If future historians don’t know how to decode multiple layers of sarcasm, the internet’s really going to throw them off. (10/19/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I wiSh ThEm BesT oF lUcK


There is an esoteric theory that suggests this is a problem with many ancient writings already. Also, satire and irony may be such things too.


Oh boy those news headlines from The Onion are gonna throw them for a loop


They might also have trouble with our various other *historical documents*.


I'm more worried they'd think our entire society was based around porn simply by the sheer amount of it they'd find. I don't want to go down in history as having existed during the Hentai era


What screams “I’m very insecure”? (10/20/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I used to be very insecure so I'll go from my own experience. Lying about something to seem cool. It's very obviously a signal of insecurity because they don't like who they are now.


Being unnecessarily mean spirited to people


One-upping people constantly in conversations.


When you're reading an AskReddit thread to make sure you're not making it too obvious


bragging about things not even in your control, like your parents' wealth.


What is something most people need to hear but no one has the guts to tell people? (10/16/2019) ~ AskReddit

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“The video you’re showing me isn’t funny.” I would never say it but god I hate fake laughing for 4 minutes.


"No." Some people are socially anxious and can be extremely compliant. Saying no won't hurt someones feelings most of the time.


Not everyone wants to be your friend. Nice does not mean loyalty. This goes double for coworkers.


I can see your butt crack when you sit down or stand up


You need to bathe. Regularly.


What is most useless item you carry with you all the time? (10/17/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Stamp card for a cafe whose food gave me diarrhea


Business card of someone I'll **definitely** never call Edit: wow that's a ton of karma for such a simple comment. **Question: why doesn't my karma update reflect the 28k and instead only goes up a few hundred at a time?**


My wallet. The fuck is my broke ass gonna do, buy something?


A $2 bill that I’m never going to spend. They’re not even rare, it just looks cool


Get out of Jail free card in my wallet since High school. Im not sure why but it makes me feel better Edit: thanks everyone, im glad im not the only fool carrying one of these in his wallet. Edit edit: rip my inbox Edit edit edit: it think this will soon be my new top comment of all time. Im finally gonna get that dumb Matress Firm story out of the way


What is normal in your country but seems weird to the rest of the world? (10/16/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Being middle-class with a property having a 6' wall, electric fencing linked to an alarm, automated gate and garage doors (with security clamps over the gate motor to prevent theft of the motor), security gates over every door, burglar bars, and a house alarm system with infra-red sensors linked to armed response with a reaction time of under 3-4 minutes.


Everyone rags on the US for using imperial, but can we talk for a second about how weird we are here in the UK for using both inconsistently? You buy a pint of milk or beer, but a litre of coke and 25ml of whiskey People know how many miles to the gallon their cars get, but you buy fuel at pence per litre. You watch the weather forecast and the temperature is in Celsius but the wind speed is in miles per hour Most people can tell you their weight in kilograms, and their height in feet, and if they can't give you kilograms they can probably give you **stone** instead, which is even older than pounds, which nobody uses as a unit of measurement, probably because of the confusion between lbs and £... It's a glorious mess.


In my friend's country, Easter is when gangs of boys roam the countryside, pouring water over girls and beating them (gently) with sticks. The girls then have to thank them for it. I thought that was pretty weird. Edit: She's from Slovakia


Leaving your baby alone outside for their nap, even if it rains or snows.


We have matrimonial ads in newspapers and sites to find grooms and brides which I think don't happen in western countries and they find it strange. The ads are mostly published by parents. It's like tinder supervised by parents.


Out of the 7.7 billion people on Earth, what do you think no one is doing right now? (10/20/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Nobody is listening to the demo tape my band from high school made over 20 years ago. Edit & Update: Thanks for the silver! Texted the band mate I'm still friends with trying to get the music. I have a copy somewhere. It's on a cd in a box that I haven't unpacked since moving recently. There may be a digital copy on an old hard drive somewhere too.




Shitting in their hand and using it as shaving cream


Lying in bed next to me.


Masturbating to me


Using a laptop makes it look like you’re doing work or something important while being on your phone looks the opposite (10/21/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Seriously. I got in trouble at work for being on my phone while there was a lull in work and I couldn’t do anything. I was looking up gear for my work. It’s dumb


Reading a book makes you look smart. Reading from the kindle app on your phone looks like you are browsing instagram. I miss looking smart


Which is terrible, cause I do majority of my school work and documentation for work, etc., on my phone. My laptop is mainly for essays.


I got called out in a meeting being on my phone. But I was literally fixing a production bug in real time from my phone while sitting in a meeting in another building. Slack, Slack Bots, and Mobile UI's make it possible to do things on a phone that no one ever dreamed of. Aside from typing lines of code, I can do just about anything from my phone.


Sad but true


What is the best animated movie and why? (10/19/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Emperor's New Groove. No cheesy romance, unique, and, most important of all, Kronk.


WALL-E. The first half is amazing and tells you so much about the world and the characters without them really having to say anything


Spirited away by far. The story is beautiful. Additionally, the animation is far ahead of its time that still supersedes any animated movie to this day. Treasure planet is a close second though Edit: well this was quite the way to wake up. Thanks kind strangers!


Spiderman into the Spiderverse is the most beautiful film I've ever seen. - The visual style is absolutely stunning. Every frame looks like a comic panel -All the voice acting is solid. John Mulaney and Nick Cage are brilliantly cast -A great Spiderman story that feels fresh despite being like the hundredth Spiderman movie -The Stan Lee cameo made me misty eyed, it came out right after he died - The soundtrack absolutely slaps Edit: formatting Edit 2: it's wonderful to wake up to so many golds and silvers on a working Saturday morning. Thanks Reddit!


Iron Giant, hands down. Edit: Woah, the love for this movie makes me love it that much more! Thanks for the gold and silver kind strangers!


What’s a fun little fact about yourself? (10/18/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I turned 11 on 11/11/11 Edit: 11/11/11 for the non-Americans


I played Baby Jesus in a play. I slept through it. A recurring theme in my life.


I was born without wisdom teeth. If I go to a new dentist they often look at the X-rays and comment that I had my wisdom teeth removed. Nope. Never had any.


I turned legal drinking age in the place where I lived at the time 3 times in my life. First when I was 16. Then when I was 17 they increased the legal age to 18. So I turned legal drinking age again when I was 18. When I was 20 I moved to where legal drinking age is 21, so I had to wait a couple of months again.


I missed the bombing of the Boston marathon because I had a bad headache and decided loud noises would be a bad thing. Edit: when I say loud noises I meant the people who decide they need to cheer at everything.


What should everyone try at least once in their life? [Serious] (10/21/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Go somewhere with no light pollution, on a clear night, and look at the stars.


Exploring different places around your neighbourhood on your own... You never realise what you can find until you try. Then bring someone along with you next time and show them.


Go do a discovery flight, and log the time. General Aviation pilot here. You probably have 2-3 flight schools within 30 miles of your house. They will have something called a "discovery flight". You sit left-seat where the Pilot In Command normally sits, and it's usually somewhere around $70 for a ~45 minute flight. The instructor will handle the take-off and landing, and when you get up there, s/he will give you some headings to fly, maybe an altitude or two to hit, and then take you back to the airport. You get an incredible view of your area, you get to FLY A PLANE, and if you buy a pilot logbook (~$10 on amazon or at the flight school), you can have the instructor sign it and have actual time logged while flying a plane--which you can then use towards your license if you ever pursue it. Even if you have zero desire to actually become a pilot, it's an awesome experience. Gift certificates for Discovery Flights are my go-to for christmas/birthday presents for people that I really like, but don't know what to buy. EDIT: wow, this blew up. Thanks for my first (second, and third) plat! For those commenting on the price, your mileage may vary when it comes to that, but in general, Discovery Flights are operated at a loss. For example, at my flight school, C172 time is $130 wet (fuel included), per hour, and instruction is like $55/hr. So $185/hr to fly. But discovery flights are less than half that. Taking a bit of a loss on the discovery allows them to possibly hook a student pilot who may burn ~$7k-11k in a 6 month period to become a pilot, so it's usually worth it for them. Some places may be more, but if you're in an area where they're very expensive, there's also likely multiple options--and one probably far less than the rest. You likely have some places with a few Cirrus and a Piper, and another place with a Cessna 172 and a 152 or something.


Look someone dead in the eyes and say exactly what you think about them. See how it turns out


Kinda an umbrella, but learn a "post-apocalypse skill." (That's what I call them in my head.) Mine was blacksmithing. I took a blacksmithing course over the summer, and learned a staggering amount about what it takes to take raw materials and turn them into useful tools. I have a background in geology, and metallurgy has always interested me, so it made sense. Seriously, find something low or no-tech that makes you feel accomplished. Woodworking. Smithing. Animal husbandry. Archery. Soap making. Bee keeping. Hell, grow some corn. Something to remind you where we've been as a species.


If WWIII or a plague broke out and killed a million people every day, it would still take 21 years to wipe out the human race. There sure are a lot of people. (10/19/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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And even that is assuming it reaches Greenland before they close their ports.


You’re saying a billionaire with seven billion dollars could spend a million dollars a day for 21 years until they ran out of money?


If you take into account that humans tend to breed like lice, especially after mass losses of population, it might take a few more years.


But as the fatalities go up the rate at which people die will slow down.


But out of these million people a day how many will be doctors or nurses or the people who manufacture pharmaceutical drugs or even farmers or fishermen or whatever else, I think we would starve or die of easy to cure illnesses before the plague killed us...


[Serious] Redditors who were the final people to see a missing person, have they been found? And how has their disappearance affected you? (10/21/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I am positive me and my little brother were the last ones to see my father alive. We were waiting for the school bus and saw him driving back home with a strange look on his face. We waved to him, but he didn’t wave back. After that he went missing. A couple of weeks later, he was found dead hanging from a tree. It was a suicide. It is a scene in my head that gets replayed in my head often and it hurts me to imagine whatever might have been going through his head. I miss him so much Edit: Thank you all for all the love and support. You may not think that your comments mean much, but they mean the world to me knowing that I have all of your support. Thank you all so much!


I was the last person to see a patient of mine before his brother locked him in his basement for a few weeks. The patient was eventually found. I felt really privileged to have helped. By chance, he gave me his brother’s address as a forwarding address and the police went looking for him there. When found, my guy was dehydrated and had a broken jaw, but ultimately did well. His brother is currently on a secure psychiatric ward.


A friend in college had left a party we were at because he had remembered he left his jacket in another persons dorm. Nobody heard from him the following day; most figured he was drunk and just passed out somewhere. I even left a voicemail on his phone like "Where are you? LOL hope you aren't dead!" Days turned into weeks, there were campus-wide man-hunts with hundred of volunteers... his body finally turned up in an electrical closet 6 weeks later. Accidental electrocution.


I worked in a very small public library, years ago. There was a young man, maybe 8 to 10 years older than me that came in every few days for several months. He was very intelligent, and extremely interesting. We talked often. One day he came in, we talked for a while and he asked me to make sure he had returned everything he had checked out. I did, and before he left he thanked me for always helping him and being nice, etc. He walked up the street to his apartment and shot himself. I always wished that I had realized he was saying goodbye.


I was the last person to see a patient admitted with major depression after his divorce, just found out he didn't receive custody of his kids. The senior doctor decided he was low risk because he had no significant mental health history, didn't disclose any specific plans to hurt himself, and appeared very well and optimistic. When asked about his occupation during the interview, he vaguely mentioned he worked for the law. So he had unescorted day leave to pick up some toiletries, I held the door on his way out. Never saw him again. Two weeks later a stranger found his car on the side of the road, bullet in his head. Turned out he was a police officer and had access to a gun to shoot himself.


