Opinion

If TVs had volume in decibels instead of arbitrary numbers, it would not only prevent unexpected loud scenes, but also teach everyone how loud a decibel was. (12/11/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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A decibel is neither loud nor soft. A decibel is a ratio. Commonly sound wave decibels (dBA) are rated against the softest sound that a human can hear (0 dBA).

Lure852

I just want a button on the remote that's like... a half-mute that I can press when suddenly I'm in the middle of a nuclear test in my living room after two people were gently whispering to one another and I had the **audacity** to try to hear it.

xSTSxZerglingOne

Most receivers use decibels below full output as the volume measurement.

Slay_Ride_Fun

Really there should be a way to select a "max volume" and a "min volume," and the TV would adjust the dynamic range accordingly. For some movies it's fun to have a large dynamic range, but for other things that are dialogue heavy I'd rather keep it tight to I don't miss anything.

BrianSnow

Half of the sound editors should be shot. I don’t need the action scenes to be 3 times as loud as any dialog. Edit: Don’t @me BestBuy audiophiles

uncertainusurper




A popular saying is “Nothing ie ever lost on the internet” but what is something you have been searching for years and you haven’t found it yet? (12/11/2019) ~ AskReddit

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An antique roadshow episode where the appraiser asked the owner if they had cleaned a priceless Milanese helm they responded "I hit it with a lil lemon pledge" and the appraiser visibly shivers.

Battle_Claiborne

There was this game on windows 3.1 similar to the board game "life". You allocated time each day to studies, work, and rec in order not end up a bum on the street or dead.

TundraTofu

All the shitty fruity loops music I made in my early 20's that was on Myspace.

aaronappleseed

Around 1999 I had borrowed a digital camera from school and took a lot of pictures of friends and stuff. It was back when people really didn’t carry around cameras except for special activities. I remember uploading them to my brother’s university Unix shell account to share with some people, but when he graduated and that account closed I lost access and didn’t have any backups. Really wish I still had those photos. Nobody has them.

ISpewVitriol

What color is Groglyn Gray? Grandfather always talked about painting his house "Groglyn Gray," but I can find no reference for it.

Back2Bach




What do you want for Christmas? (12/13/2019) ~ AskReddit

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114 awards what the fuck is going on here

mo95z

A 500 pieces puzzle, not much, but I would love to make a puzzle and clear my mind. Edit: freaking wow... Thank you so much guys for the awards.. Also I'm from a pretty small country from Eastern Europe, unfortunately Amazon doesn't work here..

ciucuras102

To the mods: I didn’t do this, Please don’t remove my post. Thanks.

AkivaE

Big tiddy goth gf. I'm a straight female in a relationship, I've just heard a lot of good reviews.

manlikerealities

There’s some rouge kid with their mom’s credit card sorting by New and handing out 100s of rewards or something. I already saw a post with 78 awards and this one has 115.

CouldBeSteve




LPT: Keep inviting that friend who always says no (12/11/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

keepthetips

even better is to invite them twice. "hey wanna come to dinner with us?" "nah it's okay, I was gonna eat at home" "you sure? it's half-price burgers tonight" "okay yeah I'm down" there's real psychology behind the fact that people will turn down a single invitation, but if you ask them again right after they say no they will feel like you actually want them to go and you weren't just being nice. i see there is some misinterpretion going on. I'm not saying there has to be a sale going on for you to do this. it is simply extending that "you sure?" or "come on, we won't be out late" that makes people feel much more welcomed and less of a burden. y'all don't have to take everything so damn literal for the sake of your argument

easynektar

On the other side of this, please respond to invites!! I am the person in my group who organises everything, and it hurts when any of my friends just ignore messages I send. I get that people are busy, I get that sometimes replying can be hard mentally at times, but you feel like you're just bothering people eventually. It can affect you mentally to feel like you're just annoying someone. I have a friend who is like this. We do a Christmas dinner every year, and I organise over 20 people. This friend is usually bad at responding, but this years it's been 6 weeks of me sending regular messages to find out if they're coming, them reading thme and not replying. I have reached out to others to check their mental health is okay, and I just get "yeah they're fine, just busy, but they're coming to the dinner". It's upsetting that they can't take 20 second to send "yeah I'll be there" or "sorry I can't come but next time for sure!" You can't even do that? After a while, honestly I wonder why I should bother if that person can't bring themselves to send a one word message?

Whapwhaaap

On a side note, don't let a Reddit post decide of your own relationship boundaries. If you've had enough of this person always declining, stop inviting them and move on.

banuo

LPT for the people who turn down invites. Let us know you appreciate the offer. Also give us an answer sooner than later instead of saying “maybe”. If I invite you and you always say no or maybe I’m going to stop eventually if I get the feeling you aren’t interested. Friendship is a two way street. I don’t expect you to hang out but if I’m putting in all the effort with no appreciation then I’m gonna stop.

Legeto




People who pile on generic YouTube comments like “Who’s watching in 2019”, why do you do this? (12/13/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I don't do that anymore, but back when I was a kid and new to YouTube I did. All of these kids probably want some form of attention in the comments but don't have anything original or informative to say EDIT: Damn this really blew up, thanks for gliding me. **One more thing I shall add, knowing that most of the people making these comments are children; maybe try not to be aggressive towards them. Perhaps they'll grow up and start making good comments, knowing that they're already on that path. Trust me, it ain't fun being 10 years old and having grown men calling you an attention whore because of your comment.**

krustythekklown

Because they're 10 and new to the internet

TrisomyTwentyOne

“Who remembers when the comment section wasn’t a calendar”

__jana

Because it's 2019. Wait till next year and this won't happen anymore.

thePersiKe

i like the "this artist is so underated " comment. especialy when is about artists who were big stars in their day.

redditorial_comment




Youtubers who specialize on “reaction videos” exist to fulfill our fantasy of showing a video to a friend and them reacting like we want them to. (12/12/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Ahh, so there is a reason.

Rkivr

Remember when Fine Bros tried to trademark the term “react”?

prawntoast1

When you show a real friend a video that you seen someone react to: Just like in the simulation!

KimidoHimiko

I feel like that's the exact same (or one of the) reason(s) , why the whole "Let's Play/Gameplay" genre exist (with entertaining commentary). Or why Podcasts and Twitch-livestreams became so popular in the last years. People feel lonely. Think about it.

Repa24

Unbox coffins

Hitlerism




If sexual experiences were like trading cards what would be your rarest card? (12/12/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Sex while scuba diving. Horrible fucking sex, but definitely a rare shiny card.

TwinMugsy

Sex in a bounce house.

NYDon

faking an orgasm as a man

TheChosen0neHs

Sex in my office during work hours..

thewhorse

Gave my boyfriend his first to-completion blowjob, and he came so hard it almost came out my nose.

sai_gunslinger




If “Bullshit” means fake and “Batshit” means crazy what do the other “shits” of the animal kingdom mean? (12/9/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Dogshit: terrible. Edit: Holy shit, over 50,000 upvotes for a two word answer! That's the dog's bollocks! Also, I have no idea if I used that term right, but I read it in the comments and I like it!

De-Nomolos

Apeshit - Going crazy Horseshit - same as bullshit

askreddithoe

Chickenshit = coward Edit: what the fuck Edit 2: *who the fuck*

noisnoisnois

Green as gooseshit = naive or inexperienced

safT1st

Cat shit still means cat shit.

iarentgoodatpersons




It’s gotta feel so good to moo as a cow. Probably feels really good to moo (12/10/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I don't know what to do with this post Edit: You know when you're watching gladiators fight to the death in the Colloseum and Ceasar holds up his thumb and the crowd goes wild and he dramatically turns it up to let the loser live?

Djennuz2

Did the edibles kick in?

Diesel_Daddy

i too have an unexplainable urge to moo

hitlersnoodles

I think being able to purr would be pretty fantastic as well.

dragon_jak

This is my kind of shower thought

fraccyforest




LPT: if your child does something (like cleaning) out of the norm, don’t ridicule them for it. Positively reinforce it. (12/10/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

keepthetips

Related: if a child makes a spontaneous effort at chores, don't harshly criticize if they don't do as skillful a job as you. When I was a kid I'd try to help around the house, only to have my mother complain I hadn't done the job well enough, and she'd usually do it over again "right" while I watched. Later she couldn't understand why I was so afraid to try something new or that I knew I wouldn't be good at, but I learned early on that failure was bad and it was best to not try. My own kid loves to help. And yeah, when she folds a towel, it's a little lumpy. But I thank her, praise her for taking initiative, and put that lumpy-ass towel on the shelf. She gets better as she gets older and her manual dexterity improves, and I show her little tricks to make chores easier without making her feel bad. Hopefully I'm breaking that cycle

fakedaisies

I was a shy kid and this same thing applies to when people are over and your awkward 12 year old slinks into the living room to sit down and join the conversation. OHHHH WELL *HELLO* LOOK WHO'S GRACED US THIS AFTER*NoOoOoOoO*N. Like okay I'll fuck right back off then, thanks.

Much_Difference

Holy shit. I never realized, but this is exactly why I have anxiety with cleaning. My mom was like this to me when I was younger. Nowadays, I have a hard time cleaning unless I'm the only one home and I'm constantly searching for someone, anyone to just say "thanks" or "wow, looks nice".

ClearMyFuckinShit

Plus psychology literally shows that positive reinforcement works best in getting someone to repeat behavior

PikachusMom23




When you sneeze and someone says “bless you”, you gain the “blessed” status buff for the next 20 minutes. What does it do? (12/9/2019) ~ AskReddit

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You have a 20% increase in likelihood to locate a lost item

goofygooses

+5 percent luck. Can stack if multiple people bless you.

KuteKuddlyKitten

+3 Holy Damage

DubioTheDubious

Stops you sneezing again.

Ketomatic

Mario Kart Star Power

marchese51




Ugly Sweater Parties have gone from being good for the environment (repurposing old sweaters) to bad for the environment (cheap tacky sweaters mass-produced for the occasion). (12/12/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Clothing is right behind plastic. Filling up landfills at incredible rates

wahakas

Haha haha you spent $40 on a sweater with reindeer banging on it. Hilarious!

jerkITwithRIGHTYnewb

You can only get authentic ugly sweaters at thrift stores. Pretty sure thrift store ugly sweaters are the equivalent of straight to VHS/DVD movies. Just skipping retail stores.

riinz

Fuckin for real. Every holiday is another reason to fill a landfill. Nothing is actually special anymore.

MrsMiyagiStew

The problem is if you wear an actual ugly sweater to a party for a contest you will lose out to these prefab hack job lighted sweaters that in some cases are cool and not ugly. It’s bullshit.

Dontstoptill_ya_dead




The farther away you can wave hi to someone, the closer you are as friends. (12/11/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I literally waved at my sister from across the street and didn't wave back, later when I told her she said "oh it was you? I couldn't see shit without my glasses"

Pyraptor

-waves at friend in another state-

hmm_yes_

Not always the case, I was waved at while ago outside for a break at my workplace. The garbage man caught me casually observing and waved. I was polite and waved back. Now he's constantly in my office "getting coffee" once a week trying to ask me out

kabes222

Provided of course you aren't blind or suffering from any number of eye ailments.

Just1morefix

The farther away you can wave hi to someone, the better your eyesight is.

Kingmace




People who grew up with MySpace in their early teens kinda got a freebie in terms of your first major social media profile basically being wiped away (12/12/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Not just with MySpace. AOL chatrooms, AIM, Angelfire, LiveJournal, all the old message boards, Napster...we really got the free trial of the internet. Did you ever find a full, unaltered, newly-released, HD movie on YouTube in time to watch the whole thing before it got taken down? That's basically how we had the whole internet. Crazy to think about. Edit: I realize that it's still possible to find things on the internet now. That's not the point of this post and I've already responded to that comment over and over. There's no need to be the 400th person to point it out.

talkintater

Weird to think so many kids (myself included,) were the first prototypes to engage in a post-social media word. (We are the product.)

LilyElephant

I actually went on some site called pimp my profile to download the code to decorate my MySpace page. I’d change my song every other day and log onto a tracking website every day to see who looked at my profile. I don’t miss it.

AelsklingShu

We also had to learn HTML. Granted, most people's pages were broken or at worst crashed your computer. But my HTML was on point.

01110001010

My first was Xanga...I’m so very glad it’s gone into the abyss

littlemissbookwrm




For being fluent in over six million forms of communication, C-3PO would definitely suck at sign language. (12/12/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Sure, and all along everyone thought Yoda was just some gimpy-limpy old grump who could never fight. Then came the flips and shit. Maybe 3PO moves the way he does to conserve energy.

Spajtastic

His arms are like that so he can’t be a threat, he can move his arms freely like a human if you remove the inhibitors as well as the plate on his armpit. Since he is an ambassador droid they need to make sure he can’t pose a threat to the VIP’s he communicates to

helpmestallin

What about body language

spegatiiquack

I mean, communication can be any type. In one of the old Legends comics, C3PO could not only speak, but communicate through physical connection and such. But again, he literally cannot move his arms fluidly, so...

