea the better when it comes to puns!

olddoc1

Don't make a spectacles of yourself.

DadJokeBadJoke

Didn't see that coming

AlphaBhop

I got the joke but am unable to see what you are referencing about?

AnotherSimpleton

Teach us pupils the way for 2020

SufficientResponses




Boeing Rebrands 737 Max With Flame Decals To Attract Risk-Taking Badasses With A Death Wish (12/17/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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Even adrenaline junkies say “No to Boe” -ing, that is.

BlasphemousToenail




The titanic went down in 60 seconds (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes Let that sink in for a minute

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Two hours, forty minutes, if anyone is curious.

dgamr

that's a cool nickname for your mom

ThomBraidy

Fun Fact : All the pools on the Titanic still have water in them!

ToxicityBlack

I did not see that coming

JuiceBoy42

...just like my wife. Only goes down for 60 seconds.

thygreyt




You know why black people love watching sports? (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.

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A racial joke without hate that I haven't heard a variation of before? Very nice.

saltinstiens_monster

Dude I love this. It's racist without being offending.

KingHill2x_

I honestly can't tell if this is racist or not.

Nezeltha

How about: "You know why black people love watching sports? The same reason white folks love the history channel, they are always making records. "

mydogclimbstree

We still have curling.

alex61821




I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like: (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes "Back in my day, it was Monday".

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The shortest-lived creatures on the Disc were mayflies, which barely make it through twenty-four hours. Two of the oldest zigzagged aimlessly over the waters of a trout stream, discussing history with some younger members of the evening hatching. "You don’t get the kind of sun now that you used to get," said one of them. "You’re right there. We had proper sun in the good old hours. It were all yellow. None of this red stuff." "It were higher, too." "It was. You’re right." "And nymphs and larvae showed you a bit of respect." "They did. They did," said the other mayfly vehemently. "I reckon, if mayflies these hours behaved a bit better, we’d still be having proper sun." The younger mayflies listened politely. "I remember," said one of the oldest mayflies, "when all this was fields, as far as you could see." The younger mayflies looked around. "It’s still fields," one of them ventured, after a polite interval. "I remember when it was better fields," said the old mayfly sharply. "Yeah," said his colleague. "And there was a cow." "That’s right! You’re right! I remember that cow! Stood right over there for, oh, forty, fifty minutes. It was brown, as I recall." "You don’t get cows like that these hours." "You don’t get cows at all." "What’s a cow?" said one of the hatchlings. "See?" said the oldest mayfly triumphantly. "That’s modern Ephemeroptera for you." -Terry Pratchett, *Reaper Man*

Wadsworth_McStumpy

Wat

anxiousbeef

This is probably more of a r/Showerthoughts post but I laughed regardless.

RedSkull315

Mom when will supper be ready Five minutes,love Ugh!!

CaramelBurrito980

"There I was, deep in the shit."

Kernoonus




Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent. (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes So instead, a subreddit.

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i hate you <3

CodzillaEU

I like this!

Theholynun

r/angryupvote

awkwardkg

I loved this so much when the OC was published yesterday

Scrotumicus

take my damn upvote

tobesin




My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM… who does that?? (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet

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A guy walks into a store with his dog. (12/15/2019) ~ Jokes The manager sees him and says, "Hey, you can't have your dog here, you have to leave!" The guy replies, "Oh, don't worry, this is a talking dog, watch. Hey Rusty, how does sandpaper feel?" The dog says, "ruff!". Still, the owner kicks them out. On the walk back, the dog says, "Fuck, I should've said 'like sand'."

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I've heard a longer version of this joke: 'What does sandpaper feel like?' 'Ruff' 'What covers a house?' 'Roof' 'Who was the greatest baseball player?' 'Ruth' Dog and owner get kicked out, dog says 'Should I have said Gehrig?'

Bumbaguette

nice

funkmaster322

I hate sand.

RayInRed




I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it. (12/18/2019) ~ Jokes I think I managed to cover my tracks.

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If she finds out you’ve been playing with toys then she won’t ride your rails tonight

it_could_be_me_1027

I see that you too are trained in the art of stealth.

Ronnoc527

you're never too old to play with trains

suckmysquidpeen

Seems you had a loco motive

funnywhensunny

Technically you covered up HIS tracks.

Poncherelly




A man beats his wife. Eventually she kills herself. This leads him into a serious depression and he kills himself. His suicide note reads: (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes If you can't beat em, join em.

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Why on earth would anybody beat their own wife? It's not like there's a wife shortage.

Kurogane666

take my upvote and leave

nobody384

It's weird how it got super dark, and then it was just a pun. Very jarring joke. Gave me a strange chuckle.

Abnorc

And you thought of that all by yourself?

steve_gus

His name was NOT Jeffrey Epstein.

ToolRulz68




Me: I’m afraid of random letters. (12/21/2019) ~ Jokes Therapist: You are? Me: [confused screaming] Therapist: Oh, I see. Me: [screaming intensifies]

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I am giving up drinking for a month. (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

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I've decided not to drink any more. I'm not drinking any less, but I'm not drinking any more.

HereForAnArgument

I only drank twice last week. Once for 3 days and once for 4 days.

MDan25

Dad pls

alex_png

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

DadJokeBadJoke

I'm giving up drinking for a month. Drinking one day at a time instead.

Marcdepuma




Increase Your Cognitive Ability By Reading A Fucking Book For Once (12/21/2019) ~ The Onion

Read the Story

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Dear The Onion, What did I ever do to you?

1stDegreeBoo-Urns

I'd rather not

Gamer-_-Bro




You’ll never guess who I bumped into in the glasses store (12/20/2019) ~ Jokes Everybody

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This is the best one I've seen in months. Thank you OP.

wixxxrrr

Awww

dustmouse

Got a solid "heh" out of me. Nice one op

juanana

Sorry I’m so high rn what’s this mean

teagenmn




What happens if a cow drinks her own milk? (12/19/2019) ~ Jokes It goes in one end and out the udder.

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I hate you for making me laugh at this

GamingCoconut

I can't tell if I hate you or love you

big-ol-Jim

Its cow-nabilism

BatchThompson

It starts producing sterslized milk afterwards?

KindSox

Mooroboros

Dudephish