You’ve been granted the power to bless people with minor conveniences. How do you make their lives slightly better? (10/18/2019) ~ AskReddit

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The tv remote is exactly where they expect it to be


Allow a person’s deodorant to work longer and better than initially anticipated.


They always have that “forgotten dollar” in their back pocket.


You never forget any login names or passwords when needed. But they are also unique and unhackable.


Goes to sleep 2 minutes after hitting the pillow.


There are probably more guns in vehicle gloveboxes than actual gloves, but renaming them gun boxes would likely be received poorly. (10/19/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I mostly put napkins in mine.


Owners manual boxes just seemed a bit ridiculous


There are probably more dishes in cupboards than cups.


Is this an american joke that I am too european to understand?


Glock box


What’s the worst defense you’ve seen someone make in a court? (10/16/2019) ~ AskReddit

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We had a guy in court when I worked in CPS who beat his kid with a belt. In court, he asked the judge if he could take off his belt and demonstrate how hard he hit his kid by using his jacket on the back of a chair. The judge was like "Whatevs, go for it". I was expecting him to half ass it but the guy WAILED on the chair until the bailiff told him "that's enough...". The entire courtroom was like, "Holy shit dude...". And that's how I got quite possibly the easiest child removal to date. (Not that I had any thought I'd lose the case, the pictures were horrific and that kid will have scars from that beating for life.)


I took a guy to small claims court. His defense was "I didn't have the product, so I couldn't ship it to him, obviously." The judge was like "but you took his money?" The guy: "Yea, so I could buy the product and ship it to him." Judge: "Did you do that?" Guy: "Not yet." Judge: "do you have his money?" Guy: "No, I had had an emergency and had to spend it." That was that, I won.


I saw this go down while waiting for my traffic ticket. Judge: So, you were seen pulling a stop sign out of the ground and throwing it in the river. Accused: Yes, sir. J: Were you drunk? A: No, sir. J: The ticket says you were intoxicated. A: No, sir. J: OK, let's say I believe you. I will thow out this drunken disorderly charge. A: Thank you, sir. J: But, I will have to charge you with the destruction of government property and endangering the public. That comes with at least a year in jail. So I'll ask one more time. Were you drunk? A: Yes, sir. Very drunk, sir.


My sister told the judge that the light “wasn’t that red”. Then he said he was going to suspend her license and she said “ but my dad already took it away”


I defended a guy on a DUI that jumped into the backseat after he got pulled over, and claimed someone else was driving. He was the only one in the car.


LPT: Shift + Backspace deletes word by word, rather than letter by letter. (10/21/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Something I should have known long ago. Thanks.


CTRL + Arrow keys moves the cursor one word at a time


Don't you mean Ctrl + Backspace?


On the Gboard (Google's Android keyboard) you can swipe left from the backspace button to delete words. Also, swiping Space will move the input cursor.


In notepad++, holding alt and selecting multiple lines will let you select characters by column. Useful for removing line numbers etc. Blew my fucking mind when i saw it first


Doctors, whats it like when you get sick? Do you go to the doctor or diagnose yourself? (10/20/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Doc here. As a general rule: - Med students are hypochondriacs - Doctors are invincible


My pediatrician once told me an amusing story about when her daughter got sick. She brought her daughter in to Urgent Care (among her co-workers) and was freaking out, not sure what could be wrong with her daughter. Her co-workers looked at her and went "... You're a *pediatrician*..." "I KNOW BUT I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT."


This may vary according to your country, but if I get sick I can diagnose myself in the sense that I can say "yep, this is probably X, I should do this and that test or take this or that drugs" but I cannot self-prescribe anything. I need another doctor to prescrive it for me. No pharmacy can accept a prescription with the same name for the doctor and the patient, and no clinic can accept a request for an exam. The only exception is for use in an emergency, in that case I can self-prescribe.


My father is a radiologist. He had been having shortness of breath and chest tightness worsening over a few months. One day, after work was done and the clinic was closed, he hopped in the CT scanner and read his own CT scan. Massively enlarged lymph nodes all through his body - lymphoma. He's alive and well after diagnosing himself with cancer years ago! EDIT: Holy shit, this blew up. To address FAQs: he is a partner in a private practice group that owns their own outpatient imaging centers, thus he was able to use the scanner informally. Yes, I know we are privileged to be a medical family and he is so lucky to have access to care that isn't affordable for a huge chunk of the US population. MEDICARE FOR ALL. I'm not sure if he had a partner stay behind to help with the scanner, I'll have to ask. And he is 17 or so odd years in remission from stage 4 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and doing fantastic. Retiring in a month after 45 years in radiology!


The saying “doctors make the worst patients” is true for a reason. Most of the doctors I work with (myself included) wouldn’t hesitate to diagnose ourselves, and have on many occasions. Obviously this comes with some bias, but I like to think that I’m able to tell the difference between: A. This isn’t serious I can deal, vs B. Maybe it’s time to get a real work up On that note, I have a particular anecdote: My attending (lead doctor while I’m in residency) recently had an emergency appendectomy. He has a history of kidney stones, and assumed that acute right lower quadrant pain was another one. By the time he realized maybe this is a situation “B”, his appendix had become gangrenous Edit: Holy crap this blew up overnight. Got a busy day but I’ll try and respond to a lot of the questions as the day goes on. Figured I’d clarify a couple things that were touched on in other posts: 1. My attending is just fine. Got his appendix removed and was back at work the next week. 2. The whole self diagnosis thing only goes so far. Really depends on the severity of your issue and how much work up is required. For instance: if it’s a suspected muscle strain or something, I’ll easily diagnose myself and do appropriate stretches. If I’m a little unsure, maybe ask a colleague for a informal second opinion. Because it’s not that serious and requires minimal work up (essentially a diagnosis made by exam) this is no issue. HOWEVER, if let’s say “I think this might be more serious, I think I need a CT scan” or something, you can’t just do that on your own. You need to actually book yourself an appointment and get formal when up. Those scans aren’t cheap and you can’t just sneak your way in. Plus, I wouldn’t trust myself to read the images! 3. If I’m confident I have a mild infection (let’s say for example pink eye) I wouldn’t necessarily go to the clinic and waste an afternoon/money, but would just ask a colleague for a prescription for the appropriate eye drops 4. You technically CAN write prescriptions for your family, but it can be frowned upon and seen as suspicious depending what it is (ex: an antibiotic vs large amounts of oxy). It is pretty difficult to write a script for yourself though. 5. Another anecdote: In college I had significant anxiety. My dad, a radiologist (reads xrays, CT’s, etc), not knowing anything about psych issues, wrote me a long-standing Rx for Lorazepam (a benzo like Xanax). This was not the right thing, but I didn’t know better. It was essentially a band aid that didn’t attack the problem at the source (not to mention studies have since come out saying daily benzo use can contribute to end of life dementia). I didn’t REALLY tackle my problem until I started seeing a psychiatrist and got on an SSRI instead. This is an example of how it can bite you in the ass. 6. LAST ANECDOTE: I have what is called a lipoma on my abdomen. A benign, painless fat cell tumor that is, for me, the size of a quarter (some can get massive!). Really just unaesthetic, but not harmful. Instead of formal, paid work up, I went to my mom (who is an ultrasound tech) to get a free scan. Then I brought the image to my dad (a radiologist) who interpreted it as just a lipoma, nothing to worry about. So I did get a formal work up, but not through formal channels. And now I’m happy living with my lipoma care free! (I named him Stevie) If you guys have any other questions I’m more than happy to answer! AMA I guess!


What do the rich buy that the poor don’t even know is available for purchase? (10/21/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Kidnapping insurance


Private jet timeshares. For those not quite rich enough for their own private jet, or those rich people wanting to be a bit frugal.


Time. All that crap you do - commuting, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning your house, waiting on hold, paying bills - all those chunks of your life that are eaten up by minutiae - rich people buy out of all that routine garbage. Time is all you really get in your life. Rich people buy it back.


Something they do that most people don’t know about is buy entire libraries at once. My sister used to work at a bookstore, and told me someone came in and wanted to furnish their library with a library size purchase of books. They just wanted cherry picked best sellers left to the discretion of the people working there. It sounded wild. Edit: this place is a wealth of knowledge, and I’m here for it. Had no idea you could buy books by the foot. What a bizarre idea!


Landing 747s in small airports. I grew up around Lexington, KY. The region is huge on horses, particularly Thoroughbred horses. The entire city is surrounded by horse farms, and these farms breed some of the best racing horses in the world. The rich and famous will often come here to buy Thoroughbreds to add to their breeding stock. One such person is a shiek from Dubai (i think?) who owns his own private 747. Now the local airport isn't rated for 747s, and it's not legal to land one there unless it's a emergency. The shiek doesn't care though and lands his 747 there anyways. The airport fines him every time he does this, which he is totally fine with paying. I've been told that many of the upgrades to the airport over the years where almost entirely funded with money from those fines.


Fellow non-drinkers of alcohol, what’s your reason why? (10/17/2019) ~ AskReddit

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My dad abused alcohol so I have grown up with hate to it


Mostly because I feel like crap after drinking.


As an asian, I can only drink one bottle of light beer or else I’ll turn into a walking tomato


It’s expensive, and I’m poor.


Lack of interest or desire to.


What little things keep you happy? (10/17/2019) ~ AskReddit

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If I brought up something in a conversation about what I wanted to do and the next time we meet the other person asks how it went, it makes me feel good and I actually feel like I exist.


When my friends text me first Edit: We get it, none of you have friends.


Okay so at my schools lunches your allowed to do whatever you want as long as no one gets hurt there's no drugs and you don't get out of your seat, so my friends and I play uno everyday. Now this has resulted in a few things, A. There's a group of six kids who are just randomly fantastic at Uno from playing everyday for three years B. People know us as the Uno table and if someone has no one to sit with they play Uno with us It makes me happy when a new kid comes and sits with us cause we know we may have made a friend (none of us knew each other before this Uno thing) and we may have just made this kids day by giving them a place to sit when they're trying to navigate a new school. Also the school resource officer plays with us once a month and always manages to win. Edits: Thanks for the gold it’s much appreciated and wow on my first ever comment To answer some questions: we play crazy uno with stacking and swap hands cards and alliances so it’s truly a game of skill at this point just like poker. Also I’m a girl in Florida in the Orlando area.


The fact that my cat sleeps at the foot of the bed on my side whenever I'm in bed. She's not very outwardly affectionate, so it's sweet that she tries to be close to me when she thinks I don't notice.


Showers. I looooooove showers. I once went on a mission trip to Jamaica and the place I stayed at was considered fairly nice, and they even had issues with water supply. I would be shampooing my hair and suddenly the water would just shut off. Access to warm running water is a luxury. I am always in disbelief that I get to come home to a warm shower every night...for those of us who can, dont let that little gift go unnoticed. its truly a privilege


Whatever you make now, what would $12k more a year help you with? (10/20/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I make like $3000 a year as a college student so I'd probably get stuff on my car fixed.


I could pay student loans off twice as fast or cover half of daycare costs.


Paying off my credit card, finish dental work I need done, starting a business with my dad. Also just talking about how much less stressful the holidays will be for everyone.


I'd put it towards retirement


Andrew yang is that you


If water hydrates you and saltwater dehydrates you, there must be some critical water:salt ratio where you neither gain or lose hydration (10/17/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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That my friend is phosphate-buffered saline - a saltwater solution that matches the physiological conditions inside the body so that cells neither gain nor lose water.


The water giveth and the salt taketh away


There's a word for that specific ratio: "isotonic" It's 9 grams NaCl dissolved in water to a total volume of one liter AKA Normal Saline


Normal Saline Solution


0.9% NaCL in H2O


LPT: If your clothes don’t smell fresh even after washing, it could be your machine. The easiest way to get rid of mold in your machine is to use 1-2 dishwasher tabs or some detergent and do a cycle without clothes. (10/20/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Also check the dryer duct. I rented a house once, Clothes came out of the dryer smelling awful. Turns out a family of rats got into the dryer duct and starved to death. Edit - can’t spell on my phone.