RevanchistSheev66

Someone didnt watch "Return of the Jedi"

smotstoker




LPT: Drag and drop YouTube links into VLC Media Player to play the video without ads, and be able to use all the features of VLC on it (12/12/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

keepthetips

Well fuck me, an LPT that is actually useful and not just someone preaching about how people should act. This is like the second or third LPT I've found to be actually helpful.

bowyer-betty

Laptop is too far away to check this one, but you're a literal hero if true.

dweebhunter

Interesting. I use an adblock, but what features does VLC have that make this worthwhile?

eccentricbananaman

Ublock Origin gets rid of ads too

MythrilElf




20 years ago it was exciting to go online and talk with someone from far far away. Now it’s exciting to go online and find someone who happens to live nearby. (12/13/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Gosh I just love *insert local burger joint*

2000504

I think it would be dope to have friends from other countries (or friends at all amairite guys?)

perfectbluee

apparently there are sexy singles in my area

Betamax-86

I learned most of my English when I went to mIRC. It was so novel to me to be able to talk to Americans then learn that not all English speaking people are.. Americans... ​ I met someone in mIRC who lives in a boat in London a decade ago and found him here again (a year ago) doing an AMA. Who would have thought...

katsu_kare_raisu

I thought it was pretty cool to find people nearby even back then. When I was in middle school I played a text game/MUD and coincidentally a pretty substantial amount of people were from within the same ~50 mile area or so. We made a clan and were pretty close friends all throughout highschool. We did a group meetup at a dennys once and it was about as awkward as you'd imagine a group of 10 teenage text game players would be. Over 35k hours sunk into that game (I continued to play it into/after college)...but at least I kind of had a social life because of it? I guess...

ababyducky




It’s funny how people who get a tattoo receive comments like “that’s for the rest of your life”, while people who are getting a baby don’t (12/8/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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You can destroy both with lasers.

LegoSkywalker

How does anyone make a baby last a lifetime? Mine only last one meal

Pinoc1

The difference is there's no tattoo protective services that will come take your tattoo away if you treat it badly.

spekter299

Can't push a tattoo out of the nest after 18 years. You also can't go out for milk and never come back to a tattoo.

AlexKewl

People *absolutely* get warned that babies are for the rest of their lives, when they talk about wanting babies. The thing is by the time you learn someone is pregnant, the time for those comments has usually passed.

loljetfuel




People who say they “give 110%” are often criticised on the grounds it’s impossible to give more than 100%. Yet it is possible if the percentage is relative to outside expectations. Eg. if the target is to sell 100 items and you don’t stop until you’ve sold 110, you just delivered 110%. (12/9/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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If you were capable of selling 220 you've just half-assed it.

somethingisaskew

Fair. Though the common idiom refers to giving 100% of ones own effort.

Oudeis16

Imagine if waiters gave 110% when pouring water

Gary_October

Math is a bit crazy sometimes and the wording is important. If your target was to sell 100 and you sold 110, you've sold 110%. But these 110 items are also 100% of what you've sold. So if you're expected to pour every bit of energy into your work, you can't go over 100%, but if you're expected to do a certain thing and overdeliver and go out of your way, you've absolutely worked 110 %.

MissAsgariaFartcake

This is why you are a door to door salesman and not a mathematician.

doubleflusher




What’s the best way to waste $100? (12/11/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Lend it to that one friend, don't worry he'll definitely pay you back this time.

_thebeard_

Turn it into a $100 gift card, now you've limited your options

couchpot4to

Put it all on a single number in roulette. You'll probably lose, but you've got a 1 in 37 chance (38 if you've got the double 0) of getting a fat return.

bowyer-betty

Send it to a Nigerian prince.

Muppet_Cartel

Use the 100 dollar bill as a candle for your dinner

Mrs-Manz




Mall Santas of Reddit, what is the weirdest thing a kid asked for Christmas? (12/8/2019) ~ AskReddit

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After waiting two hours in line my daughter asked Santa for a hot dog.

Simulated_Narwhal

Reindeer eggs so he could start his own franchise.

v00g

I'm a teacher. I had one of my most difficult, obstinate, button-pusher kids come in at recess to talk to me. He said he was worried he would not get what he really wanted - to be a real elf, move to the North Pole and make all the presents. He had tears in his eyes and was the most sincere I had ever seen. Made me really appreciate how hard life was at home; he just wished for a way out.

bwatching

Many years ago a small girl would not tell her mother what she wanted for Christmas. Mom told me the problem and I was to tell her after the kid jumped off my lap. The little girl hopped up and told me she wanted some make up and some tits.... ok now I have to tell mom.

LPGeoteacher

My uncle was a Santa and he told me that one year a kid asked for a coffee maker because he wanted to start his own Starbucks coffee stand instead of a lemonade stand. Apparently business was not very good as a lemonade stand but he noticed a lot of adults drink coffee, so he'd make coffee. That kid is probably a millionaire now.

The_Calico_Jack




Gamers of Reddit what are some good quotes from video games? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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“No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I literally do not have the energy to lie to you.” Edit: Game is portal 2

jorolelin

"Did you ever try to put a broken piece of glass back together? Even if the pieces fit, you can’t make it whole again the way it was. But if you’re clever, you can still use the pieces to make other useful things. Maybe even something wonderful, like a mosaic. Well, the world broke just like glass. And everyone’s trying to put it back together like it was, but it’ll never come together in the same way." — Moira Brown, Fallout 3

SiddarthaM

"If I'm wearing a bikini, where do I put my pokeballs? Teehee...woman's secret." Thanks Pokemon.

Obstetrix

"The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world."

PM_ME_UNUSED_STEMCOD

"Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: "A horrible person." We weren't even testing for that!" "Don't let that horrible-person thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep." -GlaDOS: Portal 2

oskiokk




Toothpaste commercials are dubbed so badly so you pay attention to the actors’ mouth/teeth (12/10/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Toothpaste commercials are being dubbed? Am I missing something or is it region specific?

DolevBaron

Finally a real shower thought

The2AndOnly1

That's.. fucking genius

Raphpro390

So...examples?

ShutterBun

I was not aware toothpaste commercials were dubbed so badly, or even at all. Do you mean in other languages?

ShounSwan




What’s something small you can start doing today to better yourself? (12/9/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Be aware of the narratives we make up in our heads that only cause distress or anger. An example of what I mean: "My friend hasn't texted me for 3 days, she must be growing tired of our friendship!" More likely is that your friend is simply busy.

sp00kyfun

Cleaning your surroundings.

Cappa_the_Sage

I cleaned my room for the first time in 6 months yesterday and honestly a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel so much happier. 10/10 would recommend

spicygirlnextdoor

Donating/throwing out/selling old stuff you no longer use. Also, cleaning out your fridge.

mallowmonster

Allocate time more directly to maintenance of my body and home: I lost 100 lbs this year. All due to diet. I could be a lot healthier if I added 30 minutes of exercise. Then there's my house, after I lost my wife I had a lot of trouble motivating myself to clean and now certain rooms are really needing it. If I could allocate even just an hour a day to it I would eventually be able to get back to regular maintenance rather than feeling helpless every time I open the door to one of those rooms. Lastly, reading. I desperately want to get back into it and I've succeeded a couple times and loved it. But college broke my spirit of habitual reading and I'm not sure how to get it back.

Crenzi




They say love is blind. What other emotions have disabilities? (12/14/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Anger is deaf, you cant listen to reason

with1n0id

Depression is mute   Edit: for everyone saying Depression isn't an emotion (some of them surprisingly rudely)... de-pres-sion noun 1. feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

varthalon

Pride is tasteless

centrismhurts998

Arousal has extremely poor impulse control.

Candy_Cake_Jen

Justice is also blind. But she can smell your fear.

ScorpionsRequiem




What is something in your search history that you are ashamed off and it’s not porn or hentai of any kind? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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How often I have to look up normal words to make sure I have spelled them correctly.

De-Nomolos

I searched “is Google down?” on Google.

silentNightSky

"Why did I pee myself? Not pregnant or old" Edit; thank you everyone for the advice! No, I've never had kids, yes I'm a woman, no I wasnt asleep, I didnt even feel the urge to pee. I just all of a sudden *was* I kind of just decided to ignore it for now and will go see a doc if it happens again. I'm glad my top voted comment is about peeing myself!

lionheart07

I ran a mile today as fast as I could and then googled to see what the average person is supposed to be able to do. Found out that I'm 50% slower than expected for an "in shape" 50 year old. I'm 34. Edit: posted this right before I went to sleep, woke up to over 100 notifications. I've never had more than like 10 before. Will start replying, guess I wont be bored today! Edit2: the FAQ edition. -I should clarify that "run" is probably the wrong word. I cant run the whole time, its brisk walking with bursts of running -Im on a treadmill set to its maximum incline setting for the purpose of making it harder -The time was 15:01, narrowly missing my goal. -Goal isn't actually to be good at running, just trying to improve aerobic endurance so that I dont get winded at whatever sporty activity I decide to do on a given weekend.

jcforbes

I’m a health care provider. My google search history has symptoms and diagnoses. Yeah, sometimes I google your symptoms, too.

dallyingberet




If you have given the chance to start your life over at age 11 right now, but still keep all of your current knowledge and memories, would you? Why or why not? (12/9/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I'd be one cynical 11 year old...

Dont_be_a_Passenger

Do I get the option again once I reach my current age? I'd hate to go back, make things worse, and then be stuck like that. But I'd love to sign up for a multi-decade Groundhog Day scenario.

UncleTrustworthy

Yes, but really so I can spend more time with some people who have died. EDIT: My first ever gilded comment! Thank you whoever did that 🙂 and hugs to everyone who’s replied. For something so incredibly common, grief is uncommonly cruel.

gingerwhine

Yeah ofc. I would get a chance to actually make friends, hide that body properly, and not get bullied. PLUS huge stock market gains.

Paricia

I could win SO MANY middle school arguments I've replayed in my head for years.

spudmcloughlin




What common joke would you retire from the human race if you had the chance? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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“Is there anything else I can get for you?” “Yeah, a million dollars!” Ha ha ha ha yes hilarious, I wish I was dead

doyoulovethebeatle

"can I do [literally anything]?" "I dunno, can you?"

MostlyMarshall

as a waitress, someone whose finished their entire plate "I hated it, harharhrharhharh" Edit: speaking of obligatory things people say... thanks for the silver strangers, and I’ve never understood when people said this, but I do now... RIP inbox...

cheesyenchilady

In sweden we have Du tappa något! farten.... which means you dropped something, your pace.

Mo-Mezher

Any joke involving being back at work Monday morning. But instead of retiring them I’d prefer they be put up against a wall and shot.

Col_Walter_Tits




People who were in a coma, what change surprised you when you woke up? (12/12/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I was in a coma for 4 days. When I woke up everyone was talking about the baby boy I had. I had lost my long term memory and didn't even remember being pregnant. My son was at the children's hospital in the nicu. I delivered him via c-section at 29 wks. All this was due to me having Crohn's disease, (i found out after i woke up) my colon had ruptured during my pregnancy. My husband said I was talking like a child when I first woke up. When I woke i felt super tired, but then the next few days, kinda restless. I remembered one conversation my mom had with a nurse while I was under. After a couple of days I got my long term memory back and remembered everything up until my 2nd surgery then nothing until I woke up. My son was my 3rd surgery. Edit: so my son was what surprised me.

PennyCundiff

Back in the '90s, my great grandfather had a stroke. He was in a coma for 3 weeks, and when he woke up, he could not speak english. All he could speak was the Choctaw language. He had learned it when he was a kid, because his family lived right near a choctaw reserve, and he played with a lot of those kids. He spoke it fluently at that time, but forgot it over his life to where he couldn't remember any of it by this time. This went on for around ten days, and then he woke up from a night's sleep and could suddenly speak only english again, not remembering a word of choctaw. He was also able to repeat verbatim every conversation that had been held in the room that he was in.

GoldH2O

I was in a coma for nine days. When I woke up I was still on a ventilator. When they took me off the ventilator, my body didn't remember to breathe on its own. I literally had to relearn how to breathe. Took me a few days. I had no natural sense for how long or deeply to inhale, how long to hold it, how long to exhale. I had to put all my mental focus towards breathing. It was really weird. Edit: For all the people wondering how I slept, I didn't, for the first couple days. If I dozed off, my blood O2 monitor would start beeping and wake me up, then a nurse would yell at me from across the ICU to remember to breathe. I couldn't talk because I'd had the tubes down my nose and throat but I remember one time I woke up, really exhausted, to that damn beeping. So I started focusing on breathing again, but I was really angry about it. My nurse came running over yelling at me to breathe. I glared at her, and screamed in my non-existent voice, "I. AM." She must have read my lips and felt the rage because she just put her hands up and said, "All right. All right. Good job," then walked away. Anyway. Shared that because I've never had the opportunity to before. My ability to breathe normally was back within a month or so, and my health is good nowadays so I wouldn't say it had any permanent effects.