Try vinegar as a softener. Softener tends to leave a residue, which builds up over time and develops mould and odours.


Also, leave the door open after washing so it don't stay humid


That's when I break out the bleach! (Regular soap does f-all to mold!)


Could be buildup of other softeners or your machine itself. I’ve used these steps with much success after finding online somewhere: 1. Run washing machine on quick HOT load with about a cup of vinegar only. 2. Run a second quick HOT load with detergent. 3. Dry as usual. Clothes/towels will no longer have that dingy odor and will smell great.


LPT: Find a pair of socks you REALLY like and only buy the same pair so you always get a matching pair of socks from the basket after washing them. (10/18/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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OK I'm at the end game of two years of doing this and my newer sock are thinned out so I have to sort through them all and figure out which ones to toss.


Lol, nice try. Every 6 months they change their design in a subtle way that will drive you fucking bananas


I've done this. Found a set I really liked, kept the package they came in, went back to the store to find the exact set again. If they didn't have them, I'd order them online. Was like an 8 pack of pairs of socks. Every time I got another 8 pack, I'd throw away 8 old pairs till eventually I only had the kind I like. Now, when doing laundry, all my socks can be pairs with each other. No more sorting them out. Edit: this sort of blew up so I'll elaborate more. They're black socks, they're actually a 6 pack not an 8 pack, "Champion Men's Extended Ankle Socks". They're one size too big for me so they sit comfortably higher than my ankle. I also did the same thing with underwear, I'm more of a boxer briefs guy personally so I got a 6/8 pack multiple times. I can go 3/4 weeks wearing a new pair of socks/underwear every day before I have to do laundry, this really is a good LPT.


my obnoxious mind would be like ‘*that pair is dirtier on the bottom! you can’t put it with that clean sock!*’ and i’d have to go through alll the socks to try and match the level of worn-outness, whether it’s dingy or stretched out more.


Smart. But, as someone who sells nothing but socks for a living, I can tell you that you are making a mistake. The companies that make the socks will change either the style or the materials the socks are made from. They will also discontinue the socks after a few years. Sure, you can buy in bulk to last you, but when that last pair dies and you have to get a new type of socks, you'll be sad/angry. I've got a customer who only wears Goldtoe, the Navy blue Bermuda style, to be specific. Goldtoe used to sell them in single pairs. That changed and they came in 3 packs. This customer threw a fit when she learned she had to buy a pack of socks, instead on one pair every 6 months. She bought the pack. Goldtoe has since stopped making the socks she wants. This bitch is gonna throw an even bigger for when she comes in on one of our busy days and I tell her that. Holy crap, I did NOT expect this comment to blow up like this!!


They say once data is on the internet it’s on there forever, however that seems to change once you try to find that awesome Flash game you played 10 years ago. (10/16/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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RIP all those awesome old LEGO.com games


Or club penguin for free


Newgrounds is working to preserve that. All of it. Even what wasnt on their site.


r/tipofmyjoystick I just found the sub the other day, hopefully someone else finds use!


Or pornos


You can choose a superpower, but the first person to reply can choose a side effect. What superpower do you choose? (10/21/2019) ~ AskReddit

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The ability to reply to my own comment


The ability to stop time for 1 hour each day.


Creating black holes that sucks everything into it


Body swap


mosquitoes arent fucking biting me all the time


People who don’t comment on posts, why not? (10/16/2019) ~ AskReddit

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My comments don't feel important if I think about it for too long, and I generally can't write something without overthinking it.




Sometimes I spend 5 minutes writing an interesting comment in the comment box, but after some thinking, I just delete it and dont comment anything Edit: Wow thanks for the Gold and Silver!


Y'all scare me and that's why


Because there's no point in posting a comment that says pretty much the same thing as another comment someone else already posted. It's just noise.


What would be the worst possible movie quote to yell as you climax? (10/17/2019) ~ AskReddit

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“Keep the change you filthy animal...”




"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside"


Cum with me if you want to live


"Who's your favorite little rascal?"


If you suddenly disappeared right now, what different actions have you performed in the last 24-48 hours that people would think is related to your disappearance? (10/16/2019) ~ AskReddit

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For the first time, in all the years my wife has known me, I joined and worked out at a gym today. I feel like she wouldn't be able to look past that lol


I filled my car with gas and completely shaved my head on a whim


Wrote a giant "G" on my hand. Might've seemed unusual, but I just really didn't want to forget to get groceries.


Didn't call my mom yesterday.


Skipped classes for the first time today AND forgot to call my mom


If you suddenly woke up and it was September 10th 2001 how would you stop 9/11? (10/19/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I would spend my day buying Apple and Amazon stock. Then the next morning I’d be like “shit I was supposed to do something...”


Go pull the fire alarms


I'd call in a bomb threat for the towers from an anonymous number. I'd call as many news stations as I could and make demands. They'd evacuate the towers and the impact would be minimised. I couldn't remember anything else pertinent like the airlines involved or the names of the people involved so it would be too hard to stop 9/11, but I might save some lives.


I reckon the best you could do is pull the fire alarms in the buildings around 8:20 am. Not sure what's reasonable or not, enough time for thousands of people to evacuate the buildings, but long enough outside that all or almost all the people would not be in the building when the planes hit. This doesn't even account for the people on the planes or the Pentagon. You would need lots of people to stop everything.


I go to Dallas and kill my baby self, causing a tear in the space time continuum and destroying the fabric of reality. It stops 9/11 though


The location of your mailbox marks how far you can from your house in a robe before you look like a mental patient. (10/19/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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A robe is just a cape with sleeves....


Can walk*


Unless your mailbox is across the (fairly busy) road from your house. 😛


My mailbox is 40 houses down. Would def get picked up by the police before I could get back home from retrieving the mail.


I'm in the UK, the letterbox is in the front door. Not sure if that's a plus or not?!


The “Allow to cool for 2-5 mins” instructions on packaging has to be the nicest way of saying: it’s hot idiot, don’t eat it yet. (10/18/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Reminds of a meme i saw...”Do yall let food cool down out of the microwave or do ya hasafrasjhshahfra that shit?”


Actually, it's because of the uneven heating of the microwave. If you eat it right away, there's a chance of scalding spots and still-cold spots. Giving it time to rest helps to even out the temperatures, kinda like resting a steak.


The food is still cooking even after it's out of the microwave... they tell you to wait so it can finish cooking


My technical writing professor in college said a good rule of thumb for instructional writing was to pretend you’re writing instructions for the dumbest friend you know. And then re-write it for the dumbest friend they have. Clear, obvious, and concise.


It's so they don't get sued. That's not even the nicest way of saying it. It's clinical language there to protect the company and explain as plainly as possible.


LPT: When reading a company’s Glassdoor pay attention to the date of the review. If you notice a lot of good reviews in a short time frame then that means that HR sent out a bulletin for employees to write reviews for the company. (10/19/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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This actually backfired at my company. CEO put out message asking employees to leave honest reviews. We were at about a 3.5. within a week or so, we dropped to about 2.5. Executive team shows up at our location with a sort of "why would you publicly say such things about your company?" kind of attitude. I was really proud of my coworkers. We kept it professional, but talked about the low raises, the low growth potential, the hiring from outside, the secrecy, the politics, the safety hazzards, the stress, all of it. It actually was productive, and changes are visibly being made.


This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. About 4 years ago our HR Department was hearing a concern from candidates that there weren’t reviews for us on there, so they sent an email to current and previous team members asking for a review to be left. We got honest (both good and bad) reviews posted and it made us more appealing to candidates. As a current employee who likes the company (most days), I’d never once thought about reviewing the company for potential employees, so I was glad they mentioned it. I’d never even heard of Glassdoor until that moment. Edit: spelling


In general people don't just offer up positive or neutral reviews, so a bit of prodding to people who are generally satisfied (you know, those who aren't quitting or haven't just quit) won't really inaccurately distort the reviews.


"Great team atmosphere. Never asked or told to write positive reviews with a loaded gun pointed at my head. No need to ***SEND HELP*** (;". -Tyler in accounting. Cubicle 14. 3rd floor.


More to the point, it's a red flag if all of the positive reviews look copied and pasted by the same writer with minor revisions. That just means it's some HR admin blasting the reviews to make up for the negative ones. If the positive ones are all clearly written in different styles and tones and lengths, then the chances are good that they're genuine.


Left handed people push their pencils, while right handed people pull their pencils. (10/21/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Fuck Spiral Notebooks Gang E: thanks for the gold, stranger.


having graphite smudged all over the side of your hand is a struggle only lefties face edit: ok not only lefties, but to a much higher degree im sure


Okay, this is actually true. And it makes me uncomfortable.


All I know is it's super hard for left-handed people to pick up calligraphy because they smear the ink but it can be done I've seent it


Kinda gives new meaning to the term, "pencil-pushers."


LPT: When making homemade fries, after slicing the potato, soak the slices in a bowl of cold water. Some of the starches will release into the water, which makes the inside of the fries tender while the outside remains crispier. (10/16/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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Your timing posting this is incredible, I'm literally making homemade fries right now!


Soaking them long for frying potatoes is good. For baked fries, which I do often, I've found that soaking them for only about 5mins is ideal. If I soak them longer, they stick.


Cook here, acidify the water with some lemon/lime juice, or a bit of vinegar The same process happens faster but it preserves the taste better, leaves that unique texture/look, and allows better control over crisping at the late stages of frying You can deep fry with a regular pot as well, only thing is you NEVER fill more than half, ideally keep it to 1/3 filled with oil (canola, safflower are the best typically)


And then fry them twice! Light fry first, then cool them down and fry a second time for beautifully crispy fries.


My grandma taught me that and also to add salt to the cold water. I don’t know if it makes a difference (the salt) but it sure makes good chips (fries).


What shouldn’t be attractive but it is? (10/21/2019) ~ AskReddit

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My gf wearing my clothes


apparently men's forearms when their long sleeves are rolled up.


Whats the deal with lip biting? What does it even mean? Why is it so hot?


Women's butts Poop comes from there, but I also want to put my face there. I want to thank whoever gave me gold, butt I don't deserve it.


Carrying multiple chairs at once So hot


What’s a toxic trait you have? (10/16/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I don't have the motivation to finish things. I'm always excited to start something, but then lose interest. It's affected a few friendships where I lost the motivation to stay in touch with people, not because we grew apart but because I naturally became detached.


I tend to talk more about things that I hate or that annoy me than things I love or make me happy. Very damaging to forming new relationships Edit: Well, the response to this comment will definitely not be one of the things I talk negatively about, cheers for the words of advice and the metallic gifts!


Overthinking and jumping to conclusions


I have a really difficult time reacting emotionally to somebody who is sad/upset/crying. I have no issue laughing when somebody else is, or mad when somebody else is. But I cannot relate on an emotional level when I see sadness. That part of my brain never fires.




What’s a level 1 enemy in real life? (10/19/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Ants. You can beat this shit out of them, you get better at it the more you do it. If you are young they can fuck you up easier than if you were older and if you afk and let them beat the shit out of you, you could probably die eventually if they were like Fire Ants or something.


Pigeons that fly almost straight at you.


Toddlers if you’re going the Evil route.


A random old man in a flat cap who says "You can't park that there!"


A Spiderweb you’ve walked into. You instantly throw your arms up and attack as well, defeating it.


All clothes are gender neutral if you don’t give a shit (10/17/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Doesn't that make effectively everything gender neutral?


Shawls for everyone!


My nuts and this thong would beg to differ


People ask me why I wear women’s clothes. They’re not women’s clothes. I bought them. They’re my clothes.


Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.


LPT: Spend a day looking through all the online stuff you Favorited and forgot. You’d be blown away by how much interesting and useful stuff is in there. (10/18/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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... man I was a horny kid


"Yeah, I browse reddit because it is a good source of information and i learn a lot of things that I wouldn't get elsewhere" *Sees interesting link to article* "Damn thats cool, I'll save it for later" *Continues to scroll mindlessly and never reads article*


Good tip! Saving this for later


I did this recently, got a ton of 404's and domain parking pages. A few cool pages still around though.


I save all the reddit videos I think my fiance will like. Once every few weeks I'll make him watch them and sit looking over his shoulder giggling and checking his reactions to the videos to see if he likes them too.


You don’t know which date you’re born until someone tells you (10/16/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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How do we know today is Wednesday? We just have to trust that whoever kept track of it 1000 years ago is right


My grandfather never knew the day he was born. Family lore held that it was on one of two days, but he was born at night and at home in an isolated community, so the birth certificate is a *guess*.


You don't know *anything* until someone tells you.


You don’t know when you’re born for sure even after someone tells you if you have trust issues and mom drinks a lot.


Whenever someone asks me my date of birth I always say "I've been told it's...". Having no first-hand knowledge of the event, I cannot say for certain.


Laser Tag employees of Reddit, What was the weirdest things you’ve seen happen in the Arena? (10/19/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Went in with a group of old army buddies (two were qualified sharp shooters) and got absolutely WRECKED by a team of 10-12 year olds. Little bastards were so fast.


During a birthday party, for a teenager, a 16 year old girl took a shit on the carpet. She was also the birthday girl.


Worked at a small family run laser tag for about 3 years. I saw so much weird stuff over the years, and with 3 floors in pretty much total darkness (only lighting was UV lights) I knew I was pretty much bound to find weird stuff going on. The worst thing I happened to find was a group of friends (about 7 or 8 people) came in to play a few games. Fast forward to their second game and as the game is going on, I walk around a corner to a couple, with her hands down his pants and his hand down her pants, fully going at it. Obviously I had to ask them to leave, although I did want to know what made them even want to do that when there were kids around too. The most SFW weird thing I saw was probably 3 or 4 dad's had unenthusiastically joined the game and found them in a large open space on the ground floor trying to beat each other doing handstands. I later found out they were dad's of kid gymnasts.


I wasn't an employee, but I was playing laser tag against a group of random kids, and while in the match I saw a kid who took off his laser vest and all his clothes down to his undies, and was running around shooting at people with his laser gun, with the vest dragging by the cord behind him on the floor. Wasn't sure how to react, but he got me with his gun as I wasn't prepared for that.


One day, a birthday party comes in. Everything went normal until the match ended and everyone had to come back. They all made it back and had cake, except for two little dildos who thought it would be hilarious to camp in one of the corners. Everyone noticed they were gone and panicked. Two other employees went looking for them in the arena, and found them. What was strangest is they decided to make a shit and piss hole if they were gonna be camping there. That was no fun to clean tl;dr: Couple kids took a shit and I had to clean it


Hallucinatory drugs are real life mods (10/18/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I love the one that turns the regular dragons into Thomas the Tank Engine


And if Skyrim taught me anything be careful mixing mods and if you fuck up the load order the whole thing fucking crashes


Don't use them in multiplayer.


For those of you that have tried psychedelics, you know that they're really just like turning up the resolution haha Edit: Read the rest of my comments in this thread if you're looking to take the plunge into psychedelia.


Weed is a mood mod.


Redditors, let us guess your country! What are some weird and wonderful facts about your home land? (10/16/2019) ~ AskReddit

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depressed alcoholics and swimming in ice water


It's normal for us to not have a government for more than a year after the elections


We put paprika in 99.9% of our dishes


My country is the only country in the world with a musical instrument as its national symbol.


We used to have a TV show that combined being a children's show with soft core porn.


LPT: If you find someone’s wallet, bring it to their bank (check credit/debit cards). The bank will have their most updated contact info. The address on ID may not be the most updated. (10/15/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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I had the strangest thing happen once. I lost my wallet with ID and credit cards. I think it fell out of my car when I opened the door. Called my bank and CC companies, cancelled everything. Replaced my ID. **Two years later** I get an envelope in the mail with my wallet inside. No return address. Postmark from a major city about an hour away. Everything was intact including all ID and still had like $17 in cash. It was clean so hadn't ended up in the trash. Never did figure it out. Oh, if wallets could talk.


I found a wallet on the side walk once. Searched the person on the ID on Facebook. Called him via fb messenger and got his wallet back to him right away since he was still in the area looking for his wallet. He was super grateful. Also drunk and took a while to figure WHY I had his wallet and how I called him. Lol good times.


When I worked as a cashier, someone once left their credit card at the register. Thinking I was being smart and helpful, I called the number on the back of the card, gave them the card information, and asked if they would contact the owner to pick it up at the store. Nope. They told me they were deactivating the card and for me to cut it, that they would issue the customer a new card. Well, who should come back just an hour later to pick up the card that I’d cut in half? Yep. The customer. And that’s how I learned my lesson.


I left my wallet on my bumper at a gas station. The finder saw it fall off. I had the wallet copy of my RN license in the wallet. They called the closest hospital. I wasn’t even home from work before the charge nurse called me. Serendipitously, the finder was a business owner in the town where I live 25 miles from the hospital. I went to their business to collect my wallet. They had a 165# King Shepherd that I got to pet. 8/10 would lose wallet again.


Place a piece of paper inside your wallet with your phone number address and emergency contact info. A simple note will get your wallet back to you


The most unrealistic part about harry Potter is he has an invisibility cloak and he uses it for reading books. (10/17/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Maybe reading books was a PG metaphor for wanking one off?


I mean, when he used it to sneak into the library he was 11. So there’s a pretty good chance he would’ve still thought girls were gross at that point.


He actually uses it to break the rules.


Dude, do you have any idea how expensive textbooks can be?


He couldn't frick girls bcs as said „Why girls can enter boys's dormitory but boys can't enter girls's?“ „Maybe it's because our founders thought that boys are more likely to do something bad.“ If he would try to enter girls's dormitory spell Glisseo would automatically activate and stairs would transform themselves into a slide


[Serious] What is the creepiest thing you don’t talk about in your profession? (10/18/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Sometimes when we deliver a stillborn baby that passed a while ago the head may come off in delivery. Fortunately it usually doesn’t.


The fact that human organs are shipped like regular packages at FedEx. I see them almost everyday, its most a company called Cryolife I think. Its for organ donation. But we are very professional and careful with these packages in particular for obvious reasons


Am a nurse. I’d say it’s probably the fact that people know when they’re going to die. They will straight up tell you “today is my last day, thank you for being kind” and you reassure them because their vitals are good, they are taking to treatment well, nothing happening that would indicate a drastic decline. Then, inevitably, you will hear a flatline on the machine and run in and sure enough that patient has passed away. If it hadn’t happened SO many times, I would chalk it up to a few people who just didn’t have the will to live anymore, but I’ve seen it enough, I know that’s not it. Really creepy when you think about it too hard. Edit - Wow! This has blown up. I will be going through my inbox slowly but surely to try and answer questions or comment back. Thank you for the Silver, kind stranger!! 🙂 Edit 2 - Holy cannoli, a silver and two golds!! Thank you bunches guys!! Edit 3 - WOW this has gotten so much more love than I thought it would. Multiple platinum, gold and silver!! For some reason it’s not letting me see some comments, so I’m going to go through them the hard way but will try to reply! If you have any questions, feel free to pm me!


Honestly, the fact that most stuff we deal with causes cancer. Generally, you can be quite safe as a chemist, but it's the long term exposure that's an issue. Being somewhat not safe over time causes lots of issues. Sure, you always hear of someone who got a litre of solvent to the face, or got a toxic powder on their arm and was fine, but it's the sum of all your exposures, not the day to day stuff that kills you. Be smart and be safe: wear gloves, wear a lab coat, don't breath anything in, and work in a fume hood with everything.


I run pools. We make sure our swimming instructors have good training in spotting the signs of child abuse because we see so much more of your kid's body than most other folks in their lives. Bathing suits don't do much to cover up suspicious bruising.


Successful people who got crappy grades in high school or college – what are you doing now and how did (or didn’t) your grades affect your success/career? (10/17/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I got really bad grades in both. When I was in my early thirties, I had a big chip on my shoulder about it and started taking college classes at-large, one at a time. The motivation I had to do well in them was incredible. After a while of that, I was able to take my new transcripts and use them to get into grad school. No one cared that I had gotten poor grades ten years earlier.


Teach college and give other people bad grades. It's the circle of mediocrity. As far as the grades go, nobody looked at them after I graduated. Edit: some people are asking questions. After I got sick of my office job, I got into tutoring, then found a job in a private educational company. Once I've had enough experience universities were offering me jobs. You don't need a PhD to be a university lecturer. For example my family law class was taught by a practicing lawyer, not a full time professor.


The asian way, family business


Not super extremely rich but I'm a plumber and I make as much as some of my software engineer friends


I am currently a scientist and enjoy doing research. I come from a country where emphasis is on memorising rather than learning and applying the said knowledge, I failed a lot during school. Luckily when it was time to look for universities, sister campus of a well known university opened where I lived, their entry requirements were not that bad, I got in and my grades improved massively as I could apply what I learnt. Moved countries to do a masters and a PhD, and here I am now. I still curse my original country's style of education. Edit: thought this would be buried here, but my fellows Indians found me. Yes, I am Indian.


What is an innocent sounding Google search that returns not so innocent results? (10/17/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Back in high school I googled "motivational poster." This was in the school library, so safe search was preset to strict and everything. 3rd image was straight up porn. I think google's gotten smarter about it now, but 10 years ago that kind of shit would slip through all the time.


One time I needed a new baseball bat so I wanted to see if dicks sporting goods had something. I was 8. I went to dicks.com


Black holes. In 9th grade we learned about space in science class and we each had to do a presentation on certain space related topics. Our teacher specifically told the student that was researching black holes to be careful what he clicked on when he went online.


Google: cough Results are fine, but look at all the images of Mr Invisible getting BJs


A brand of nail polish I like is called "Girly Bits". Always have to be super careful of going on their site at work.


What’s the first thought that comes to mind about Australia? (10/19/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I’m Australian and I will never forget how tens of thousands of people petitioned to change our currency to the ‘Dollarydoo’






saw a tradie down at Woolies yesterday arvo with no shirt on and he was getting drilled into by a security guard for having no shirt on, then some random bloke just comes up and gives him a shirt like “here you go mate” and i guess that’s pretty true blue


Lying in bed at 10pm, I just want to sleep but I can hear a fucking mosquito buzzing around my room and any time I turn the light on it disappears. It will either try to take my blood and become a smear on my cheek, or I will not be sleeping tonight.


Even the most innocent people say “Oh shit, a cop”. (10/18/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I say, "Oh sheesh y'all, it's the po-leese."


I feel like sudden stress on the road when I see a cop car even though I’m good driver


A cop was driving in front of me once. He suddenly turned his lights on. For a split second I thought he was pulling me over, then I realized that I was driving behind him.


Although I never do anything wrong in traffic, I still feel incredibly uncomfortable when police car drives behind me.


I fee like this is definitely an American thing


Humans are the most vulnerable when naked, yet there is nothing scarier than having a naked person run at you. (10/16/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Exactly because humans are the most vulnerable when naked. So why is this human running towards me while seemingly in their most vulnerable state. Some of the most obvious answers lead to danger. 1) this person is having some kind of manic episode or completely out of it / illogical / disconnected from reality. (Obviously you dont want to be around a literal crazy person) 2) this person wants to harm or kill me. (They are so focused on hurting or killing you that they didnt even bother to put their clothes on. You're in for a battle) 3) this person is not running towards you but actually something behind them was so terrifying they chose to flee from it in the nude.(brings more questions but definately not good. Murderer, natural disaster, etc.) 4) this person is trying to agressively mate with you...(pretty terrifying, unless you're into that kind of thing...)