DROPTHENUKES

My mom was in a induced coma for 3 months. When she woke up she thought the hospital was trying to kill her. She tried to get out of bed and she fell on the floor bc she could not walk. She was mostly freaked about how her feet had lost their form. They were humped over from not being used. Every muscle she had to learn again. She couldn’t talk well or write at all. She has different hand writing after re learning. She said she hated how perfect her hands looked. Her nails and cuticles were perfect and clean from not being used. I remember trying to brush her hair after she woke up. Almost all of it fell out. She almost died pretty much every day she was in her coma. She had sepsis from a diverticulitis surgery gone wrong. A lot of her hair has grown back and she can walk but has brain damage that makes her seem very drunk. She is always dizzy. But it’s been 5 years now and her recovery has been miraculous. Thank you all so very much for the love! I can’t wait to tell her of all the people here are rooting for her! She’s going to be so happy! And to who ever gave me my first gold, it’s an honor to earn it for my mother, truly. Thank you. It’s also going to be good for her to hear how much of you went through similar things and ended up with brain damage. She won’t feel so alone. I truly thank each and every one of your comments! Much love to you all.

CherrySlusheez

A good friend of our family went into a coma for half a year. Finally when he woke up, he was stunned why his wife looked so old. He actually lost the last 15 years of his memory (he knew he had 2 children but they were babies and he didn't even know about his 3rd child). And the memory never came back. He skipped from no mobile phones to smart phones, to laptops. Everything was new to him. Being stuck in early 90s but actually being in the 2000s,there was a lot of change to handle. But learning you missed all your children growing up, was the hardest for him

BsNLucky




Men wear trousers even though they have stuff hanging between their legs whereas women wear skirts which allow for free movement even though they have no dangly bits. (12/14/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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But some dudes have big danglers so that might cause problems.

Maaannn11

The worst part is you can SAY a man can wear a kilt no problem, but unless we all wear kilts, not one of us can wear kilts without drawing unwanted attention.

DaSwayza

We can trade but you get no pockets.

grumpygusmcgooney

I've always wanted to wear a sun dress. They look all comfy and flowy. I want to spin in one.

Drew-

And ancient Greek, Roman, Fijian, Saudi to name a few. Modern western men are the exception. A lot of culture do and have seen the wisdom of skirts or dresses on men.

justine_fuller




[NSFW] If your gender was flipped and you remained the same level of attractiveness in the other gender would you have sex with yourself, if yes, why? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I'd have to. Nobody else would.

GarbledComms

I've been having sex with myself since I was like 13. No reason to change it up.

Isthisinfectious

Our personalities wouldn't be very compatible tbh

Thorneto

I'd be female, then, and that hits all my standards so yes.

Gyrovague_Greyling

Yes With the boobs I have now, just imagine what it would be if I actually was a woman.

chubbytuba




Mechanics of Reddit, what’s the dumbest thing you’ve seen someone do to their vehicle? (12/8/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Had a customer once who had their oil light come on and couldn’t figure out how to top the oil up. He thought it might have worked like his boat motor so he poured a jug of oil in his fuel tank.

Ejgee

The list is long. Removing PCV hose, assorted vacuum lines, O2 sensor, etc thinking they are going to get better performance. Cutting a wire under the dash to hook up a stereo. Then bringing the car to me to fix the tail lights. Pouring 3 quarts of oil in but the dipstick still shows low because they put the oil in the radiator. Putting gasoline in a diesel truck...again.

Missanonna

Did a co-op at a shop back in high school, guy complains about how his car doesn’t sit straight. We pull it in and don’t even need to put it on the lift to realize that he has 17 inch rims on one side and 15s on the other. Took me about 45 minutes of explaining to him why cars aren’t made like that before he told us that he’d be taking his business elsewhere. On a side note the side with the 15s were 100% bald, like racing slick bald and everything in that car was falling to pieces. I have too many stories of shit I found in peoples cars there, but this one has to be my favourite.

lsmrzz

Let me tell you about diamond plate guy and Focus bro. Diamond plate guy had two things he used to modify his truck: A drill and a ton of diamond plate. It was an absolute base model V6 Ram 1500 with the exhaust chopped off, which I thought was bad enough until I opened the hood. He had drilled or glued diamond plate to EVERY flat surface. Air filter box, Intake manifold, fan shroud, etc. This was 18 months ago. My eyes still haven't recovered, but this isn't the end. He had some crappy wheels that he had painted white himself. I know this because he painted the inside of the wheel where it seats to the hub, which caused them to seize to said hubs. I literally had to buy a bigger hammer to smack them off. Focus bro: Guy had a custom straight pipe, full Sparco race seats, five point racing harnesses, lowering springs, and...a base model, automatic Ford Focus SE.

DaJohnDude

Worked as a car cleaner at a dealership one summer in high school. Guy towed in a relatively new, top of the line Corvette he had bought there sometime before I started. He was pissed that it had died on the road and been running like shit before that... Ranting and raving about he spent all this money and it only went X months/years before completely breaking down. One of my work buddies got it up on a lift and started looking it over. He opens the oil drain plug and NOTHING comes out. He pulls apart the engine and the oil could now be best described as glue. Owner talks to the guy and asks when the last time he changed the oil was. Guy had zero idea what he was talking about - he had no idea that you had to do that. He assumed you just added gas and that's the only thing you needed to do. The engine was a complete loss, which meant the car was a complete loss to him. Edit: clarification

Zebov3




We live in a age that takes nothing serious but everything personal. (12/9/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Who the fuck are you to tell ME I take nothing serious. Seriously...

ItsOnlyaFewBucks

Except for my friend Mark. He takes everything literally. He’s a kleptomaniac and I’m depressed.

kieranjackwilson

That's a pretty fair assessment.

Gotcha_friendo

Right in the societal gut

Dc2k4

We live in a society

lebowser




What last minute gift for Christmas is always a winner? (12/9/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Last year i put hundreds of the best rock music on a USB for my dad to listen to in the car. It was the night before Christmas. He uses it everyday still.

TheBrotherhoods

I feel like snacks for stocking stuffers are always a win with me. If my wife is reading this please give me bbq pringles please for my stocking.

CarminesCarbine

Cold hard cash baby

cuhcuh416

Homemade cookies. One year I was particularly broke and decided to make everyone Xmas biscuits. Felt a bit stingy as I didn’t really spend anything on it (had all the flour, eggs, spices etc already at home and only had to buy a single chocolate bar to make choco chips) but people LOVED it and now ask me for them each year. I usually personalise the flavours or ice the person’s name/something they like on them. For one friend (who loves warm cookies) I gifted a log of cookie dough and cooking instructions, that went down pretty well. Edit: I always had eggs since I had a few pet chickens at the time. The fresh eggs made great gifts too!

ididitforcheese

Bag of batteries with a note saying “toy not included”

streakystronky




What is the best NSFW Christmas joke you know? (12/12/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.    “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.    You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells” . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”    The man replied, “They’re Carols”

sparrowlasso

Why did the snowman drop his pants? He heard the snowblower was coming by

perkispowerhour

Why is Santa’s sack so big? He only comes once a year!

tater_69

Long ago there was a very hectic day at the North Pole getting ready for Christmas Eve and Santa was having a tough time. It seemed nothing was going right and The Claus Man was stressed. So an Angel seeing this thought she would help and went down to a forest and brought back a great looking Christmas Tree. Just as Santa finished dealing with another sleigh loading snafu the angel shows up with the tree and ask Santa showing him the beautiful large tree, "Where should I put this?" . . . . So that is why we have an angel on top of the typical Christmas Tree to this day.

AnnInnocentMan

Bert the Brown Nosed Reindeer - he could fly just as well as all the others. He just couldn't stop as fast.

Cmdr_Toucon




LPT: If you feel that a conflict is emerging, seize any opportunity to change the form of communication (e.g. switch from e-mail to a phone call) (12/13/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

keepthetips

This is how a carrier pigeon saved my marriage.

The_Head_Shrinker

There is a downside though: if you switch to phone and it blows up and turns into a he said/she said you won't have a paper trail to prove what was *actually* said.

teakwood54

Mugger pulls knife: Give me your wallet! Me: Can we move this to ICQ? Mugger: oh man I use to love ICQ! Did you know it stands for I Seek You?! Me: no way! Mugger: Could you do AIM instead? Me: AIM? You didn't have friends growing up, did you? Mugger: No... Me: I'll be your friend! Mugger: okay! Let's go mug that guy over there! Me: Okay!

Butwinsky

Great post! I believe that your #3 is particularly important as the modality is often the source of the conflict. I once used the word "complicated" to describe something discussed in a meeting. The word "complicated" upset one of my coworkers. Once we talked I understood why it did. My mentor had a rule: If more than 3 emails have been exchanged (Me to you, you reply to me, I reply to you...) then my last reply will ask for a good time for us to meet in person or talk on the phone.

goodgodzilla




Before a child is born, the parents spend so much energy hoping that their baby is normal. Then after it is born, they hope it grows up to be something special. (12/8/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I just want my kid to move out by 30 and not to be an asshole.

theberge55

I'm really hoping my son grows up to be Shrek.

DJ__Hanzel

They want them to be born normal and grow to be special, not born special and have to become normal

berriobvious

Normal physically and mentally, special as in ninja skills. Big difference there sport.

Adassan

Than it turns out to be special ed

slaveknightgael3




If traveling through different dimensions becomes a real thing we will be severely disappointed by the fact that most dimensions will have only very slight change such as a blade of grass moved one atom to the left instead of right (12/11/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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After using the Dimension hopper 3000 Jim was disappointed and decided to return it for a full refund. "This thing doesn't work, I must have used it a hundred times and nothing happens, everything is identical. I'd like my money back please." "No problem sir. Just a moment." The cashier said politely. The cashier scanned the barcode on the machine and frowned. "I'm sorry sir, but there's no record of you purchasing this machine in our store. Are you sure this is the location you made the purchase?" Jim looked confused. "Yes I'm sure. I just bought it here yesterday. *You* sold it to me, don't you remember?" "I'm sorry sir, but I don't remember you. And there's no record in our system..." Jim's eyes widen. "It... worked?" He looks around the store. It was so similar, but it suddenly felt different. "Nevermind! I guess I don't need to return it anymore. Seems to have worked after all!". After he left the store the cashier laughed. Another satisfied customer.

Procrastinare

But what if that slight change happened, like... 200 million years ago? Butterfly effect, man. Things could be wild.

GerrieKoolwater

The best episodes of sliders is when they go to a San Francisco that seemingly is normal in every way until they find one small thing that's completely crazy. Or the one episode of Star trek where they go down to this planet and it's like paradise on Earth... Everyone's fucking everyone's eating have a great ol time and then Wesley fucks it up for everyone.... Fucking Wesley.

Milkshakeslinger

In fact according to some you are routinely sliding back and forth between very near realities without realizing it.

Jactus12

If Rick and Morty has taught me anything about interdimentional travel it's that these dimensions are the real gems because you can resume your life there with little difficulty/asjustment after destroying your own.

Davidjhyatt




Roombas keep your house cleaner by forcing you to constantly pick your stuff up off the floor so the roomba doesn’t get caught on something (12/8/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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the roomba is training you

cientmnt

I suddenly love roombas ten times more than I already do, **I want to get one as a pet and feed it bread crumbs or put a nice bow on its head.**

Isekaiism

Also roombas clean up the 90% of space that takes you the 10% of time if you do it yourself. The 90% of your time is spent on corners and places the roomba can't go.

MinFootspace

Man. I love my little Roomba.

daddychainmail

As I read this I've just has to ask my Alexa to turn off "Mr. Roboto" as he's got stuck on my bath matt while doing his morning chores. First World Problems 😂

buzzcauldron




Police officers of Reddit, what are some laws that you feel uncomfortable enforcing because you disagree with them? (12/11/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Arresting homeless people. We usually just bring them in but forget to file paperwork on them, so they get a warm bed, a breakfast, and no record

Galemianah

So here is one that bugs me. John leaves the bar feeling OK, gets in the car and starts to drive home. During the drive he realizes that he's drunker than he thought, or his BAC is still ramping up from his last drink (yes, you can be drunker a half hour after leaving a bar). He makes a decision to not drive the rest of the way home and pulls off the road at a rest stop or a parking lot, puts the car in park, turns off the headlights but leaves it running to listen to the radio, run the heat or AC, whatever, moves the seat back and starts sleeping it off a little. IMO at that point he is not driving while intoxicated, he did drive while intoxicated but realized he was impaired and stopped. Maybe a PI if he's obnoxious or was obviously severely impaired. I argued with my instructor about this, the goal is to not have drunks on the road, the drunk got off the road on his own. If we pop those people for DWI, the lesson learned and retold to all of their drunk friends is, "If you start to drive drunk, don't stop, keep driving, all the way home". Of course it's ideal if they Uber or have a DD, take a cab or public transport but I'd rather have people who went a little overboard comfortable with the idea of getting off the damned road as soon as they realize it than thinking they have to make it all the way home or get a DWI. Then they hit some family car with a baby in the car seat.

atsinged

It's not a specified law as such, but in the UK people can use "reasonable force" to protect themselves, others and property ect. Obviously everyone has their own interpretation of what reasonable force is but I remember going to one job where a bloke was sat on his couch with a beer watching TV when a drunk bloke has just walked straight into his living room via the front door. A confrontation ensued and the drunk trespasser had become aggressive and a fight ensued. Long story short the trespasser was given a proper shoe-in, so much so he's ended up in the street where he has then called the police. We attended and his injuries were substantial enough that the house occupant was arrested for Grevious bodily Harm (GBH) and it most definitely rubbed me up the wrong way in being involved in that job because I totally sympathised with the guy and felt any of us would've probably done the same thing if we were in his position.

KingStannis93

Traffic tickets. I'd pull people over, give a verbal warning about whatever dumb or unsafe thing they just did, check for warrants and let them go. I got funny looks for the blank spot in my work card where the tickets were supposed to go, but since it's illegal to officially or unofficially have a quota system, it could never be used against me in my job evaluation.

FangoRocket

When I was a parking officer, there was an internal policy about not ticketing cars parked in this very wealthy neighborhood even if it was clearly an unsafe violation. They would park their trailers or small boats very close to intersections and that made it dangerous to navigate around there. Because there were too many "big wigs", we could have risked our jobs if we ticketed someone there so they decided to not have the parking officers enforce it. Edit: thanks for my first silver kind stranger! Now I wanna address a couple things. 1: My superiors expressed distaste for this policy when telling us about this, so they felt no pleasure this rule. This has more to do with certain elected officials than the police in this case. 2: I know a lot of people want me to leak this, but I have no substantial evidence to leak something so "off the books" for a local news source. We were only told this verbally once. Plus confidentiality would be a concern due to the small amount of people that are hired for this job and could likely be easily guessed on via process of elimination.

Nevets52




LPT: if you have to pay a company to work for them it’s a scam, walk away (12/10/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

keepthetips

This was exactly how I put it to some family members who are heavily involved with a MLM scheme (Lyconet). They talk about themselves as “entrepreneurs” but I point out that if you have to pay a subscription in order to work it’s not a job and if you’re part of a larger business then you’re not an entrepreneur. Edit: yes, it’s not a perfect definition. Maybe I need to add that it‘a a scam if one of the main products you’re selling is your own job. To appease the family, my wife signed up as a non-paying member. That led to them pressuring her to find other people to sign up, to the point that she found excuses not to see them. They put profit before family.

analoguewavefront

Its kind of a red flag when literally EVERYONE who "applies" gets hired. Crazy how some people don't realize that its really the company that is applying to you to "hire" them, and making it seem like its the opposite.

briancole22314

Some job ads recently have seemed fine, but they ask you to attach a "personality test" to your resume. Your job application will not be accepted without it. When you go to the "personality test" website they specify there's a free option...which does not work...(We both tried it several times) and a $50 version. At this point I advised my sister not to apply for the job. ​ Also, some job "ads" are actually from marketing companies collection super-detailed info on applicants...your name, address, phone, age, gender, email...which they then sell to marketers. The job doesn't actually exist; they make their money harvesting and selling your info.

TheDevilsAdvokaat

yeah what the fuck I tried applying to Wag Walker and they wanted a cool non-refundable TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS to """process the application""" with no guarantee of getting the job AND they didn't reveal this caveat until AFTER I had given them my information as well as several friends' emails for "recommendations" yes I'm still mad

LetsGoJojosPizza




You have a mental countdown for the remaining number of times that you meet someone. At 0, you know that you won’t ever see them again. How does that change your interactions with others? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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sounds horrifying. imagine seeing a low number on someone you really expect to spend the rest your life with. or a high number on a guy you cant stand

chocopinkie

This is perfect if you are a pickpocket in a busy subway!

kebabsoup

Imagine this, you're on your deathbed, all of your friends and family are gathered around you, with each ane every one of them at 0. you assume that means you are going to die here and start to prepare yourself for death, when out of nowhere, a man you have never seen before walks in, with his counter at 665.

Fitzgamer999

At 0 I won’t say “see you later alligator”

areaditor

In a way it would be liberating to go somewhere and see a bunch of zeros above people. It would be freeing to not have worry about what people thought of me, which would lower my inhibitions. I’d finally not be too nervous try things like stand-up comedy or karaoke.

goobermuslim




Technically, origami is a kind of woodworking (12/10/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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And technically, all woodworking is fiber art.

PlantagoLanceolata

Technically, we all just work with molecules

MissedFieldGoal

Technically, fapping is a kind of wood working.

Der_letzte_Baron

Prostitutes are the some of the most skilled woodworkers in history.

Walkingdead1987

Me making paper airplanes means I'm an aeronautic engineer too.

Epademyc




You are rewarded $100,000 if you avoid physical contact (i.e handshakes, high fives etc.) for a month, what do you tell people to stop them from touching you? (12/13/2019) ~ AskReddit

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wait you guys are getting paid?

validek

Just cover your entire body with clothing

RedshotOmega

Just lick your hand in front of them I’m pretty sure they’d leave you alone after that

Doggo123456_bs

Don't fucking touch me so I can make $100,000 in a month.

AstraltripSpacedance

I have the *c h e e s e t o u c h*

CalicoJo




LPT: if you’re a manager/supervisor of any kind, say “thank you” to your team every once in a while, even if it’s non-specific. Even the smallest amount of thanks/appreciation goes a long way to boost workplace morale (12/14/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

keepthetips

Even better, actually *be* thankful for your crew and their work. You're only as good as your team.

benadrylpill

Even just noticing. Hey, I noticed you stayed late. Hey, I noticed you got here really early! Hey, I noticed you didn't sob under your desk at lunch. That kind of thing. Even if it's stuff they are supposed to do. Adults are just babies. We need affirmation.

every1luvsanunderdog

I like this idea, but... Nah - be specific. Insincerity reeks. If you’re a manager or supervisor, you should understand the mechanics of your team. Of course, show appreciation as often as possible, but don’t try to flatter your way into a good relationship with your employees. OF COURSE, be generous with your gratitude, but if you’re talking to a specific team member and you don’t know their value, then your motives are suspect, and the entire team will begin to doubt your authority and authenticity.

MeridianHilltop

That's if you're a decent manager. Gratuitous thank yous every few months won't make up for being a shit manager.

TheCrankyBear




If Bob Ross was secretly a hitman, what “happy little accidents” would happen to his targets? (12/12/2019) ~ AskReddit

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*There's one body by the lake, and no one wants to be lonely so let's just add a second...*

zomboromcom

They got the devil beat out of 'em.

Drach88

Oh, our friend fell into this little wood chipper here and now our snow has some reddish tones in it. Isn’t that just gorgeous.

Birdamus

Each painting he makes would depict where a a body is buried.

mark0210

I'm imagining the woman painted gold in Goldfinger, only instead of painted in gold paint she's covered in a painting with fluffy clouds and trees.

otasan




People who have survived school shootings, what was it like? [serious] (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I was at UCLA during the shooting in 2016. It was “only” a disgruntled grad student shooting his advisor and then himself, but we didn’t know that at the time. Everyone was assuming it was a mass... I was walking back to my apartment just off campus when the notification went out that there were reports of gunshots and to get inside because campus was locking down. I finished walking home and turned on the news with some friends. I had other friends who were hiding in classrooms. The craziest part was the amount of misinformation going around on social media and in various group messages I was a part of... There were reports of more people shot and multiple shooters in a coordinated attack around various parts of campus and such. I’m not sure how much of that was fabricated maliciously and how much started with someone seeing a plain-clothes officer with a gun or something and the story snowballing from there. I called my mom afterward and she started crying. She said she hadn’t called me sooner because she didn’t want my phone to ring in case I was in hiding.

R10Ender

Survivor of the SHS shooting here. I was 9 at the time and in fourth grade. I was in the gym, and we were just going through the normal routine (i.e. the gym teacher explaining the activity and us participating) I remember it was rope climbing that day and I was so excited. All the sudden we heard a loud BANG noise, and everyone looked towards the door. At first we shrugged it off as the janitor dropping something in the hallway, but after the second and third bangs we were ushered into the corner and told to be very quiet while my teacher ran and locked the doors. We were confused but unbothered at first, but the longer it went on the more worried we became. The loudspeaker crackled on and we heard muffled voices and muffled bangs, then silence. Years later I was told it was our principal and the office staff trying to warn us, but were killed. By now were were all silently sobbing and holding hands. I remember being very scared but not entirely sure of what. Of course, a school shooting was not the first thing on our minds. Eventually my teacher told us to crawl across the floor and into a supply closet, where we sat terrified until SWAT and police officers opened the doors and helped us out. We went out one of the back doors and walked the drive to the firehouse, where our parents picked us up and took us home. That experience has changed me forever and while the effects I had initially (nightmares, anxiety, etc) have lessened, I still feel them. I and many others suffer from PTSD and I don't think a day goes by where I don't think about it. While I did not know everyone who passed personally, I have seen the toll it took on my community and feel for their families and friends deeply. RIP angels, you are loved 💚💚

commander-lib

I was a student at Virginia Tech during the 2007 massacre. I wasn't directly in the fire or anything, just a student in the dorms. It was very surreal. That morning my friends and I sat in the dorms watching the news evolve on campus. It started off saying one or two injured -- at that point we didn't make too much of the situation. I remember the newscaster saying at one point that the new updates was over 20 fatalities(the final count was 32), and we all just froze. We assumed it was in error -- it was not. As the day evolved we reached out to our friends to make sure they were okay, but cell service was very spotty. I had a very uneasy feeling that a somewhat peripheral friend of mine was in danger and tried to text her, it turns out she was shot(but survived). Another of our friends was shot and killed. The next few days were strange. Classes were cancelled and many left the campus. President Bush came to speak to us, but I'm sure even he felt helpless with not much to contribute. Eventually, they cancelled the remainder of classes and exams for the semester and we left for the year. The summer was difficult. At my summer job people kept trying to talk to me about the shooting, both coworkers and customers. I don't know why, but I felt okay discussing it with fellow VT students but nobody else, including my other friends and family. I eventually quit that job and got a new one, not telling anyone I was a VT student. Returning to school felt surreal. We did a lot of school spirit activities at football games(we are Virginia Tech, etc.) but it was definitely a different atmosphere. I felt very uncomfortable in lecture halls and whenever my mind went blank I imagined a shooter coming in and killing us. That feeling still persists sometimes -- in large groups I'll start thinking about a mass murder occurring. That day, I'll always say, is the day I grew from a child to adult. I changed in ways both positive and negative. I made new bonds with my fellow classmates but felt isolated from some other people. It was definitely the defining experience of my young adulthood. For a long time, I didn't want to talk about these experiences with anyone. Now, I try and speak more openly about it because I am trying to advocate for a better future.

DoctorKynes

I was around for Elliot Roger's shooting at UCSB. There are a few things that I remember being surprising: 1. The sense of humor. This was not everyone, but I remember a couple people making "finger gun" gestures at each other. I think this as because the event lasted a while and spread over the Isla Vista area, so there was a general discomfort wherever you were. I think people were coping with the stress however you could. Gallows humor, basically. 2. The awkwardness of trying to console someone who just saw their friends shot or where shot at themselves. If you have ever been in a social situation where you didn't know what to say, add in the fact that whatever you say might permanently affect the life of the person you are talking to. 3. Your school is now famous for this. Although this was during a time that school shootings weren't super common, so that might be changing.

arbitrarion

I was in the room when one student shot another at our high school then ran out of the building. This was the 80's so there was no lockdown procedure, we all just left the building in various states of shock. I never felt threatened, so it really didn't affect me too badly. The victim lived and the shooter spent several years in the Indiana Youth Center with Mike Tyson and one of my best friends from high school. That's a bizarre sentence for you

HomerS1314




Someone has probably taken one of those stupid ‘how are you going to die’ tests and actually died that way. (12/9/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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And in the next life they are inclined to believe whatever they see on the internet so they reincarnate as an antivaxx mom

glitchdweller

... and never lived to tell the tale

arglarg

I did once. I got better though

bruteski226

Their last thought was probably "I shouldn't have wasted my life taking internet tests"

Butwinsky

If the test result was "in car accident", probably a lot of people

marekjanik




Snakes kill in two ways: with hugs and with kisses (12/11/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Killem with kindness!!!

NegativeElmo

I like it when the wrap around me and give me a big ole bear hug. Laugh so much I cannot breathe.

Janes_Diary

But what if they swallow?

Meep_L0rd

X_X O_O Eyes when envenomed Eyes when squeezed with love XOXOXO

BangThyHead

Hugs and hisses

Shiny_Mega_Rayquaza




What screams “I’m too immature to date someone”? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Deliberately trying to make the SO jealous.

Redflatline

Their Reddit username is WeedMan420BonerGod.

WeedMan420BonerGod

Inability or unwillingness to look at problem or issue through your partner's perspective.

AmigoDelDiabla

Inability to self correct or to take criticism.

OtherEgg

Not being able to talk honestly about sex and birth/disease control.

mstibbs13




What is the best loophole you have ever heard of? (12/9/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Was at a bar. They ran a $2 shot special for any of the house stuff. I like vodka tonics though. However, those are $6. Me, having taken Algebra I twice, knew $2<$6. I ask the bartender how much she'll charge me for tonic water. She replies, "nothing". I proceed to order a $2 shot of vodka and a free glass of tonic water.