I think I'd be more afraid of a naked mountain lion running at me, not gonna lie


There's good naked, and there's bad naked.


Yes there is. A naked person carrying a bloody machete while running at you is scarier than a naked person running at you.


I have worked in a hospital and had naked people running around pell mell at various times. It was not frightening. Ugly though. Very ugly.


How creepy would it be if a baby was born laughing instead of crying. (10/17/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Imagine if a baby came out of the womb and in a voice like Samuel L Jackson just said "my name is John"


It would be more creepy if the baby wasn't making a sound.


Adult laughter, yes. Baby laughter, no


You absolute fool. I am going to be a parasite on you for the next 18 years and you cannot legally get rid of me!


I thought my life was a tragedy. Now I realise, it’s a comedy.


One day people will get annoyed by the person who always brings up the fact that they’ve traveled to Mars and how the trip changed them on a foundational level. (10/17/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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One day, Mars colonists will be fighting for their independence from Earth.


One day people will be born on Mars then go and live on Earth. These people will be much sought after to have sex with, so people can say they've "had sex with a martian".


Oh, by the way, did I ever tell you that I went to Mars? I actually ran a marathon there while on the keto diet. Oh, maybe you didn't know because I deleted Facebook. I don't even miss it.


“Oh yeah bro like mars is cool man. The people there are so chill dog. Its a lot earth before earth went all commercial and sold out” Says dirty space hippie smoking dirty space hippy weed.


I have a friend who is like that with the South Pole. She now refers to that group of people as "poleys" and insists that they're a completely unique and quirky people whose entire life is basically an inside joke.


LPT: Instead of paying for every streaming service at the same time, alternate services every few months. (10/18/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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I used to pay for Netflix every month, but I realized I was barely using it. I keep Amazon Prime for the free shipping, but I pop into a different streaming service every few months if there's something I really want to see. Also by doing this, there's a good chance your free trials will have reset by the next time you want to use Hulu or HBO or whatever. I was able to watch the last few seasons of GoT for free by getting a new trial every year.


Piracy is now trending again because of all the diffrent streaming plattforms and their exclusive stuff. It's the best service again, it has everything of every service and a vpn costs less then any of them if needed.


I use and share services among friends and family. My wife and I pay for Hulu and share it with my parents and brother. My mom pays for Netflix and shares it with us. My parents still have Comcast as a cable and internet provider for some reason, but get HBO with it so they share that with us as well.


LPT: go to college and get these subscriptions for cheaper, so you can procrastinate, binge watch shows because of depression, sleep, and start over just because life is hard, but you have a cheaper subscription


That sounds like way too much administration to me...


Seems weird that dolphins are water based but breath air. It’s kinda like humans having to periodically dip our heads in a bucket of water to take a breath. (10/19/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Yea, it'd be like if we had to somehow get water into our bodies every so often to survive.


it's because, like all whales, they evolved to leave the water first, becoming the common ancestor of both the whale and the horse, then went "this whole 'land' thing sucks, screw this I'm going back in the water", evolving into whales and dolphins; however without being [fish] and instead being [mammal] they were unable to re-acquire gills


I’d like to think we’d just have scuba tanks on our backs, but instead filled with purified water.


Whales too


Maybe dolphins can breathe whale underwater, they just porpoisefully choose not to.


There’s an extremely small chance that all future babies will be the same gender and humanity wouldn’t be able to reproduce just because of bad luck. (10/21/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Life finds a way


Does anyone remember the name of a movie from years and years ago where the world was run by women, every child born was female but one woman gave birth to a son and was hiding him?


This would be mathematically improbable to the point that of it happened we would have to look for some enviromental factor that would cause it. That being said it wouldn't be a problem. We can use some of the millions of frozen eggs and sperm to generate a brood of whatever gender we need, with enough diversity to continue the species.


Only if this keeps happening until the last fertile member of the other sex dies or becomes infertile. So lets say starting 2020, only boys are born. This would have to continue until like 2070+ when the last women born before 2020 become infertile (I‘m not sure how long women can bear children in extreme cases, I‘m guessing there have been much older mothers in the past.) If it‘s only girls, the time we as a species have left would be even higher, as men are fertile much longer. So enough time for literally billions of babies. We‘re looking at a chance of 1 in 2^billions. A theoretical chance at best.


The year is 2657. You or your wife give birth to the first girl in that generation. 18 years pass, and you look outside to find literally every other 18 year old outside your house. What do you do?


What is something people often say but rarely mean? (10/18/2019) ~ AskReddit

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“Let’s get together sometime!”


“I’m good, how are you?”


It's okay In a reply to "I'm sorry" most people don't like saying things like "I accept your apology, but that was not okay" or such things. I try and catch myself saying "its fine" when I don't actually mean it


I have read and agree to the terms and conditions


Living the dream


LPT: If you work in retail and want to call out someone making a mess in your store/department kindly ask them “Am I okay to put this back/away?” most of the time they’ll say they’re done with it and make an effort to not make any more mess. (10/19/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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I’ve been at a retail store for 14 months and I’ve come to find that most customers don’t give a damn regardless of what you say. I feel like boot scum and I’m treated as such. I’m quitting this week.


In a luxury shop maybe . Where they change their baby's diaper on tje top of a neatly folded pile of jeans and let their toddler pee in the changing room, that won't work. I used to follow and fold after some groups of women like that. From a distance. Always from a distance. Staying safe. We could detect them in my team. When they reached the changing rooms we would be 2 in there keeping track of clothes so we could still have a few thing in the actual store, and also so we could keep track of items as most of the time they would steal a few.


Aww, bless. You must be new to retail if you think customer can be that easily controlled. Wait until somebody shits in your aisle.


I just came out of a retail store an hour ago. My better half went shopping. I couldn’t believe how people (not us) throw the clothes all over the place. I tend to pick up stuff that has fallen on the ground. After 10 minutes (and approximately 20 picked up jackets and cardigans) people threw angry looks at me for cleaning up after them.


As a hotel clerk I had a woman texting while her 6 year old girl was running around the valet entrance. Kid was between all the cars and two of the valets had to follow her around so others could move there cars and not run over her. I had to ask the woman to please move her kid. She scoffed and walked over to the roadside, still staring at her phone, the kid sort of followed her. Then the kid starting pulling rocks out of the landscaping, softball sized, and rolling them into the active road for cars to roll over. I had to go talk to her again, she wouldn't even look up or speak back. Her Uber came and took them both.


Getting in shape sucks but being in shape is awesome. Getti g fat is awesome but being fat sucks. (10/19/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Doing cocaine is awesome, problem solved.


I’m fat because I eat and I eat because I’m fat 🙁


Caloric deficit is a low-simmer type of suffering that you become adapted to and accept as part of your progress toward health and aesthetics.


Getting in shape doesn't suck if you know what you're doing, the thought of it does.


My life in a nutshell. I was ripped at two different points of my life. Now I’m a tub of goo. This post nails it.


Adults don’t like teenagers who have no friends and are anti-social, yet assume a group of teenage friends hanging out are up to no good (10/20/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I’m an adult and I have no problem with teenagers who are antisocial.


This is probably more your personal experience as a young person, as an adult I don't give a shit either way.


What adults don't like teenagers who have no friends?


Adults are not likely to dislike a child for being friendless, they are likely to dislike a child for being unfriendly.


> **Adults don't like teenagers** Could have ended it there TBH.


In video games, round things are made of tiny square things, but in real life square things are made of tiny round things (10/18/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I mean technically the tiny square things in video games are made of even smaller round things. I'm sorry.


Technically in 3D video games all things are made of tiny triangles, but..


Are you saying that fundamental particles are round? Because that isn't how it works...


Who said it's tiny round things. What if it's tiny string things instead?


I mean in video games they're all made of triangles


Instead of a haunted house, you run a startled house. How do you startle people without scaring them? (10/17/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Scatter toasters around the house, set to go off at random times.


Have stairs that you have to walk down, and the last step is 1" shorter.


all the chairs lean back a little bit too much.


Advertise it as a haunted house but it's just a normal house with nothing at all strange about it. No music, no actors. Nothing. Just an empty house. Eventually they'll startle themselves.


Be tasked with opening cylinders of grocery store biscuits.


Amazon is a real life version of the Acme company featured in Wile E Coyote and Road Runner Cartoons; you can buy anything you want and have it delivered anywhere immediately. (10/20/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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So tell me why I can’t buy all the tnt and anvils I want?


More like Amazon is the Buy-N-Large company from Wall-E.... They're slowly taking over everything and soon enough we won't be able to function without it.


I can buy an enchanted golden apple anywhere.


...Acme is the real life Acme. They've been around forever.


Rocket skates?


The farther you go from your house, the bigger your home becomes: out of town? The town is your home. Out of state? The state is your home, etc. (10/18/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Up on the space station: “So where are you from?” *points out window at earth* “No fucking shit Carl”


When I'm sitting in my living room I miss my bed


I'm homeless, this planet belongs to me. Everyone off *NOW***.**


And if its a small town your home *moves* to become the nearest city


And when you are out of the country your country becomes your home! Good point OP.


What would the world be like if sex wasn’t pleasurable? (10/19/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Well the Internet would be completely different Edit: Thanks for Silver and Gold, kind stranger!


Hold on, let me go ask my wife. Edit: Gold & silver! I’d like to thank my wife for making this all possible. You’re my inspiration to consistently underperform. (And thank you mysterious benefactors, of course!)


We would probably all be drug addicts.


Human breeding farms. Sex would be a job. Also, I guarantee someone, somewhere would still find it pleasurable.


Well, assuming it’s not displeasurable, sex would be more of a business transaction.


Hearing popcorn pop in a microwave brings joy, hearing other foods pop in a microwave brings anxiety. (10/18/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Hearing metal pop in a microwave brings joy


Conversely, hearing popcorn popping coming to a stop with the microwave still going brings anxiety. Don’t burn the popcorn!


I still freak out when popcorn pops because I forget I'm popping popcorn and I panic


Hearing potatoes ‘cry’ in the microwave brings guilt


You mean to tell me that the unexpected makes people anxious? No that’s crazy talk. /s


What’s an argument that you “lost” because the other person was to dumb to understand your logic? (10/18/2019) ~ AskReddit

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My coworker thinks that police radar guns work by scanning cars to see how hot their engine is... Because the faster you go, the hotter it will be, right? I tried explaining how Doppler radar works, but she remains convinced that she's correct, because, and I quote "My husband has one of those radar guns and uses it when he's cooking on the grill." Your husband has an infrared thermometer, you fuckin' nut.


Guy once told me he was speeding on his motorcycle one night in the freezing cold and was almost caught by a police helicopter with an infra red camera. He said he ditched the copter by taking his coat off and cooling his body down to ambient temperature so the infra red camera couldn't see him. I ignored the fact that he'd be dead if his body temp dropped that much and simply asked why they couldn't pick up the heat from the engine. He said infra red cameras only pick up heat from organic sources. At this point I decided against even trying to argue against any of the ridiculous points he was trying to make and just noped right out of the conversation.


Was trying to ask my neighbours to shut their dogs up at night because we can't sleep. "But my dogs never bark." There they are, barking in the background. Smh and walk away.


A guy I used to work with believed that germs were a myth. He thought "bad air" is what made you sick. We worked in a meat department. Luckily he would wash his hands and keep stuff clean, but his logic was dirty things make bad air. I tried so hard to convince him germs were real. To the point I would print off literature of various educational levels. From kindergarten to college level and he believed it was all a hoax. It drove me up a wall. He also believed the moon landing was fake. We got in heated arguments over it. To the point my boss put a ban on discussing the moon at all.


"You should always drive as fast as possible to get the best MPG. Driving twice as fast cuts your travel time in half and cuts your gas usage in half as well."


There’s a chance that at least one of your teachers have gone home and talked shit about you. (10/21/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I was home schooled so... can confirm.


Thinking back I would think a pretty good chance


Hell, one of ‘Em did it in class in front of other students.


I have a brother who is one year older than me. When I was in high school I had a class with one of my brother’s former teachers and she actually had the audacity to call our mother and said, “how come Sir Q L8 is nothing like their brother? I just really enjoyed teaching the older one and Sir Q L8 isn’t nearly as intelligent or as put together as him!” You don’t think I have grown up hearing that my whole life? Fuck you Ms. Bishop!


My wife being a teacher opened my eyes to just how much this happens. Nothing major but I hear about the bad children.


Your job is to anger an entire fandom. how would you do it? (10/18/2019) ~ AskReddit

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The ending of game of thrones was a masterpiece.


So you guys still watching those chinese cartoons?


"What first walks on 8 legs, then on 4, finally on 2?" The Weasley twins.


My Little Pony is strictly reserved for children age 2 to 8.


Call Link Zelda.


We say people with ADHD or dyslexia have learning difficulties but the one-size-fits-all education system has teaching difficulties. (10/19/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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True, I have Adhd the only thing that made me do super well was computer based learning and more attention from the teacher.


I'm a teacher. It's not a teaching problem, it's a legislation and funding problem.


Shit, I have both. So glad school was decades ago.


Public education has to cater to the masses because it has a pathetic budget. Spend less on the military indistrial system and perhaps it can cater to everyone


I have autism and I've always been terrible at maths. Never understood fractions, but now that I've started doing it in an individual lesson (it's just me and the teacher), I'm really starting to understand fractions. I should have learned earlier, and I'm slightly ashamed I didn't learn earlier, but I'm proud of myself that I'm learning it now.


What is common knowledge in your field, but if you told us, we would think your next level smart? (10/20/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Bridges aren't fixed at both sides, they're traditionally pinned on one side (with two big super-pins), and just rest unfixed at the other end. This helps avoid additional stress as the bridge flexes during use and expands/contracts with temperature change. Edit: spelling Also, thanks for the silver!!


The nerves in your body responsible for conveying touch sensory information conduct a current faster than the ones that are responsible for pain signals. As a result, we believe that the reason a sore spot feels better when you rub it is because the signal from your touch beats the pain signal back to your central nervous system and thus "blocks out" pain. Edit: "blocks out" is a bit strong language. Diminish/interferes with the pain signal may be more appropriate


Applications with login dont actually store your password directly. If they are able to show you your password or send it by mail it is not safe. What safe websites do instead is use a method called salting and hashing. This means doing a 1 way scrambling of your password and then save the scrambled value. When you try to login they take what you wrote in the password field and run it through the same scrambler. If this matches the stored password it means you typed in the correct password. This way if they get hacked or people get access to the database the stored passwords are useless. Super trivial knowledge in programming and IT but most people I've talking to about this outside work have no idea.


A urinary tract infection can cause mental health issues to intensify.


There’s a tape stronger and more resilient than duct tape, that can be removed without leaving residue behind. It’s called gaff or gaffer tape. Its generally only found in theater and film backstages. It’s more expensive than duct but it’s also better. You can get it on Amazon.


What’s one thing you’re excited about that’s coming up in 2020? (10/20/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Going back to being in a proper “decade” again like the 70s, 80s, 90s. I’ve missed that delineation. It’s felt like the last 20 years have merged together because we didn’t have a real name that stuck for those “decades.” Edit: thanks for the gold!


NASA starting moon missions again


The Roaring Twenties 2.0


All of the 2020 vision jokes


I’ll have enough hours in my Union for my dental insurance to kick in


Midwives/gynecologists of Reddit, what’s the weirdest thing you heard from a pregnant woman or her family that made you think they had no prior sexual/medical education? (10/20/2019) ~ AskReddit

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It goes like this: Me: Your pregnancy test came back positive. PT: Oh, I couldn’t be! Me: Are you sexually active? PT: Yes Me: Are you using any birth control? Pt: No Me: Then why don’t you think you could be pregnant? Pt: Because I couldn’t be! Me: ... Repeat scene many times over past 20 years. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Edit: Thank you for the silver! I will pay it forward. I’m very new to Reddit and just figuring it out.


I had a girl call the office because she swallowed a cherry seed and was worried that the baby was going to choke on it.


I used to work at a family planning clinic. Had a 19 year old come in and she was pregnant. She was shocked because she had the Nexplanon (implant in your arm to prevent pregnancy) Doctor didn’t feel the Nexplanon in her arm. Patient says “Oh I got it removed last year.” ... then you aren’t protected from pregnancy. Just a total lack of understanding about how it worked.


We had a woman come to triage one day, in no visible distress, but certain that she was in labor. She denied feeling any loss of fluid, contractions, or pain. When questioned further, she explained that she was already “dilated 4”. She was accompanied by her granny, who explained that SHE had checked her granddaughter at home and she was able to fit four fingers inside the vagina, so she knew it was time. Not in the cervix, in the vagina. 😐


I’ve told this story before, but it bears repeating... I worked as a telephone triage nurse and received a call from a very concerned young lady. She said that she was pregnant and had gone to an appointment with her OB-GYN that day and had some questions. This was relatively common; patients can sometimes feel rushed in the doctor’s office or forget the questions they were going to ask, so they call and ask us later. Me: Ok, no problem! How can I help? Pregnant lady: Well, the doctor told me I can’t have any more sex until after the baby is born! Me: (Looking at her record in the computer) Ok. I see you’re pretty far along and were having some pre-term contractions, which can be caused by sex. So the doctor recommends no sex so that the baby doesn’t come too early. Pregnant lady: BUT HOW WILL I FEED THE BABY?!? Me: Ummmm....what? Turns out, her male partner convinced her that babies needed to eat semen to develop, and this could only be done with PIV sex. I told her this was totally wrong and gave her a quick lesson about the umbilical cord. She was skeptical until I pointed out that single women and lesbians have perfectly healthy babies without constant sex. “Oh, ok! That makes sense!” she said. Then she thanked me and started to hang up the phone- I could hear her calling her partner’s name as she hung up. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation!


People never actually get full from eating cheez-its, they just get tired of eating them. (10/17/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Or they run out, which is always my situation


Or their mouth starts to hurt too much lol


Are you challenging my appetite?


There exists a picture of me asleep cuddling a box of extra toasty cheezits. My fiance jokes that they're my true love. She's not wrong... Should I tell her before the wedding?


Wrong sir. I have eaten cheez-its until I was nauseous. No regrets, definitely still my favorite snack


What is one bitter truth you know about life? (10/19/2019) ~ AskReddit

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No matter how hard you try to be a good person and friend, you’ll never be able to control whether or not someone actually gives a shit about you


The universe is so astounding and we'll never see most of it.


That you are the villain in someone else’s narrative.


That there are always a few people who will always be left out, who will never feel quite at home.


No matter how hard you try, you won't always get what you want.


If dogs could use phones, they’d file missing persons reports all day long (10/17/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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If cats could use phones, they could file domestic abuse everyday.


Dog: "Hello Hooman" Human: "Hello Dog" Dog: "I just sh*t on your couch, here's a pic"


>911, what is your emergency? >bork


I feal like mine would be in a perpetual loop of "what ya doing"


Actually dogs learn what time you come back from work/school. I think it has something to do with your smell fading at a certain time when you come back.


Truckers of Reddit, what is something you have witnessed driving at night that gave you chills? (10/17/2019) ~ AskReddit

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A friend who is a truck driver told me this one. He was driving through the edge of some bushland on his way back to Perth, Western Australia when he hit a kangaroo. He stopped the truck, grabbed his knife (in case he needed to dispatch it), his flashlight, and got out. He went over to the kangaroo. It needed to be dispatched, as it was alive and in immense pain, but he got this weird feeling that he was being watched. He flashed his light around and saw dozens of pairs of red eyes watching him. The whole mob of kangaroos was just standing there watching him kill one of their mates (kangaroos have red eyeshine). He quickly dispatched the kangaroo, bolted back to his truck, and took off. He said it was the creepiest shit he had ever seen on the road.


Where do you want me to start! I'll stick with a story from when I was straight and sober... Coming back from Kununurra (very northern town in Western Australia) to Perth one night. Seen no one else on the road for hours, but every now and then, on a long straight, I could see a set of tail lights in the distance. All of a sudden, there's the tail lights, attached to a trailer that's stopped dead in the middle of the road. I slammed on the brakes and swerved around it, and that's when i realised that the truck, towing 3 trailers had run off the road into the only large tree for miles. If not for how this ended, I'd laugh my arse off at the irony. I pulled forwards, off the road, and jumped out. My co-driver (who'd been asleep, but got thrown out of the bunk when I slammed on the brakes) was already calling emergency services. As I got to the back of my 3rd trailer, wisps of smoke started from under the cab of the Volvo wrapped around the tree. I raced back, grabbed a fire extinguisher and was running towards the wreck when I heard a groan from the ditch, about 10 metres in front of the wreck. The driver had been thrown clean through the windscreen, and while he was an absolute mess, at least he was alive. The Volvo was, by now, in flames. But that just gave me some light to inspect old mate for injuries. And then I heard the sound that, even now, tears me to the core. A thin, high pitched squeal, gradually progressing into the most soul piercing scream I've ever heard. His co-driver had also been asleep in the bunk. And with the truck wrapped around the tree, he was stuck. And I hadn't thought to fight the fire. And now some poor bastard was burning to death, trapped in a steel coffin, while I just collapsed. Impotent and broken. I still drive trucks now. It's my life. It's cost me several relationships and a marriage, but I don't know anything else that I can do. I love the life, I love the freedom, and I always know that I can lose everything in the blink of an eye. But I never again, and never will, drive as a two-up team. I could never live with killing a workmate because I fucked up. Edit: closed parentheses to keep a reader happy!


I25 south of Albuquerque, there's a huge dip, straight down one side of a canyon and up the other. I'm a very safe driver, so i took the downgrade slow and crawled up the other side with my hazards on. Looking in my mirror i see headlights from another truck at the bottom, then 2 jets of flame shoot like 20 feet into the air above it. This truck runs past me doing 80 up the slope. I didn't even know it was possible to put nitrous into a semi, i know it ain't legal, but i thought the devil himself was riding up on me.


When I was about 12 our family vehicle broke down on the side of the highway. The two adults asked me and my ten-year-old cousin to go walking and find a payphone because one was heavily pregnant and the other was disabled. We walked for about 2 mi when a trucker pulled over and asked what we were doing. We explained the situation, and he said to get in the truck and he would take us to Walmart. He was an older black man with a gray beard and a heavy foreign accent. As we climbed into his truck, he told us we should never ever ever get in the truck with a strange man because it's extremely dangerous, but we did it anyway and he took us to Walmart and we called somebody to come help us. Any random truck driver could have raped us and killed us easily. But thankfully, this one didn't!


Not mine but my grandfathers. One night after completing his water delivery he stops at a roundabout to let the other car go thru but it doesn't and soon people hop out with knives and tools and they yell at him to cut the engine and to hop out of the truck. He guns it smashing their car out of the way and goes around the roundabout and drives to the nearest police station and tells them what happens. He thinks they were trying to steal the bulldog from his truck cause the only way to get it is to steal it or buy a Mack truck.


Law students take years to learn all the laws, but as a civilian you’re just expected to know and obey then all. (10/17/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Lawyer here. You don't learn "laws" in law school. We have to look them up just like y'all.