ATLL2112

A kid from my high school was about 30 seconds late to class and the teacher refused to mark him “present” and made him go sign in as “late” at the office. In protest, he went and ate a sit down breakfast and showed back up with about 5 minutes left of class with his late slip. Teacher threw a fit that he skipped class, but since he never signed in, he didn’t face any consequences

brass_buoy

For appointments that cost money to cancel with less than 24hrs notice, they often are free to reschedule within that window, so you reschedule it to a week later, then cancel it a day or two later.

amc7262

Local radio station had a contest where you call in when they play same artist back to back to win a prize. Turns out they had a "now playing" and "up next" feature on their web site. My girlfriend at the time would start calling in before the second song even came on. Won tons of prizes ranging from concert tickets to a laptop.

cranialscratch

I still use the loophole of jumping on a shuttle bus out of LAX to a parking garage(/or hotel, yes) and then calling an Uber/Lyft from there to avoid the airport prices. Brings the ride home down to $10 from $40.

prvacya




LPT If you work a desk job, have a large cup of water to sip on throughout the day. More water is better for your health and it will cause you to have to go to the restroom more frequently, getting you up from your seat and walking around more. (12/10/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

keepthetips

I call this exercise program Pee 90x

SirHerald

Life hack: if you shit for 20 min a day at work that's roughly 10 days of PTO a year they can't touch!!!

Olds77421

This is literally every single person, in every single office I've ever worked in.

Kristishere

Unless you work in a call center. They don’t want you to get up unless it’s to die.

Jehoiachin_




When was the last time your genitals have gotten direct sunlight? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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last time I peed outside and it was sunny.

Aexel7

Every morning I wake up and step out onto my shitty ass tiny balcony and test the wind, so this morning

slip__

Never... I must go now.

tits-question-mark

The benefits of living in a top floor flat mean that my dong gets a sea view and direct sunlight on a daily basis if needed

Solidfart85

Not too long ago, because depending on the hour, my living room window let the sunshine in following a different angle. During some hours I can lay on the floor and spread my testicles as a free private show reserved to the sky and thus the sun. The sun and I are like long-time friends.

backtolurk




LPT: If you’re really fucking poor, free condiments (mustard/bbq sauce/etc) are PACKED with spice and when added to hot water make a cheap, reasonably tasty base for a soup. If you already have soup, you can stretch it by using this base. (12/11/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

keepthetips

I was so poor when I got out of the military, for weeks I only had a bag of rice. I bought it cheap at an Asian market before I went broke. Free condiments was the only thing I had to put on it. I now know so much more about wild edibles. It's shocking what Americans won't eat but it totally edible.

Kyokushinmarine

How you doing now, 25 - 30 years later?

spangler1958

I know reddit overall hates christianity, but fuck, this one is so obvious: *If by any chance you become that poor, just stop by pretty much ANY church and chances are they will give you not only a free meal but also clothes and even basic higiene items.* Mustard soup... no need for that... Just ask, and you shall receive.

greyabassador

I remember boiling tomato based drinks(think ghetto V8) adding catsup to it and having it on my free cheap spaghetti noodles from a church. Better than hungry.

stliceman




People who actually like their jobs, what do you do for a living? (12/12/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Yes a question I can answer! I’m a janitor! I love being a janitor. Why? Because I have OCD!!! I love cleaning. I don’t care about poop or mess anywhere. I will clean it. I want things to shine and look amazing. I’m so happy too because I have a state job as a janitor. So I don’t make regular pay. And that makes me even happier. I feel so relieved going home knowing my building is spotless clean. Wanna know the best part? Since I clean trash a lot I find some amazing throw away. Someone threw away an old stereo and I took it home to make it into a nice decoration. Another plus side is since I clean out the recycling bin. I can take home the cans and bottles to recycle for extra money. It’s so awesome. I clean at work and get paid well. Then I go home and clean some more. Another plus is no one talks to me. Occasionally people say hi and I do too. But no one talks to me so I can listen to my favorite podcast all day!

Lusterkx2

Wildlife biologist. Long hours, shit pay, but amazing experiences that I usually enjoy waking up for.

NoWordOfALie

I am a park ranger. Just me and the trees.

whitesaab

I’m a postman. I love it! I’m outside, I’m on my own. I’ve been a waiter, sales assistant, call centre agent, car booking agent, office administrator. I’ve done my share of shitty jobs to really appreciate the simplicity, the hours and ease of the job. Granted this time of year is crazy and the weather is nasty. But damn I’ve had worse jobs!

Kaapstad2018

I've just started a new job as a planetary scientist, looking for signs of life or geological activity in the atmosphere of Mars.

holytriplem




You know you’re getting old and out of touch when the first time you hear of a popular musician is when they die (12/9/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Or maybe you just don’t pay attention to that genre. Unless it’s a mainstream rapper I won’t know any names of rappers. When Lil Peep died I was 19 and was like who?

myownfreemind

Yeah that how I felt when xxxtentacion died. When I saw his picture I was like " damn will Smith's son died!"

Mijo54321

shut up op im not old **narrator's voice** : in fact, she was getting old and out of touch just like she feared

ChibiSailorMercury

This whole post is just OP jerking himself off. We get it, you’re 23 and “should have been born in a different time.” Christ almighty. Chill.

likezoinksss

You know you’re still young when your first reaction to a popular musician’s death is to shitpost about it on Reddit 🐸 ☕️

Platinumdust05




Doctors and nurses of reddit, have you ever witnessed a couple have a child that was obviously not the fathers? What happened? (12/11/2019) ~ AskReddit

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A hospital where I was a Med student had a baby born with Hydrops, which is where a baby gets two bad copies of a red blood cell gene, one from each parent. Baby died shortly after birth. Parents came in for genetic counselling and testing revealed the woman’s husband did not carry the alpha thalassaemia gene. The couple asked what was the chance another baby of theirs would have this condition the doctors were honest and told them “zero percent”. They left it at that.

inityowinit

I'm a midwife. I once had a woman come to my clinic unannounced (she wasn't my patient but I'm NHS so saw her anyway) She had a man with her, she knew she was about 3 months pregnant but hadn't come for any antenatal care. I asked if she'd had sex the night before (she'd come in because she'd had a little bleeding) I looked at the partner as mum said yes and he said "nothing to do with me - I'm just the baby daddy" Turns out she had a new boyfriend at home, this was just the guy she'd been with 3 months before. I popped her up on the table to examine her and straight away had to tell her that she was actually about 5 months along but I would arrange a scan to confirm. The dude just got up and walked out. Turns out there was a third guy 5 months ago.

LaSageFemme

Had a mum to be who had narrowed the options for babydaddy down to her top three. She was having a c-section and didn't understand why all three potential dads couldn't come into theatre. She then asked if we could rotate them through, and maybe she'd let the one that was there when baby came out be the 'real daddy'. Took all my professionalism to smile politely.

mnohc

A nurse friend of mine told me about helping with a vasectomy when the Doctor saw that the patient, a married father of two children was clearly infertile and would have been all his life. Due to the man taking Valium before the local anisthetic the Dr made the guy come back for a follow up where he had to explain the mans medical condition to him. No idea what the fall out was.

patfreebird

My brothers best friend didn't resemble his father while growing up, so he became more and more suspicious. The father eventually did a DNA test (when my brothers friend was 11 or 12) and found out it's not his. The parents split up with the older daughter (16) going with the father because she resembled him so he was sure about her.

elephantidr




Teachers of Reddit, how obvious is it when one student has a crush on a classmate? (12/13/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Depends on the age, but the signs are obvious as hell. Lots of staring, and not-so-obvious but very obvious attempts at being near them. Visible disappointment when they aren’t put in the same group for group work. Jealousy in all forms. I’ve seen a kid hate a classmate for WEEKS because that classmate sat next to the kid’s crush for morning meeting.

Judeau16

Super obvious. When a girl says “stooOooooop-uh” while laughing at a guy who is teasing her, or a guy goes out of his way to make fun of her/“steal” something from her so she’ll have to pursue him to get it back, it makes me 100% certain.

bossyhosen

Shout-out to my high-school econ teacher for: Noticing that me and a girl were into each other Constantly putting us in the same group STRAIGHT UP ASKING THE GIRL IF SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND WHILE I WAS IN THE ROOM Mrs. Anderson is the best wingman of all time

abe_the_babe_

In middle school they just start trying to get on each other’s nerves more and are usually overly smiley. The main problem comes when only one of them is smiley.

default0411

I once had a teacher tell me that my crush and I worked together well, and used him and I as an example for something. We ended up together and she said “awww! I so predicted it!” Seeing the reaction on her face was priceless and I’ll never forget it. So, apparently we were very obvious.

chickennuggets693




If you had to torture someone in the most harmless way imaginable, how would you do it? (12/11/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Carpeted shower

BirchyField

There's an oven near them that is always baking hot fresh garlic bread (or brownies,) and while they can smell the amazing aroma, they can never have any.

Mirenithil

Hide a smoke detector with a dying battery in their attic

kangaroosies

Raise his mattress cover so it would pop off during the night

sf140699

Have everyone speak very quietly to them until they start questioning their ability to hear properly and they have to ask over and over what everyone is saying.

notjustatourist




Some people can solve a Rubix Cube faster than you can scramble it (12/10/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Some people solve a rubix cube faster than I can type this... *5 were solved when writing this*

GroundBreaker648

Rubik's.

ACuteMonkeysUncle

And some of them can do that *blindfolded*

crykenn

ITT: Almost no one can spell Rubik's Cube correctly. It's named after the guy who invented it Ernő Rubik.

sharrrper

I mean the fastest is 4.22 so....

johnny_124




If people could live for 200+ years, we likely still wouldnt be able to retire until we were 180 or something (12/10/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I'll be lucky to even reach retirement age now.

IrishNSketchy

You shouldn't postpone enjoying your life until you retire. I know it's difficult, but there's no reason you shouldn't be responsible for feeding and housing yourself. Work isn't the enemy here; it's your shitty job.

tk421yrntuaturpost

Retiring is based on having enough money to sustain you until you die. So its based on you isnt it?

Caedo14

Kinda depends on your expenses vs income and how much you save...

thedooze

Would people want to live by that age then? lol

rep_ts




Growing up is realizing that no matter what someone tells you, you can do whatever you want, you just have to live with the consequences. (12/13/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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You can't go back in time. No matter how much you want to.

ACuteMonkeysUncle

No. Growing up is realizing that the things you do have consequences for people you may never meet. Not growing up is thinking that everything revolves around you.

Throwaway995485

The phrasing I’ve heard is, “No one can make you do something. They can only make you suffer the consequences for not doing it.”

m3phil

In a college course i was assigned to a group for a project. None of us had met in person so I sent the group a message “hey should we meet this week?” One guys response was “do we have to?” I lost it. Bro youre an adult, you dont have to do anything. You can spend every waking moment of the rest of your life wanking it to anime, aint no one gonna stop you.... god-awful communication skills

smuglyunsure

Eating ice cream for three meals in one day is not a good idea, despite how awesome 10 year old be thought it would be. Source: I did the stupid

LoveDoodleBug5053




Memory foam doesn’t remember us, it remembers itself without us. When it starts to remember us, we throw it away. (12/12/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Very poetic.

reddeadkillered321

It's nearly 12 PM and I'm getting a little emotional over memory foam It's official. I've reached peek lifelessness.

CedarTallman

Actually we do want it to have a short term memory, it’s the long term memory we don’t want.

GPhex

It knows too much

OnTheList-YouTube

It remembers the blood stains though

Magikarp_it




What was the creepiest thing you witnessed, that made you believe in supernatural stuff? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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At the last house we lived in, when the bed in the master bedroom was setup a certain way, some nights it felt like a cat or small dog would jump up and settle in one particular spot toward the foot of the bed. I didn't think too much of it but jokingly mentioned having a "ghost cat" to my husband one time only to find out he had been feeling the exact same thing in the same spot (bc of his schedule we slept at different times). If one has to have a ghost, a sleepy pet ghost is a good choice.

vodka_philosophy

I was riding my bicycle down a narrow path. Maybe 30 meters in front of me was an elderly woman also on a bike. I was going fast and catching up to her quickly. I was a couple of meters from passing her when the path took a right turn and she was out of my sight for a second. I should have been right behind her after I, too, had taken the right turn, so imagine my surprise when she had just...vanished. There was an open field to the left, a highly fenced off area (with no gates) to the right and one straight road ahead of us - no trace of her anywhere. I know the area well and there is no way she could have been hidden anywhere. This woman just went POOF and it puzzles me to this day.

onesmilematters

Hearing a gruff man's voice next to my bed when playing video games with my then current girlfriend. We both heard it. We both lost our shit

SnideSnail

When I first married, my grandmother let us live in her old trailer since she had moved but couldn't sell the property, she felt close to my grandfather there. He died in the master bedroom, heart attack. Anyway My husband was abusive and beating me one night I ran into the master bedroom and shut the door but it didn't have a lock. My husband beat on the door for an hour before giving up It wouldn't open. I'll always believed that was my grandfather helping me

Adrasdea

A patient walked out of his ICU room after he had just died and looked around. Out of my peripheral vision. When I turned my head he was gone. Edit: more details since this is my most upvoted comment to date. The patient coded right as I got on shift and died within the hour, so I wasnt especially tired. He came in as a doe, most likely homeless, so there was no family in the room. I was the nurse so I was sitting close by, didnt see anyone else go in there nor would anyone have a reason to except me the morgue hadn't arrived yet cuz post-mortem care was not done. He was staying in the room known to ALL the nurses on the unit as "haunted" because the call light would go off or the bed alarm would go off frequently when it was empty. Out of the periphery of my vision I cant be sure but it did not look like he was wearing a gown, it looked like he had on street clothes. He was a young guy with a big, long blonde beard, so it was an easily identifiable attribute. Before i would joke along that room was haunted, now i believe it is.

chinchillarocket




For the Grinch to have a dog, some asshole in Whoville must have thrown him in the trash. (12/12/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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The Dog is his grandpa. Someone didn’t read the original book lol

StrokeMyCactus13

Or he was just a stray, that wandered in from the town over.