Also lawyer - we don't learn laws. Nobody can learn all the laws. But you make a good point. There are those who believe there are too many laws. There is a law professor who says that there are so many laws and they are so complicated - that your average suburban worker commits about three felonies a day without being aware of it.


Imagine cops having to uphold and enforce them and how little schooling is actually needed


Law student here..... I wish it was as easy as remembering a book of laws. Gotta read all the books of all the decisions and then maybe you might know some of the laws until some judge like lord Denning decides nah I dont like that ruling and you gotta start all over again.


Who told you lawyers know every law?


You are offered $10,000,000 to give someone the worst consensual sex of their entire life. How do you go about achieving this? (10/21/2019) ~ AskReddit

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7 seconds of missionary then pull out and finish on her dad


Ejaculate prematurely, and then make them hold me while I cry.


Having the worst consentual sex is all about the timing. She has to be into you but consent stops as soon as she says no. The key is to go in with low-expectations then fucking smash the floor Prepwork: Need to buy something that induces vomitting. Also buy some gas station sushi, let it sit in your car for a few days. Do this after you find a girl who is interested in rubbing genitalia. 1. When you find a girl who is interested say you need to make it special and don't have sex on the first date. Specify a time or place in the near future. Ladies love it when you plan. 2. Day off the sex, make sure you consume the sushi that has been sitting in your card. Have an eye dropper full of the vomit inducing medicine. 3. Announce you have a latex allergy and you forgot to bring your special condoms. Hope raw-dogging is okay. 4. Take on a sensitive guy approach, say you haven't had sex with the lights on since your ex died in a tragic light bulb accident. This gives you the sneaky of night time cover. 5. Initiate foreplay. Start by kissing her nose. Only her nose. Make out with her nose. Gently breathing up her nose. She will get frustrated and then try to give you head. Bonus points if you got a microdong. 6. At this point the gas station sushi has fermented into a boiling hot fetid liquid shit in your lower intestines. Engage in tight butthole until the time develops. 7. Backhand compliment her ability to give quality head. Say something along the lines of "Maybe we should just skip foreplay and go straight for the main course." or some variation of a bad dad joke. 8. Enter the bedroom. Timing is everything. The lights are off so you can be sneaky. Make sure consent is given and its time for the main show. Take the eye dropper and imbibe the vomit inducer. Go for doggie style but as you aim that tiny little peen straight for Vaghalla you mistake the angle and land squarely on the taint, thus beginning ragnacock. As you ram with lightspeed, let loose the diarrhea dogs of war and expel the demons from your stomach. Bonus: In between retching, announce, "Thanks for the gold kind stranger!" 9. As she turns around, cum on her face. 10. Sob 11. Run naked out of her apartment/house crying profusely saying you are too embarrassed. 12. Acquire your money. 13. Call her 1 month later saying you contracted gonorrhea from her and you are suing. EDIT: Surprise Buttsex isn't consent. Edited to stay true to the prompt


Pour ketchup on her Edit: mayonnaise would probably be better


Start with giving a blow job by grabbing it with first finger and thumb (think pincers) and just blowing air onto it. Then once soft try to force it into various holes with no lube while crying that they don't find you attractive


the phrase “here it is” is in Yodaspeak and nobody notices (10/18/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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It, here is.


Blown, my mind has been


The only thing strange about Yoda's Object-Subject-Verb word order is how consistently he uses it. It's weird to put the object* first in sentence after sentence. For most of us, O-S-V is just an occasional trope used for emphasis, as in OP's example. *It's not always just the 'object' of the verb Yoda puts first, it's really whatever would have followed the verb in a standard word order. But even that kind of inversion can happen for emphasis, or in poetry and song. It would work fine for Yoda, or any of us, to sing 'Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go,' for example.


ahaha, cool


Fascinated , i am


When you die 50 years old, everybody says that you were so young, but when you are alive and 50, everybody says that you are old (10/17/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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50 gets younger the older you get.


It's all context. If you're a 16-year-old in college, you're young. If you're a 16-year-old in fifth grade, you're old.


Only children call 50 old.


To young to die too old to live


I feel old at 30. I'm going to hate 50.


It’s the zombie apocalypse. You are barricaded into the DJ booth of a nightclub. Below you on the dance floor four warriors battle a hoard of zombies. What song do you play for them? (10/16/2019) ~ AskReddit

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dont stop me now by queen


They are probably the last people I will ever see again, so obviously I’m going to rick-roll them.


Led Zepplin, The Immigrant Song


The Trooper - Iron Maiden.


Staying alive by the bee gee's


People of Reddit, has someone ever challenged you to something you are an expert at without them knowing? If so, how did it turn out? (10/16/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I did some student teaching in a middle school, and some of my kids challenged me to a Pokémon trivia contest. I wiped the fuckin floor with them. Casuals.


classmate challenged me to a handstand contest not knowing that i've been a gymnast for 19 years got $100 and bragging rights


Speed ice skating! There was this really douchey guy in our group of friends who felt the need to show me up one night when a bunch of us were skating. I had played hockey growing up, unbeknownst to him, so I agreed to his challenge to race. After I lapped him (a few times) he just started laughing at himself realizing how cocky he had been. Turns out he was actually a really kind and caring guy, just so socially inept that it came across as rude. We became pretty good friends and I remember during a really bad flu i missed a few events and he was the only one who thought to call me up and see how i was doing. He got married recently and i couldnt be happier for him!


My nephews thought they could bring smash into MY HOUSE?! "oh you picked Fox? Uncle Manaworkin you must have never played this before have you hahaha, he's not very good" They don't want to play video games with mean uncle Manaworkin anymore after not being allowed to touch the ground.


I got challenged to a tennis match by a house mate during dinner. He thought that because I was fat he would beat me easily. After some deliberately condescending comments from me he got agitated and we settled on a bet; loser runs home naked( about 2miles through the city) I was indeed fatter than him, my freshman fifteen had become a thirty. I also had 12 years of competitive tennis under my belt. Nothing spectacular in terms of talent, I had just liked the game a lot, but certainly enough skill to send his skinny ass walking. I almost died laughing after the first game already because he was terrible at tennis, wtf was he thinking?


“Get fucked”, “Fuck you” etc. are really weird insults, considering most of us are trying to accomplish exactly that. (10/21/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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“Fuck you” “Later if you’re lucky”


You’re assuming consent. From my understanding being fucked without consent is a bad start/interlude/finish to anyone’s day.


“Go fuck yourself!” If only...


Fuck is the English language’s most versatile word and only once does it mean sex.


“Get fucked” Get sexually assaulted


It must suck for someone who only communicates though sign language, to be arrested, with their hands behind their back. (10/18/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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This is legit a problem. Police have shot deaf people who couldn’t hear the call to put their hands up


I think that sucks for anyone tbh.


TBH the best thing to do when being arrested is to be quiet. Miscommunication between yourself and officers, especially in courtrooms, can be damning. If you are arrested the next person you speak to should always be your lawyer.


elongate your nipples using your mind and communicate through them. assert your dominance.


Can this be classed as suppression of free speech


How would you feel if your 14 year old son said he made a rap song that got 50 million views on YouTube, and that he wants to drop out of school for music (assuming he is legally able to)? (10/17/2019) ~ AskReddit

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First of all you check his YT account to see if it’s legit then ask him for a feature


Just because one song got famous doesn't mean the other would. If they're lucky, fine. But I don't think it's that easy.


I'd need more information here. If my son is a hard-working person who has been into making music for a while, then I'd be more likely to help him pursue his career. 50 million views is nothing to sneeze at, so he must have some sort of talent. He'd be starting to make money off of Youtube by that point anyway. If he's some lazy layabout that just jacked around and did a thing that happened to be popular, but doesn't have any sort of drive, then I'd probably tell him to stay in school until he figures out how to duplicate his recent success.


I'd encourage him to go for it. As far as school, no. He's going to school. I'd even home school him or school him on tour. But there's no way he's not getting a high school level education. And he's not going around the world without my supervision either. Too many bad influences.


That's a tough sell champ. I think that I would do everything in my power, while he was still at an age that I would be his legal guardian and he isn't an adult, to encourage and foster him continuing his education. Some people become celebrities and all that cool shit, but I would be forced to ask him to be realistic and accept that he may need a backup plan for the future. Hopefully, from the previous 14 years, I've raised the kind of kid who respects my opinion and guidance and is interested in listening.


You have the ability to raise something by .1% how do you cause the most chaos? (10/20/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Charge of a proton ofc


Hand sanitizer




Our DNA is now .1% closer to chimpanzees. Ooh ooh ahh ahh, motherfuckers.


I’d raise the number of live raptors per 1 live human from 0% to 0.1%. There are now over 7 million raptors just cruising around messing shit up. Edit: to the numerous people who felt the need to comment and tell me that my answer “isn’t how this works” you need to calm down and stop obsessing about being right all the time. I chose to interpret the question in the way that would create the most fun answer, in my opinion, not the most pedantically accurate way that I could. This is a hypothetical question on the internet, not the Manhattan project. Before you comment to tell me that 0*0.1 is 0, read the other 20 comments with one upvote that say the exact same thing.


What’s something only losers brag about? (10/21/2019) ~ AskReddit

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How mean they were to someone


How popular they were in high school


Their parent's wealth.


"I take care of my kids" ...cool. you're supposed to


How much weight they lost. The true losers.


How would your life improve if you magically grew a third arm? (10/17/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Use the N64 controller to its full potential.


Playing drums would be a hell of a lot easier


Who'd be the coolest dude around? This guy 👎👎👎


Well that entirely depends upon where your third arm has magically sprung from!! Magic third arm on the forehead? I, as a man towering at 5'6, would instantaneously be able to not only reach, but to utilize the very top shelf in the cabinets. No longer but I have to move a sidearm to adjust the shower faucet. Changing light bulbs would be a breeze! Fondle titties as you are performing cunnilingus! Raise the roof! Rescue kittens from trees! High five guys who are a whole foot taller than me! Hang banners and play volleyball like no one else! Magic third arm between your scapula pointing upwards, elbow bending behind your head? You have just become the eighth wonder of the world in regards to so many sports including but not limited to basketball, table tennis, Greco-Roman wrestling, etc. Additionally, you would always seem to be in a positive demeanor and also have an instantaneous Icebreaker do to you waving at everyone all the time! Magical third arm at your tailbone? Essentially a prehensile tail! Forget about using lefty or righty to wipe your butt! Always be able to scratch the middle part of your back! Never be pushed up against the wall! You have now become the most effective back floating individual in any body of water! Your break dancing abilities have skyrocketed! Magical third arm grafted to your sternum? You are now the honorary master of all combat sports including but not limited to martial arts boxing as well as handgun firing speed. You will have the most lethal uppercut because no one will expect it coming from a button shirt. You don't have to let go of her tits to choke her and watch her eyes roll in the back of her head that she cums. You are the world's greatest magician and illusionist. No one would ever be able to defeat you in arm wrestling. you would always have an additional arm to lean on while also being productive with your other two arms


I’d be able to pet THREE dogs simultaneously.


What are you favourite unusual or little-known movies? (10/18/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Dark City. It's seemingly under the radar and more cult-classic these days, if barely known by more people.


Secondhand Lions. Robert Duvall and Michael Caine as red neck uncles who own a whacky ranch that Haley Joel Osment goes to live on. Other shit goes down.


I feel like I’ve never heard anyone talk about Stardust even around the time it came out. It’s a great adaptation of a Neil Gaiman novel with an all-star cast, seems like it should be more popular.


*Evolution* was a blast, I loved that film as a kid


Robin William's was part of a great thriller movie "One Hour Photo" I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it, but he plays a lonely older man. He has no one in his life. He lives in a shitty apartment. Works the photo section at a supermarket. It's revealed that he's been secretly stalking a family who comes in to develop their photos at his work. He desperately wants to become a part of their family. The whole point of the film is that people only take pictures of things they want to remember, never of things they want to forget. It shows that even the insignificant things in life deserve a photograph too. It's 100% worth a watch. I even rented it off of the XBOX LIVE marketplace last month for $3.99


Teachers/professors of reddit what is the difference between students of 1999/2009/2019? (10/20/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I've been teaching high school since 1993. Students are less homophobic by a long shot, at least where I've been. There is still homophobia but they can't be open about it. Students talk about things like depression and mental illness more; whether the prevalence rate for things like depression actually is higher or not I don't know, but it's more talked about. Attitudes toward school are about the same. Hard workers, average workers, and slackers are still probably the same proportion. Obviously the use of technology is dramatically increased, which is good and bad. It's definitely made research super easy. There's more awareness of bullying, though sometimes this term gets thrown around too casually. Students in special ed are no longer openly mocked. Students are larger. A lot larger. Dating in an official sense doesn't seem to occur anymore; just seems like FWB (or without benefits) is the typical arrangement. Seems like students spend a lot more time inside than 20 years ago.


I’ve been a teacher for 15 years and one thing I’ve noticed is that in recent years the “breakfast club” stereotypes like jocks, nerds, etc. seem to be falling by the wayside and kids seem to be hidden under many layers of irony.


As someone who taught in the last two of these decades, there's a whole bunch of things that have changed. 1. students are now consumed with their grades more than what is healthy 2. to that end, many have a disconnect between their grades and their assignments. I've lost count of "but I worked really hard!" as a rebuttal to a C or B assignment where they didn't follow instructions 3. students are now "digital natives," and educators were being told that this group was going to be overwhelmingly tech savvy. I've not seen that happen, at all. Instead, I see a lot of students who know how to use their devices, but are absolutely befuddled by how to approach them if anything goes wrong. They seem to view their laptops/computers/cells as arcane devices 4. there's also less curiosity and ownership of their own learning. In recent years, I've found myself getting emails such as "how do you double-space a document?" or just getting a document that isn't double-spaced. I've met college-aged students who don't know how to use a thumb drive. Google it, folks 5. they also view education as something to be handed to them passively. If it's not specifically spelled out, it won't get done. An example: a student just asked me if we needed a textbook for the class. Yes, I said, the one on the syllabus and the one we've been reading out of and taking reading quizzes on and discussing in class for the past **nine weeks**. Oh, they replied, well you didn't *tell* me that I needed to buy it These are all VERY general statements, but these are growing trends I've seen in the past, say, five to six years.


Computer Science teacher here. There has been a definite move over time from trying to learn how to do something towards trying to find a ready made answer. Whenever I set my students an assignment, we discuss what they should do if they get stuck - typically involving re-reading notes, looking at the resources they've been given, looking at prior work, perhaps finally using web based resources. Students have always (as long as the web has been a thing) skipped straight to the last one, bit the subtle change is rather than searching for HOW to do something, most now just search for a fully formed complete answer which they can copy and hand in.


In 1999, class was super noisy when you came in. Everyone talking and then quieting down when you started teaching. Now, like walking into a funeral home. cell phone silence.


Letting your dog lick your plate when you are done eating makes him/her feel like you did when your Mom let you lick the bowl when she made a cake. (10/17/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Every one taking about the dog's health I'm sat here thinking you're off your nutter letting your dog lick your plates


*And it's easier to clean the plate. 🙂


Best not to let dogs eat table scraps at all. Humans eat a lot of shit that's poisonous to dogs.


No that's just gross


Letting your dog lick your plate when you are done eating makes him/her feel like they can ask your dinner guests for their plate as well.


Referring to one woman as “lady” comes across as rude, but referring to a group of women as “ladies” is usually friendly or empowering. (10/19/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Wait referring to one woman is rude? Didn't know that lol, I always thought like "an old lady" is the most polite way to refer to... Old ladies. But yeah, I'm not a native speaker so this surprises me


Hello laaaaadies!


Anyone who's learning English must think we're fucking nuts.


That’s why you gotta call them bitches. Bitches love it when you call them bitches.


Being addressed as “ladies,” especially in email, feels incredibly condescending and I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.


Woody must have seen Andy do some fucked up shit in his teenage years when Andy thought he was alone. (10/16/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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Not to mention the sex toys, do those come alive as well? Someone pitch this to some shady production company.


Suddenly ‘there’s a snake in my boot’ has a new horrific meaning.


I’m gonna strait up apologize to all the toys who will never be the same again after sharing a room with this animal.


Everyone, I want you to meet Socky. Eehmm try not to get to close..


They were probably in the toy chest, still doesn't mean they didn't hear some fucked shit


What’s a little thing that someone did for you and probably forgot about it right away, but you remember it years later? (10/20/2019) ~ AskReddit

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I asked my crush and coworker if she wanted to go get dinner that night. I later overheard her reschedule her other plans to hang out with me.


One time I was in the summer school class and I became friends with two girls in the class. Once for a whole week they were purposefully ignoring me and I felt hurt. When I went to confront them they surprised me with a poster board covered in magazine cutouts that spelled my name and had pictures of things I was interested in. Pictures of my characteristics and theirs too. They had been secretly working on it the whole time. Almost 20 years later I still have it somewhere.


I was 7 years old and I was riding the bus with my mother. She was a horribly abusive mother and she was yelling and screaming at me about something I can no longer remember. The woman sitting across the bus from us was staring at my mom with her mouth open and look of shock in her eyes. That one tiny moment let me know that what was happening to me wasn't normal. It helped to start me down the path of understanding that my mother was the one with a problem not me. That woman on the bus probably forgot about the whole thing by the time she went to bed that night but that brief moment is still precious to me 44 years later.


As a teen, I didn't know how to read the bus schedule. I took the wrong bus and ended up in an unfamiliar neighborhood. I was super lost, overwhelmed, and trying not to panic. A tiny, elderly black lady in a giant hat saw me freaking out. She told me to take some deep breaths until I wasn't on the verge of tears, then taught me how to read the bus schedule. She told me which buses I needed to take to get back where I was going. I'm sure she didn't think anything about it, but I still appreciate what she did for me that day.


Thirty years ago when I was seventeen, my friend and I went over to a classmate's house and saw her hug her dad. Up until that moment, I had no conscious knowledge that kids existed who loved their parents. Or that parents could be loving to their children. That moment changed the way I saw the world and always stuck with me when I became a father. There weren't very many days when I was raising my own daughter that that moment didn't come to mind. That classmate was universally loved and tragically died young from cancer. So I never got to tell her what she'd done for me. I did make it a point to hunt down her dad, tell him the story, and thank him. Without witnessing that, my entire adult life would've been dramatically different.


We often hear things like “get rid of toxic people in your life”, but did you ever ask yourself if you are the toxic one in someone else’s life? If you found out you were then how did you try to change that? (10/16/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Not quite the same, but I found that I am the toxic person in my life, and I haven't found a way to get rid of myself.


I was the toxic one towards my childhood best friend. For some reason I had some sort of control on her, and I think part of me knew that. I was having family problems and decided to act out so I would skip school, start smoking etc. Typical teenager stuff in most sense, but filled with a lot of hatred and anger. She came from a very nice family, and is somewhat passive in personality. I was the decision maker in our friendship so I would always ask her to do all the bad stuff with me. As time went by, if she ever start to resist, I would make her feel bad for it. I would call her names to make her feel like some sort of unadventurous and boring loser. Most of our friendship was based around me keeping her around to be my “partner in crime” while doing stupid stuff... When we weren’t, I’d feed her with negativities. She was an optimistic person who saw the best in everybody, but I liked to tell her that she was naive and sheltered for thinking that way. The group of friends who had known her since primary school noticed a change in her personality and always called her out on it, and they would openly tell her that I was a toxic friend but I guess she didn’t listen. At the time, I really didn’t notice it. I always felt like her older friends were just whiny bitches who didn’t understand our friendship. I honestly did believe that I was being her true friend and loving friend by keeping things “real”. Then I had to move countries, so that separated us. We kept in touch a lot in the beginning but eventually we both grew apart as we made new friends. I’m not sure if it was a change of environment or if I simply grew up, but I look back on our friendship and cannot believe how horrible I was. I cringe every time I think about my teenage self. I thought I had it hard in life, and that made me a more mature person than my peers... But truthfully I was just a prick with low self esteem who desperately wanted to feel superior. My insecurity made it very hard to make friends, so when I had her, I think my instinct was to keep her away from any other influences and make her believe I was the shit so she’d stay with me. We were a tight duo for many years and I really considered her my absolute best friend despite how unbalanced and toxic it was on my side. A few years later, I went back for a visit and looked her up. We hung out for the day and she has grown into a very jaded person, complaining about everything and everyone. She even fell into depression and continued to be self destructive. First dropping out of uni, then getting fired from multiple jobs etc. She couldn’t keep a relationship going because she thinks everyone is just horrible in some way or another. The way she spoke reminded me of my teenage self and how I used to speak to her. I on the other hand, grew up to be someone very optimistic and now often get described as “too open” with human connection and willing to befriend anybody that comes my way. I also started taking my education seriously and eventually graduated and immediately got hired and stuck to a steady job. I really felt shit about how things turned out. I wondered if she was never friends with me, would she have continued with her straight and narrow path and be at a better place. We kept in touch a bit more after my visit, and I did bring this up... She said she had wondered the same and definitely wen through a period of hating me for it, but she eventually realised that she has always been that way and I just taught her how to express it. I don’t quite believe that, and I still harbour some guilt over it. I occasionally check on her, but she seems disinterested to keep the friendship going. We’ve definitely grown apart due to how differently we lead our lives these days and it’s sad to think about sometimes.


People who posses this level of introspection are rarely toxic.


I unload all my emotional shit onto my friends and then get paranoid it’s driving them away so I kinda push them away myself, and it’s horrible and I hate it.


I think everybody is toxic, to some degree. In the same way, everyone is slightly crazy. There are always going to be people that think you're wonderful, and people that think you´re hateful. You can´t please everyone, and you won´t fit in with everyone. It´s a question of finding the right people where you can all tolerate each other´s weakness´s, and keep the drama levels down to a bearable level.


What’s your version of “there are two kinds of people..”? (10/21/2019) ~ AskReddit

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Those who think “I suffered, so everyone else should have to,” and those who think “I suffered, so no one else should have to.”


My uncle was a judge. He always said that both parties are lying, and as a judge he tried to figure out which one was lying for a good reason.


Those who divide the world into two types of people, and those who don't


Those that are self centered assholes and those who are aware they are self centered assholes.


There are two types of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...


LPT: Take upon yourself to learn one little skill- a skill that you’ve always dreamed of being able to know how to do- per month. Practice that skill for a little bit per day. You’d be surprised at how quickly you’ll acquire the ability to do some cool things you never thought you’d do. (10/16/2019) ~ Life Pro Tips

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All the skills I want are not little. I want to like, do flips, make macaronis, and not hit snooze.


I just learned how to front and backflip! Can't believe it was so easy to learn too. Probably going to be difficult to throw that into skiing, but that's another little skill to learn. 🙂


I call bullshit, I've tried telekinesis every day for 31 years and nothing.


I started juggling 3 months ago and I practice almost everyday. I've gotten pretty damn good so far. It's very exciting and fun


I used to do this. That's how I learned to abruptly


Mickey Mouse is a lot scarier when you remember he has giant claws under his gloves. (10/19/2019) ~ Shower Thoughts

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I think Goofy files his teeth.


But what about hamburger helper


Huh... For some reason this whole time I assumed those were his actual hands.


It took me a while to understand what OP was talking about. For anybody else in the same boat, they're imagining Mickey Mouse as a scaled-up, anatomically correct real life mouse.


and also a penis