Fightskids

And that's probably why the Grinch hates people

doylebob

r/TIHI

phillyfan1111

How could someone throw such a loyal dog into the trash?!?!?! How can someone throw ANY dog in the trash?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Promethio130




It’s funny how in just a few decades, it’s gone from it being shameful to buy porn because it was considered taboo to it being shameful to buy porn because there is so much free porn available. (12/13/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I think nowadays you can be juged or laughed at for not knowing some porn category... Back then you'd be judged for even knowing there are categories in porn...

SkunkyStoat

Soon: Being judged for NOT paying for your porn.

theservman

No shame on supporting your favorite content creators

dontforgettocya

I buy porn and I'm not ashamed because I want to support the industry I love.

porncrank

We've made the bar to consuming porn low enough for people to privately watch it at no cost and discover there's really nothing shameful about it.

Faereaed




Handstanding is one of the only ways to effectively pick up the planet. (12/13/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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My trainer once told me that JiuJitsu was the art of throwing a planet at someone

Pyxsc

Walking is one of the most effective ways to spin the earth forward beneath your feet.

Dream-monger

Whatever! I'm holding it up with my legs

i-opener

¡ǝʇɐɯ ʇɐɥʇ op ʎpɐǝɹlɐ ǝM

inappropriate-slur

It’s also the only way you can hold yourself with your hands

BigOleBrownBanana




What is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happen to you? (12/11/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I was in high school and we had a prize giving ceremony during school assembly. My name gets unexpectedly called out, so I make my way to the front of the hall to collect my prize. I'm almost at the front when I have a sudden crisis of confidence and think that I must have misheard them and there is no way they called my name, so I turn around, walk back to my chair and sit back down. My friends are looking at me and ask me what the hell I'm doing, and tell me to get back up there to collect my prize. So I get back up, walk all the way up to the front and then have ANOTHER crisis of confidence and think that my friends must have been messing with me. So I turn around and walk back to my chair and sit back down. The hall is silent and the teachers are on stage looking at me like I just landed from another planet.

cat_bastard

Easily the time I was breakdancing in drama class in grade 11 and kicked a girl in the face.

xpepsi1x

When I was like 5 I shouted at my sister "YOU'RE AN IDIOT I-D-O-T", 21 years later I've yet to live it down. Edit: Pretty sure this is my top comment now, tempted to share a screen shot with the family and say it was finally worth something but, then they'd drag up things I've forgotten.

HipsterGalt

I ran cross country in high school. I would lead stretches, meaning that both the boys and girls teams were circled around me. A buddy came up and de-pantsed me and grabbed too many layers. At least the girls team got the rear end and the guys got the front. I don't think I've ever been truky embarrassed since.

noturmoms_spaghetti

In 8th grade I had a teacher Mr.Jean. He was 6’3, had to be over 400 pounds and had a lazy eye. Mr. Jean was known for having bottles and bottles of febreeze in his room. Whenever he would smell a student stinking he would stand up out of his chair, go from isle to isle sniffing kids and spraying a cloud of mist over the kid that thought he smelled foul. I had forgot to wear deodorant one day and I was lucky enough to be rained in the freshness.

GoodFellaGotEm




Farting in a thong must be like talking through someone’s “Shhhhh” fingers. (12/11/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Truly profound.

SmallDangerousHippo

It actually emits a high-pitched whistle. When my girlfriend farts all the dogs in the neighbourhood go crazy

Deadpooldan

Or blowing on a blade of grass.

DeadElbow

My FBI agent has to be so proud right now

Admiral-Boozehammer

Serious question for the ladies. Is a thong actually comfortable and wearable for anything more than a couple of hours? Shit looks uncomfortable as fuck. It seems like it would rub your buttcheeks raw.

speedocladpotato




If Pornhub made a theme park what might it look like? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I’m less concerned with how it would look, and more focused on how it would smell. And I think it would be sticky.

popsicles_are_life

There's an orgy park for those who'd like to participate, and a second voyeur park for those who simply want to witness the porn experience irl

ohokayfineiguess

**Welcome to PornHub World!** -- *When You're Here, You're Step-Family* ------ **The Entrance** Expect to be greeted by large, velvet-lined gates that are set up in a vertical oval pattern. A sensor (situated near the top of that oval) automatically counts each person who enters, emitting a quiet, sensual moan as they pass the threshold. Anyone who arrives clad in a raincoat is given a small discount on their admission price, but are told that they won't have as much fun as other people. ------ **The Attractions** Each of PornHub World's many rides are focused on different themes. Why not start your visit with a trip to The Hall of Revelation, where specially designed mirrors (which hide the latest in scanning and projection technology behind them) will force you to stare at your own naked reflection? After that, it's only a short walk to Lickin' Larry's Canoe Race, and the Tunnel of Love isn't far away! Adventurous visitors can also attempt the Plunge Into Darkness, which lets out right next to the award-winning Funny Fudge Factory! Each ride has a one-in-ten chance of ending with attendees getting wet, because at PornHub World, you're *always* in the splash zone! ------ **The Food** Choose from a wide assortment of tacos, hot dogs, fish, sausages, or – if you find yourself feeling nostalgic for trips to Grandma's house – some of PornHub World's very own grilled cheese sandwiches (with aged cheddar)! After-hours dining includes a selection of liquors and liqueurs, ranging from Bailey's Irish Cream to PornHub World Limoncello! ------ **The Games** Our modern arcades are amazing to behold! Choose from old-fashioned favorites like The Shooting Gallery, or test your skills with our patented PornHub World Virtual Reality Adventure! Also, don't forget our amazing selection of joystick-controlled arcade classics, and be sure to turn in your tickets for some amazing prizes! ------ **The Characters** Now is your chance to meet the men and women of your dreams! Our cast of top-quality impersonators includes lookalikes of your favorite stars... and let's be honest, you won't be paying much attention to their faces! ------ **The Hotel** Stay somewhere else. ------ **The Advertisements** You will be endlessly bombarded with prompts to sign up for PornHub World Premium, which grants you access to special rides and attractions that aren't available to the general public. This might seem like a strange thing to boast about, but we take pride in the quality of those in-park commercials. Get two weeks of free membership when you sign up today! ------ **The Performances** If you like PornHub World, you'll *love* PornHub World Live! Our nightly shows include ample amounts of audience participation, with attendees being given the chance to decide how our incredible stage shows play out! ------ We hope you'll enjoy your stay in PornHub World! Make sure to plan your day in advance, because there's a good chance that you'll spend more time trying to decide what you want to see than you will actually enjoying yourself. Still, that's part of the fun... and you can always come again soon!

RamsesThePigeon

There would be penis enlargement ads everywhere.

RedMeatTrinket

The Fappiest Place on Earth^TM

pfrimshot




[NSFW] What would you change about your first time having sex? (12/12/2019) ~ AskReddit

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He and I were both 15, and he had internet that his parents didn’t monitor. So after we have pretty awkward sex, he gets out of me, rips off the condom, and jizzes on my face. It seemed like one swift move, maybe 2 seconds then *BOOM* goo on my face. I sat there flabbergasted only for a moment before I wiped it off, and rubbed that hand down his face. We were both left stunned staring at each other like.. What the fuck did you just do!? Then we went and washed our faces.. unromantically. I would have changed the whole face jizz thing then, but looking back, it’s pretty funny to me now.

Actiaslunahello

The fact that my girlfriend said "let's pretend that didn't happen" afterwards.

GAlcarazIV

Different place, or different time. Either way I could have avoided having some poor mom walking in and finding me balls deep in her daughter.

CGPsaint

I made her feel embarrassed because I said I could feel her heartbeat on my dick. I didn't realize she was orgasming so she got super embarrassed.

tripeando

Probably wouldn’t have done while watching The Boy In The Striped Pajamas....just an idea though...

ErsatzCaptain




Tim Allen and Tom Hanks had to exist in the Toy Story Universe, since they had to record the voice lines for the toys’ voice boxes. (12/8/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Or it just means Woody and Buzz exist in the human universe.

bugsaysfu

Or maybe it's just people in-universe named Allen Tim and Hank Toms that sound like them.

Darth-Ragnar

In the Toy Story universe, Hanks would have to have been doing voicework in the 50s or 60s.

NottingHillNapolean

That means Jim Varney and Don Rickles are alive in this universe...and that's okay with me.

backwoodsrunner

For merchandise, Tom Hanks brother did the sound stuff, Tom was limited to the movies.

edgarallen1




Today is the 13th Friday the 13th since 2013 (12/14/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Do you have a calendar with you in the shower? Or just really good at mental math?

logicalmcgogical

It's the 69th since 1969

canehdian78

This is another level showerthought.

Penguin-on-reddit

This subreddit is literally not shower thoughts anymore.

rustin420blznayylmao

Jokes on you I saw this at exactly 12am so it's the 14th now

Yeet_Master420




Smartphones probably killed the flashlights market without anyone noticing. (12/11/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Psh.. r/flashlight would like to have a word with you.

Pyrophagist

No because actual flashlights are more practical for emergency purposes and for the crew members of government departments that deal with cases that involve emergency,investigation etc

CATtunderFIRE

This can't be true. I have too many flashlights. If you are a do-it-yourself person. You probably own at least three flashlights. Plus with population growth I just don't see it. Phone flash is good in a pinch but any real work you need an actual light.

WiredSurreal

I'd rather drop my flashlight on the ground for whatever reason and possible break it over dropping my phone and shattering the screen.

Doom_Eagles

Not really if you use a flash light for more than a few seconds you’re Gna get a flashlight cause why would you wanna run your batt on your phone out constantly.

buggy1788




What is an animal fact that not everyone knows but they should? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Hedgehogs are known as "the gardener's friend." This is because they will eat slugs, beetles, caterpillars, etc., and do no harm - only good.

Back2Bach

Pigeons, crows, and ravens can recognize humans and remember faces. They also have been observed holding a grudge against humans that were mean to them.

BobSacramanto

Goldfish should NOT be kept in little bowls. They produce a huge amount of waste for their size and so they need a very powerful filtration system. Pet shop workers will tell you they grow to fit the size of their tank. This is not true - if the tank isn't big enough for them, they die young. With enough space and decent filtration, a goldfish can live for decades. All the rubbish you hear in some pet shops is just because they know they'll sell a lot less fish if you actually knew what it takes to look after them.

MerylSquirrel

A bear can outrun a horse. If you see a mountain lion, it has already decided not to eat you. If you're camping and you hear an animal moving around, it's probably a skunk or a beaver or a porcupine. Bears, moose, and other large animals are surprisingly sneaky.

viciouslitany

When jaguars pick a victim they can stalk them for days weeks even this includes humans

BigBadKYDO




The Mandalorian is literally wearing plot armor. (12/8/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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This is the way.

fadedwood

Heheheh

JTHockey08

It’s true. I have spoken.

DoggoSenior3028

Please explain

Pill_Boi

Good ass show though

Paralta




Look around. Chances are in the future you will not remember this specific day at all. (12/8/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Big bird died today and found out my friend is bi, so no, not forgetting today

Orange3121

I just told the girl ive been with for months that i love her, we are now dating. I think ill remember this day

mdma_attack

If everything goes smoothly, you won't remember the details of today.

stillakilla18

I think about this all the freaking time. Its unsettling. I have a really strong autobiographical memory and can certainly remember random, unimportant days from way back. But I think of ALL the days i cannot remember and how amazing it would be to press a button that says 6/15/87 (for example) and see it play out. I want to remember every day (give or take some brutes) and I feel I should as I was there, alive, experiencing it. Where did it go in my mind? I mean I can pretty much look back on every month of my life from age 11 onward and remember something, ever so brief, about it. But definitely not a bunch of specific days. Amazingly I remember less of the most recent years, they've all blended together. Time has sped up exponentially. It's like my dad who can remember the 40s and 50s vividly but the last 30 years are kind of blurred together.

LuveeEarth74

Got evicted today and moved a 2 bedroom apartment into a storage unit using a Kia soul, including washer and dryer, mattress, and dressers. Getting ready to sleep in the car with my fiance and our cat, then get up and go to work tomorrow. I hope I never forget today for fear of history repeating itself.

explainlikeimpenguin




What’s the most bizarre / awkward gift you’ve received in your life? (12/12/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Wrote about this before, but at a birthday party in front of my family, my gf at the time gave me an illustrated journal of every time we saw each other from the first date 'til current (about 6 mos.) Included movie ticket stubs from our first date, the receipt from Chipotle from our second date (so she must've been planning this stuff for a while). Then it got graphicly awkward (pages dedicated to us having sex had smiley face stickers, days where we had fights had frowny face ones, one memorable entry was a page written in large text "WE TRIED TO HAVE SEX BUT YOU COULDN'T") and all the while, she's sitting next to me beaming like I've just been given a winning lottery ticket, meanwhile the discomfort from my family was painful.

Guns_57

One year my parents bought me stilts and a juggling kit for Christmas, and then a unicycle for my birthday a few months later. I had never expressed an interest in the circus or anything of the sort.

zorkempire

I worked in a thrift store and every day this older woman would come in and look at whatever was new and talk to me. One day she came in, handed me a small gold Turkish dagger and said “this reminded me of you”. I’m a 5ft tall white girl 🤷‍♀️

MeddlingKids1126

My Grandpa bought me a lingerie set... ...For my 13th birthday

BanMeAndIShallReturn

I wouldn’t necessarily call it either of those, but it was somewhat strange in how random it was. I was working in a pre-surgery clinic. This older gentleman came in and we were having a normal conversation while I did his vitals. Just before I told him to return to the waiting room he asked me what year I was born. Not thinking much of it, I told him and he pulled out this big white binder and started flipping through the pages. After a few seconds, he pulled out a page and gave it to me. It was a collection of various coins from around the world dated with the year I was born. I think it was bizarre in the sense of how random his act of kindness was and I certainly wasn’t expecting to be given a part of a coin collection as a thank you. I still have it and think about it a lot.

SourHyperion1




What free stuff on the internet should everyone be taking advantage of? (12/13/2019) ~ AskReddit

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This is a grandma here! You guys are wonderful! I learn so much here! I wish I could bake you all cookies, or something! You’re the best!

Detroitaa

Knowledge.

suits2kill

All the sexy singles in YOUR area!

Sirsilentbob423

Yet another thread I'll save with the intention to remind me to look at this again and proceed to do... not that

LegibleToe762

Porn

airlewe




If 99% of the world hates you then there are still 75,270,000 people who like you. That’s like half the population of Russia. (12/10/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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That means at least half of Russia doesn’t like you. And this does not bode well for your longevity.

shittysportsscience

Just because 99% of the world hates me doesn't mean the other resulting 1% likes me. It's not an either or it's more complicated than that. Someone has to know you to like you. So only the people who know you can be counted anyway. It's a much smaller sample size.

Lovat69

Well, at least there’s that.

Bastianator

The whole population except 1 person of russia can love you, and you can still have your house blown up from a “gas leak”

nekfjfrb

But they're all bots.

AelixD




“It is a deep human tragedy that death is terrifying and immortality unbearable” -Adrian Moore (Oxford) on death and immortality. (12/11/2019) ~ Philosophy

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It's interesting that in America, we don't really talk about death much. Our elderly are put in homes where we don't have to deal with them. We busy ourselves with earthly tasks (a lot of which we simply made up) to distract us from diving deeper into our consciousness. We all share one thing - existence. A primary component of that existence is death. Nobody knows why we're here and what happens after we die. Humans are so deeply connected by this, yet we allow surface-level differences (skin color, social standing, etc) divide us. How unfortunate that while we've evolved so much, we're still so dismissive of the connection of a conscious existence.

MilosBurrito

Imagine you’re playing a video game. It’s one you enjoy, but you wouldn’t want to play only that game forever. At the same time, you don’t want someone to come along and shut down your computer while you’re in the middle of it. After reading the article, it seems like the Author sets up a dichotomy of two extremes by excluding suicide as an option for his hypothetical potion of life. Carry along with the video game analogy, you may enjoy playing the game as it is meant to be played. But imagine if someone forced you to play it by a set of imaginary rules they developed to play the game by. The game simply would not be as enjoyable. Our lives seem to be like these two examples. We are struck by the fear of our lives being prematurely cut short. It seems we would rather quit playing the game on our own terms. At the same time, our lives are structured almost completely by artifices, playing by rules that don’t seem quite natural. I would argue that the most desirable form of ‘immortality’ would be one in which the individual has freed their mind from artifices, and can live out their lives as the most ‘genuinely human’ (Zhen Ren, as described in The Zhuangzi) until the individual feels satisfied and ready to move on.

Kicooi

I believe Immortality would be very much bearable to me.

Firoux

Yeah speak for yourself. I’m going to try immortality and let you know how it goes.

Sprezzaturer

A strong majority of the people in this thread who agree with the OP seem to be making the mistake of talking about *literal immortality* instead of *life extension.* A few examples: >Astrophysicist here: The universe is expanding and thus most other galaxies are moving away from us too fast to ever reach them. If our models are right, the expansion will accelerate until we only have the milky way, where the stars will die into dimly shining white dwarfs or turn into black holes. Life won't have many energy sources to sustain itself. The heat death of the universe doesn't sound like fun in the long run. # >Well, there's the isolation of being forced to live alone and watch families die, so falling in love would just end up hurting. There's the obvious "living hundreds/thousands of years and getting so monumentally bored with it all that you want to die" issue to address... # >Yeah, but I think the unbearable part comes in once you follow the thread of immortality through absurd amounts of time. You would live through the sun going nova and destroying the Earth... The OP contains the most egregious example of this. >If there were an elixir of life, would you choose to take it? Let’s assume immortality is an attractive prospect. If you wanted to live perpetually as a healthy twenty-year old, for example, then you could; if you wanted your loved ones to be immortal as well, then they would be; or if you preferred to have a never-ending supply of new loved ones, then you could have. But there’s one catch. The elixir isn’t reversible, and suicide isn’t an option. If you choose to take the elixir, there will be no going back. Now would you choose to take it? Because people would eventually become suicidally bored if they were to live forever, they often argue, it's better to live out a natural lifespan. But like u/Kicooi said, this is a false dichotomy. I do think that given the constraints of the human mind, people would probably become suicidally bored long before the heat death of the universe. However, a more realistic option is living for several hundred or thousand years (or maybe more), accomplishing everything you wanted to accomplish and doing everything you wanted to do and maybe more, and then eventually choosing to die after reaching a long-pondered conclusion that life has nothing more to offer you. Having the ability to determine when you die, as opposed to having your life forcibly ended at a point that evolution decided was long enough, seems like an infinitely better option to me. I mean, there's even an example of this in the OP. >The British philosopher Bernard Williams addressed this issue in his article, “The Makropulos Case”, whose title was taken from a play by Karel Čapek. The play is about a woman named Elina Makropulos, who is the beneficiary of an elixir of life. She finds, after some three hundred and fifty years, that “her unending life… has come to a state of indifference, boredom, and coldness.” For Makropulos, though, death remains a possibility if she doesn’t take the elixir again. The play ends with Makropulos welcoming her own death. This play was cited as an example of why immortality isn't so great after all. But what if you asked Elina whether she regretted taking the serum when she was 100 instead of 350? What about 150? 200? If it took her in the ballpark of 300 years to become suicidally bored, then presumably she didn't regret living for the extra 200-plus years before that point (or she would've killed herself earlier, since there was ample opportunity to consider the question). Setting aside practical concerns for the moment (after all, this is a philosophy sub), I don't think there's any good arguments in favor of banning or restricting radical life extension. It's conceivable that some yet-undiscovered part of human psychology will result in everyone becoming suicidal once they reach 150, but given that suicide-driven boredom isn't a major cause of death among the elderly--it's probably insignificant--I think the tipping point is likely to be far beyond the limits of our current lifespan.

Tinac4




If you offered people $1,000 to give you a hug they would probably think something was up or be weirded out. If you gave them $1,000 and didn’t ask for a hug you would probably get a very genuine one. (12/10/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I gave a guy a hug at a concert one cause he was carrying a sign that said “Free Hugs”.

flagg6805

Um who the fuck would be weirded out by getting offered $1k for a hug? I'll eat your asshole in a Chik-Fil-A parking lot for that

emu_cock

That was a really nice hu- aw you stole my wallet

goingtoeatthat

So all I need is $1,000

Kymoo6

Andrew Yang will give you 1000 dollars a month no questions asked. He won’t even ask for a hug. #yang2020

btg0097




A person with multiple personality disorder could fuck up the sorting hat on which house each personality goes (12/14/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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"Sliffendo- wait fuck"

RisingPhoenix1172

Isn't that kinda what happened to Harry ? The sorting hat saw the remaining parts of Lord Voldemort and was conflicted between gryffindor and slytherin and even mentioned him during the sorting.

sirdefecto

Whatever. Just shove ‘em in Hufflepuff. That’s what it’s there for. They’ll be fine.

thoawaydatrash

Sorting hat already doesn't work, Hermione didn't get Ravenclaw for some fucking reason

Ricky_RZ

no way man. Sorting hat takes everything into consideration

BiggieBoiTroy




Prison is probably the only place that if you break into, they gonna let you stay in (12/8/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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First they take you out, then put you back in

flunky_the_majestic

How about a serial killer’s house?

BookerDewitt2019

What if you lock yourself out of your house?

Mr_EpiK64

Trump broke into the GOP and they were very willing to let him stay.

MrLouie915

North Korea

RagingStorm010




With the 2010s coming to a close, what has aged like milk? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Bill Cosby's legacy

Trillamanjaroh

Facebook as a positive influence on the world

MedianJ03

Minions. I hate those yellow fuckers now and at one point of time I used to think they were adorable.

batmanzazzles

Rage comics for sure r/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu used to be the shit

PM_GUITAR_PICKS

Game of Thrones Edit: My first silver, thanks! We do not kneel.

UltramarineMage




You are a bartender, a guy walks into a bar and asks you for a “Donald Trump”. What do you give him? (12/12/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Make a double tall mint julep and strain into a chilled pint glass. Add a shot of peach schnapps. Garnish the rim with a slice of peach. Serve with a shot of Presidente beer. Drop the shot of beer into the pint glass and slam the whole thing and you’ve got yourself a “Presidente in Peach Mint” Edit: Thanks for the gold and silver! Never thought my affinity for cocktails would pay off. Edit2: WOW!!! Thanks all of you beautiful redditors for all of the Santas, Golds and Silvers. This made my week!!!

Jrmcgarry

A concerned look

aGuyNamedFish

“Ok, here’s the biggest, best cocktail we’ve got... *pours a shot of Coors Light* ... that’ll be $200,000”

AlbumFlood

A virgin White Russian.

PAGodzilla

Half orange juice, half heavy cream. Its orange, thick, clotted, and most likely will make you want to throw up.

Edymnion




What websites do you spend your time on when you’re not on Reddit? (12/11/2019) ~ AskReddit

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YouTube Edit: Thank you for the Silver kind stranger!

Bonnie_Bunny23

Wikipedia... I literally spend hours following the blue word links. Every time I see a topic I don't recognize, I click on it so that I can better understand what the original page was about. And then i end up with loads of Wikipedia pages open, and I never actually get back to the original one.

Death_By_Pun

geoguessr.com Map game, 5 rounds. You get dropped into a random location on google maps, walk around and try to guess your initial location. EDIT: Thanks for the silver, hope you have a wonderful day (:

fernsRgreat

Google maps. I go to the most beautiful beaches thinking about how amazing the world is and I'm spending half my life in a shitty office.

Lord-AG

>not on Reddit I don't follow...

beanz415




When someone gives you gum at school, it’s either a sign that they respect you, or that you have bad breath (12/11/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Oh FFS, there's a rule of life you young'uns need to learn. If someone offers you a mint/gum, never turn it down. They are being kind. And one day' it'll be your turn to offer.

fudspong

That’s if they offer it. If you ask, it depends on if they have a heart or not

jackson234_D

Or they want you to help them cover something with the wrappers

SerpentSnek

It's usually that they just want to be polite/friendly though, since most people in proximity will ask for some anyway. Even working with employed teenagers they still beg for my gum.

fradd13

Or that you've been asking them for 6 hours straight and he couldn't stand you anymore. Also he can be a cool guy who gives out sh*t to people he doesn't know.

Cabra42




How would you feel about AskReddit banning “How would you feel” posts? (12/12/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Yeah those kinds of questions are just using the big community of this sub to advertise their brilliant idea and as brilliant as it may be, it's not the purpose of the sub. This kind of question doesn't create ideas. It brings one and asks how people feel about it. I'd rather see thought-provoking questions where comments can actually bring new ideas.

ImOwningThisUsername

Can they ban ...username... posts as well?

_CattleRustler_

That, and the dumb scenario questions that are constant. Also the "Seriously, how are you doing today?" posts every day. Its just like hoping for karma

appleparkfive

I think there's several categories of questions that should be cut down on.

Downstream03

Better yet, ban all 'girls of reddit, what is something men do...' posts Yeah we get it, you're 12 and you've never had sex

girlshave2bumholes




What’s the most unfair thing you’ve ever seen? (12/13/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Zero tolerance rules. A kid can literally get suspended if they do absolutely nothing in a fight they didn’t start.

OW2000

I took care of a woman who had cancer and was in her end days. She was young, late 30s, and had 3 sons, ages 9, 11 and 18. Apparently she had only just been diagnosed earlier that year. Earlier in the year, when her husband got the news that she had cancer, he was on his way home to comfort her and was killed in a car accident. So these boys lost both their parents in the span of about 10 months. This woman not only found out she was dying, but then was loaded with the grief of his death and the uncertainty of her children's futures. All of us nurses had to rotate care of her, as no one could leave that room and not be in tears. We didn't want to add to the boys grief. Life is fucked sometimes.

ZealousidealWorth3

When I was in grade school we had a final group assignment to design a community centre, with my teacher promising a lobster dinner for the group that had the highest mark. I had a bit of a crush on my teacher and thought hey, lobster dinner. My group busted their asses designing the "Hijinx" after school community centre, calling a long list of businesses to determine membership fees, cost of construction (we got hung up on alot looking for price of building materials), community outreach programs and a whole lot more. We even helped the special needs kid in our group write a jingle - and we got the highest mark. When it came time for our lobster dinner, my group stayed in the classroom during recess to enjoy the fruits of our labour. My teacher brings out our "lobster", which was a loaf of bread with googly eyes and paper lobster claws stuck in the side. It was on that day I learned the true meaning of disappointment.

IllustriousHouse3

Going to family Court with my dad and losing even though my mother didn't even bother to show up. They also wouldn't let me testify. Fact is, she kicked me out at 16 but kept reviving child support - court didn't want to hear it.

themadkingnqueen

Didn't see it but an autistic kid (special needs) in my middle school was convicted of drug possession because these kids gave him weed.

PaulHendrixMiller




Spaghetti is now illegal. Why did this happen? (12/13/2019) ~ AskReddit

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The government may have you believe it is because of the several recalls on spaghetti from Barilla, Kraft, Creamette, and even Kirkland spaghetti in America, however, that's not the whole story. To begin, we must go back 10 years. After the embarrassing discovery of the CIA's involvement in the distribution of crack in 1996, morale was at an all time low within the offices of the CIA. With the more recent collapse of the Greek economy in 2010, the Greek government needed to find new ways to restabilize, and in their search, established a profound system. To repay their significant debts, the Greek government began taking out extremely secret loans from the US. The CIA re-established their crack distribution within Los Angeles to provide proceeds for the Greek government. Now you're probably wondering, how does that money get to the Greeks, and how does this have anything to do with spaghetti? Well, the answer is simple, the Greek government took out a loan from the EU, which was secretly and solely funded by the Italian government. The CIA then began laundering their money from their crack operations in California into Italy by buying significantly large amounts of pasta, specially, spaghetti, as it's compactness and rigidity made it the perfect candidate for bulk purchases. The CIA, now with unfathomable amounts of spaghetti began reaching out to various pasta companies. The CIA's made a simple offer to pasta companies which they couldn't refuse - they would provide these companies with pasta at half of the cost of manufacturing to do it themselves, so long as they never told the FBI about such a deal. With that, the spaghetti coming from almost all of the major American pasta manufacturers was distributed to them via the CIA. Now from here, it still may seem unclear how ALL spaghetti was banned in the United States. This is where we fast forward to December of 2019. All of the nation's pasta companies have been effectively nationalized by the CIA, and now all distribute the same CIA pasta. In December, however, there was a salmonella contamination across the many pasta factories, and because of this, almost all of America's spaghetti became contaminated at once, which would be a near impossible occurrence by chance. Soon, the FBI began detailed investigations of every spaghetti manufacturer in the United States and found one very basic flaw in the CIA's plan - they failed to cover up their own tracks on international financial records and were soon discovered. With almost all of the country's spaghetti poisoned, and with there being no real way to discern between 'dirty' pasta and American pasta, the FDA swiftly placed a nationwide ban on spaghetti. The expiry of the Ban on Spaghetti has yet be determined, but what is clear is that our spaghetti will not be coming back anytime soon.

Gharnie

The pastafarians are being oppressed Edit: Thank you for the award!

lizzieroarden

The spaghetti incident?

rektaalinuuska

They found out the flying spaghetti monster is a real God and therefore Spaghetti has become sacred

re_fuse

Lobbying from Big Lasagna

ClunarX




ladies, what is your favorite excel function and why? (12/14/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Conditional formatting coupled with format paint

prolific-lurker

Pivot tables are exceptionally sexy. Get in my spreadsheets Edit: omg thank u stranger for the gold

inquisitive_crow

I cannot tell you how much joy it brings me to import a data table from another source, sort by largest to smallest and vice versa, and then COLOR CODE it. My e-mails always look stellar. This comment is 100% serious.

AlliCakes

CONCATENATE(). Most people I work with use it to create a globby mess, and I like showing people how to use it properly.

shockingpomegranate

I'm a fan of a good old fashioned nested IF. But I wish I knew more about excel overall. It's kind of hard to learn when you don't have anyone to show you.

eggplantsrin




Porn Stars have access to more work training videos than any other profession. (12/13/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Babe: so any advice on what NOT to do? Casting director: yeah, watch a few hours of porn and don’t do 90% of what they do.

dontdoxmebro2

What are you still doing up Steve? It’s 2am! “Oh just studying some film for Wednesday’s gang bang.”

buckeyespud

This is a shower thought I can get behind

probably_a_hooman

Wait... so the people in the videos aren’t really step siblings?

Tsukune_Surprise

That's like calling movies and TV "training videos for actors". They don't teach you how to act, and porn really doesn't teach you how to sex competently either.

Flaming_Dutchman




Your username is the name of a future fast-food restaurant. What meals do they serve? (12/11/2019) ~ AskReddit

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We're actually going out of business.

unlimitedpubes

Gyros

dick-nipples

***oh no***

Mega_Mans_Pet_Cat

....I'm sorry my friends

iReallyLikeTurtles_

children

just-a-child-




You’re probably about to die, except your life is flashing before your eyes really slowly. (12/9/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Pratchett once wrote, "It is true that your life passes in front of your eyes just before you die. The process is commonly known as living."

Oudeis16

Yea your whole life is just the process of dying

herenextyear

I could live with that

croninsiglos

When you get to the seen where your about to die do you see the part where your seeing your life flash before your eyes? That would be a funky loop man.

Crawly49

Now this is the content this subreddit needs

Fred_FP




The entire plot of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire could’ve been avoided if they just used a security camera (12/10/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I think a lot of those movies would have been much shorter if Hogwarts ran background checks before hiring teachers.

martiniolives2

The plot of the whole thing could’ve been avoided if someone just fucking shot Voldemort in the head

carjansen

The Goblet of Fire's enchantments were probably better than a security camera. Barty Crouch Jr. actually made it believe there was a 4th school who entered the competition, and I think fooling a timeless magic artifact would be harder than a basic camera. Besides, muggle technology doesn't work in places that are magically charged, like Hogwarts.

Newdinger

*Hem Hem* This is a violation of Educational Decree No. 41; 'Students may not discuss the upsetting events of last year. Anyone found doing so will be punished.' Five points from Hufflepuff. Detention this Friday.

Dolores__Umbridge

Arthur Weasley is the true hero Hogwarts needed in this case- his understanding of altering and adjusting muggle technology to fit wizarding purposes is next level.

bandoftheredhand17




What was the dumbest thing you’ve ever been asked by a customer? (12/10/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I used to work in a pet store. One night a woman came in and said she had ordered a puppy off the internet and he would be arriving in the next few days. She had never owned a pet and asked several dumb questions, but the one that I'll always remember is "Do puppies need water?"

StupidSexxxyFlanders

I used to work at Enterprise Rent-A-Car (We'll pick you up!). I went to pick up a customer (worth noting she was renting a car for a weekend getaway), called her when I got to her apt, and she came downstairs and had this conversation: Lady: Ok, I'll follow you back to the office Me (confused): I'm here to pick you up and drive you back to the office. Lady: What am I supposed to do with my car? Me: Were you planning on leaving your car at our lot over the weekend? Lady: No Me (more confused): Why are you going to follow me in your car? I can drive you back to the office, finish the paperwork, and you can take the rental car from there. Lady (not grasping the concept): Well how are you going to get back? Me: I'll drive us both, in this rental car, back to the office, where we can do the paperwork and you can take the rental car from there. That way, your personal car is still at your apt. And when you return the car on Monday, you can drive the rental car back to us, we'll close out the paperwork, and we'll give you a ride home. Sound like a plan? Lady: That doesn't make sense. You're making this way too difficult. I'll just follow you in my car. Me (thinking the customer is always right!): Ok! We get back to the office, I finish the paperwork (still astonished she qualified to rent a car), and hand her the keys to the car. Lady: Ok, how do I get my car back to my apt? Me: ... Lady: Can you drive my car back to my apt? Me: I'm not authorized to drive your car. You're welcome to leave it here on the lot over the weekend if you want. Lady: Ok, can you drive the rental car and follow me back to my house so I can drop off my car? Me: This is what I was trying to do when I picked you up! There was no need to take 2 cars. Lady: I'd like to speak to your manager.

albatross34

I used to work at the UPS store in high school. Our last pickup was at 7:00 and we closed at 8:00 pm. Since we had private information and people’s personal mailboxes in the store, security was a big deal. It was 8:30. Our tills were counted down, the alarm was set, our copiers, fax machine, and computers were shut down, our lights were off, and we had closed and locked a ginormous red gate that separated the entrance from the rest of the store. Some woman ran up to the door, and like some demon in a horror movie, she hurled herself against the glass and screeched like a banshee. Keep in mind, we are very obviously closed with a sign saying we are closed, no lights on, and a giant red gate drawn down over the store. She began pounding on the glass and frantically yelling at us. My coworker worried something was wrong, like maybe she was being chased and needed help. He carefully opened the door just a crack to ask what was wrong. She immediately tried to wedge her hands and head in the crack and asked “Are ya’ll open?” We informed her that we obviously weren’t. Her logic was “well you opened the door so now you have to help me”. She began wailing and crying that she had to mail a package. We explained that even if we were open, our last pick up was an hour and a half ago and we couldn’t even mail it until tomorrow. She protested and protested and we eventually got the door shut and locked. So we just stood there awkwardly in the dark, hoping she would leave. She kept pounding on the glass and saying “I know you’re open!!!!” As we debated what to do and if we should call the cops, this lady pulled out her cell phone and called the cops herself! The cops arrived, we explained the situation, and the woman accused us of lying, despite the sign on the door saying we closed an hour ago at this point. Then, in front of the officer and on security camera, the woman launched herself at my coworker and hit him in the face. She immediately jumped back and began fake crying that he had assaulted her. We were dumbfounded. She ended up getting arrested and my coworker pressed charges. So the stupidest question I got was “Are you open?”.

RedPlanit

A woman came to the check out and handed me a bag of mozzarella. She asked me what the ingredients were and if there were any chemicals in it. I turned the bag around and started to read the ingredients out to her. She grabbed the bag out of my hand, angrily said "I could have done that myself " and stormed off.

justanotherpolyglott

I used to work in a phone shop. Had someone come in asking why their phone wasn't working properly. It was visibly scorched and melty. I asked why it looked that way. They said, it came up with an error message saying it had been too cold (not an error message I had heard of before, but I know phones can bring up errors for being too hot, so who knows) and so they had put it under the grill to heat it up. The grill. Their first point of call was to cook it. I said, that's why their phone wasn't working, and no it was not covered under the guarantee.

SlytherinGirl125




You get $50million but the entire browser history of anything you’ve ever searched, watched or clicked on, even if you deleted it or were in incognito mode becomes public with your name linked to it. Do you do it? Why or why not? (12/9/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Probably. Who’s gonna take the time to go through all that shit?

yogurtgrapes

absolutely, that's 'fuck you' money

My_reddit_strawman

Yes and change my name and move international.. simple

lrk1983

I did it all for research for some projects I worked on. And the really kinky stuff: Was randomly looking for some porn grind band like "Cock and Ball Torture". And anyways, with 50 million on my account why do I even care?

dirty_boy69

Frankly I'd do that for far less money. I don't care if people know I like watching porn, or even, what kind. Hell, I'd tell anyone who'd listen. They'd also know how much I love the few people in my life and how special they are to me. And my depression would actually be easier to explain not harder. Bring on the money ~~and the lube~~!

billbapapa




What are some weird nsfw historical facts? (12/9/2019) ~ AskReddit

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The ancient Greeks and Romans used a plant called Silphium as a natural contraceptive. If a woman consumed the resin regularly she would not get pregnant. If she stopped taking it, though, the effects wore off. From what we can tell, it was almost as effective as modern pharmaceutical birth control. The Romans used it so much that they made it go extinct. We're not even quite sure the exact identity of the plant (ie genus and species).

VVillyD

Napoleon, in traditional French manner, wrote some steamy love letters to his wife Jospehine. They include such phrases (translated) as "you’re a naughty, gawky, foolish slut" and "Don't bathe. I'm coming home!"

i_fuckin_luv_it_mate

The Welsh didn't actually have relations with sheep nearly as much as the records show. When Wales joined the United Kingdom, they found a loophole in the laws regarding sheep: If you were caught stealing a sheep, your hand was cut off. If you were caught having relations with a sheep, just your finger was. So lots of sheep thieves just *said* they were sheep-lovers to avoid the harsher punishment.

Back2Bach

Mary Shelley lost her virginity on her mother's grave

PM-ME-UR-RESCUES

The oldest known objects that were probably sex toys were made out of stone and animal dung ca. ~ 30k years ago. The oldest known objects that were definitely sex toys were anatomically shaped jade and bronze dildos/butt plugs dating back 2000-3000 years.

DeckhandFlout




Rock, paper, and scissors are all commonly used for greetings. (Peace, wave/high 5, fist bump) (12/11/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Brilliant, our competition is so deeply embedded in us, that we really mean war when we do the peace sign 👏

HarryGalloway

Why would you list your explanations in the wrong order?

BiggestFlower

I too scissor people when I greet them

BakedZDBruh

So next time someone offers me a fist bump I will wrap my hand around their fist (eye contact is important here) and say “paper beats rock”.

TowMater66

Don't forget dynamite (middle finger)

Sillyist